I Always Thought I Would Be Okay

I tried to capture my emotions on paper and was told I was misdirected, but maybe my mindset has just been infected by this pain-infested re-appropriation of the comfort I have developed with negligence.

Part of my heart followed me when I finally moved out, but I still feel most connected to it when I go back home, she is now just a three year memory of being addicted to caffeine and praying I could tell her all the things I planned on saying.

And the coffee stains in my journal are a reminder of when I pushed myself into depression. It's funny how artistic we become when our hearts are broken.

The most sense I can make of this world has slowly transformed itself from being ink in my pen to being the pain in my heart and my head. I never meant to write words that would make people feel like crying, I just never wanted to write a single word where I was lying.

I have slowly tapped the breaks of working and pushed my foot down on letting go. And somehow, I still don't know if this method is even working. I just pray that people can find hope in the stories that I'm telling.

The things that got me focused on hope were her smile and that beautiful California weather. Now that the winter storms have had their way with my sunshine, I feel like I don't have anything left. I feel like I can't believe in power without that intoxicating reminder that this could all be another thing I'm believing just because I'm sick of feeling empty and alone.

Or maybe I am just once again resorting to my pathetic need to over think just to feel like anything real is happening. And having to cover every base without any blind faith just so I can know that I'm not acting out of my impulse to do things to benefit me and me only. But then out of nowhere, when I finally feel at peace and make sense of all these things, it's in that moment I miss everybody who ever loved me. But somehow, the weather feels more sunny, and the water in this river keeping my mind watered is finally running, and flowing, and livestock is growing, my heart is showing, my heart is glowing. So why do I still feel so lonely? Maybe because the words I put on paper are not filling up my heart and it's still empty.

And darling I promise I meant it when I said I wanted you to be happy, I just didn't want you to be happier than me. But I guess I'm just not that lucky.

This pain may not be escaping, and I may still be hurting, but that's okay, because at least I'm living and I can see that some day, it will be ending. Even if it's not today, I know I'll be set free. So forgive me, I'm usually much more encouraging, but until then, promise you won't leave. My heart may feel empty, but every time I tell myself I'm alone I know that I'm just lying. Because even though my heart feels empty, the walls hold photos of beautiful memories. If I hurt so bad now, I guess it's just a friendly reminder that I am still breathing. She may not still be next to me, but this hurt cuts deep and still remembers to visit me. So heartache, Thank you for still believing in me.

You're not a problem, you are my sanity. And I love you for it.