I went to a karaoke bar with my friend Coffee
In a small New England hick and junkie town
We mesmerized the crowd with our rendition of “I Touch Myself”
Ordered up a couple bottles and sat down
There was this older guy sitting way across the bar
He was giving me this weird, obnoxious stare
And I couldn’t really tell if he wanted to kick my ass
Or if he just thought he knew me from somewhere

He finally stumbled over, told us bout his Catholic mother
We could tell he’d had a drink or 23
So when he called me “her”, I just assumed it was a tongue slip
That was courtesy of Mister Jackie D.
Coffee let the dam break and let loose a tide of bullshit
Bout his altar boy indiscretions back in the day
The guy just nodded drunkenly and put his arm around me
And said, “Where’d you meet this big girl anyway?”
My stunned brain regressed to Grover teaching me ‘bout “near” and “far”
And the latter seemed quite preferable to staying in this bar
So I deftly ducked and covered from the boozing loser’s grasp
Wished him luck on his ambiguity and started hauling ass

I’m not a girl (I’m not a girl)
I’m not a girl (I’m not a girl)
If long hair is all it takes to fool you
Then you must have skipped biology, avoided sociology
And probably bypassed puberty too
I’m not a girl (I’m not a girl)
I’m not a girl (I’m not a girl)
Have you ever seen a female anyhow?
'Cause if women looked like me, I think the porno industry
Would be filing for bankruptcy by now
I’m not a girl!

I was at a drive-thru shouting product names at a speaker
“Just a value chicken sandwich and two pies!” (“Thank you, drive through.”)
When an Oxy-basted numbskull in a giant NASA headset said
“Here you go, a large coke and large fries!”
I shook my head politely and I restated my order
And he looked at me as if this was a scam
He re-studied his order screen, re-held the foodstuffs at me
And shrugged and muttered, “That’s what it says, ma’am!”
Was I supposed to just accept my lot and take the proffered swill?
For the mighty screen has spoken, who am I to doubt its will
I just told him, “I don’t give a fuck, what’s on your CRT?”
Can you even read it anyway, when you can’t even see

I’m not a girl (I’m not a girl)
I’m not a girl (I’m not a girl)
How the holy hell can’t you see that?
Sure my chest has got some perks
That don’t mean my nipples work
I can’t lactate buddy, I’m just fat
I’m not a girl (I’m not a girl)
I’m not a girl (I’m not a girl)
Don’t you know about the birds and the bees?
What in God’s name must I do just to get this through to you?
Should I walk around with my pants around my knees?
I’m not a girl!

My build is not petite, I’ve got awkward hanging meat
I can wipe myself anyway I choose
I don’t need no medication to inhibit procreation
And I don’t listen to Dave Matthews
I get no joy from shoppin’ and you won’t catch me she-boppin'
No, I’m turning Japanese most every night (I really think so)
When my sub-torso region's ill, I buy Cruex, not Vagisil
To alleviate the evil fungal blight (All right, all right)

I was stuck in K-Mart while my wife was trying clothes on
Which is often times a fate worse than a bris
When I heard a hobbling eighty-something woman from behind me
In a nasal voice saying, “Miss? Excuse me, miss?”
I turned around and gave the bitch a look that could melt a poodle
In hopes that this would make my gender clear
Undeterred, she gave me that impatient retail shopper look
And said, “Excuse me miss, do you work here?”
What drug does Medicare provide to make one think that it’s the norm
For a Dead Kennedys shirt and jeans to be a K-Mart uniform?
As confusion turned to anger and I felt the bile flow
I let loose a ventral mega tort, the gist of which was “Um, no.”

I’m not a girl (I’m not a girl)
I’m not a girl (I’m not a girl)
Oh, I’m bitchy, but it isn't PMS
Not a teardrop did I show when they drowned DiCaprio
I was still thinkin' 'bout Kate Winslet's breasts
I’m not a girl (I’m not a girl)
I’m not a girl (I’m not a girl)
And you’ll seldom see me wearing pantyhose
Go ahead and x-ray me, you won’t find one ovary
If Oprah likes a book, I know it blows
I’m not a girl (I’m not a girl)


Lyrics submitted by JohnnyLurg

I'm Not a Girl song meanings
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