My home owner's association sent us a letter
To say they had a way of making Halloween better
And safer and more fun for everyone involved
And completely non-offensive, it makes sense, problem solved
I didn't know there was a problem, but OK
And this probably won't affect my plans in any way
So let's see what they say, I read a little more
And saw my kids could only trick or treat from three o'clock to four
Decoration limit, two pumpkins per yard
And knives are dangerous, so they can't be carved
And no devils, or anything satanic or morose
And even nothing made of satin 'cause it sounds too close
To make sure nobody gets offended or upset
We've got some guidelines here for what costumes you can get
No witches, they promote witchcraft, as does
Harry Potter, Bewitched, and The Wizard of Oz
No aliens, monsters, mutants, or cannibals
And werewolves promote cruelty to animals
Vampires might make a kid too scared
And zombies are offensive to the living impaired
No Freddy, no Jason, in fact they can't be
Characters from films they aren't old enough to see
No commercial characters like Spongebob or Superman
And no ghosts, the sheets look too much like the Klan
Figure skaters show way too much skin
And Dora The Explorer's an illegal alien
OK, so how about a duck?! Anyone have a problem
With my kid dressing up like a duck?! HUH?!
We can't give out candy 'cause it makes the kids fat
Just stickers and fruit and maybe that granola crap
I was stunned, is this really how they want it run?
It's politically correct and not a damn bit of fun

[howl]... : I'm sorry we can't allow that sound effect because it's too scary and might be upsetting to some of our younger listeners.
[evil laugh]... : No, I'm sorry, the evil laughter perpetuates the stereotype of the mad scientist.
[girl screams]... : Oh now that's just sexist! Why does the victim always have to be female?

Surprisingly with all the things it said we couldn't do
The letter didn't say a word about bags of flaming poo
So guess what I got planned, and I hope they understand
'Cause I'm throwing my own party and it will get out of hand
No one will be allowed in, unless
They are wearing a costume guaranteed to offend
Maybe something like a walking pair of breast implants
Or a priest with an altar boy hanging from his pants
People showed up and I was very impressed
With my guests and how they decided to dress
There's Jess, she came as a messed up slut
And there's George Lucas with a light saber up his butt
And there's the most evil creature they say
A lawyer for the RIAA
And I dressed up like the Honey Nut Cheerios Bee
What? That little bugger scares the crap out of me

[Frankenstein growl]... : Now do you really think a reanimated corpse is suitable for children?
[owl sound]... : OK, that's better, but can you try something a little friendlier?
[puppies yipping]... : Yeah, that's perfect! Now you've got it!

Shoebox: Did you guys see Devo Spice's party!?
Luke: Yeah, it was awesome! I went as a sodomi...
Tom S: It was disgraceful, and completely against the rules!
Luke: Er, yeah, it was...(sheepishly) awful.
Shoebox: Next year we're gonna have to just ban Halloween for good and go right to Christma... er, Channuk... Kwan.. uh... you know, THAT time of year.
Tom S: That sounds like a good idea. But how do we do it?
Shoebox: Simple. We allow the residents to hang up their Holiday decorations at the beginning of October.
(Tom S and Luke agree)
Shoebox: OK, moving on. Unit number 47's front door is off-white, not white. This is against the rules. I vote we fine them $500 per day until they get it replaced. All in favor?
Luke and Tom: Aye!
Shoebox: Great. Now, the tree in front of unit 23 started changing colors 4 days before the rest of the trees in the neighborhood. This flagrant disregard for the rules can not go unpunished. I move that we make them tear it down and replace it with another tree that is on the proper fall foliage schedule. All in favor?
Luke and Tom: Aye!


Lyrics submitted by JohnnyLurg

PC Halloween song meanings
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