(spoken)
Jim and Steve and Greg all went over to Dave's house. They're real tough types: real men. It was just another boring lazy asshole Sunday afternoon, and they was all hungover, but Steve started strutting around the living room like Clint Eastwood and said loudly, "Hell, I had–ain't had a drink all day, Dave. Got any whiskey left?" Jim and Greg said, "Yeah, whiskey all around!" Dave said, "Let's do shots!" Everybody agreed this was the thing to do. Jim suggested that they keep drinking shots until only one man was left. "I'll show you guys who's the real man here!" "Oh yeah?" the others all said in unisorn–unison. "You're full of shit, Jim." They finished two and a half bottles of Jack Daniel's; that's all the whiskey Dave had. They moved to vodka, everyone drinking the same number of shots, each one hoping to show the others that he was the real man. Then they ran out of vodka.

"This is crazy! We can't just drink all day. That's not gonna prove anything. Let's lift weights to prove who's the real man." They went to Dave's basement, but Dave had forgotten that he had lent his weights to Steve's son Don, who was training for the 1996 Olympics–a real chip off the ol' block, that Don.

"Let's race to prove who's the real man," said Greg. They decided to race around the block, but since none of them made it around the whole way without puking, they dec– d-declared it a tie.

"Let's eat cheeseburgers and pizza to prove who's the real man." So they sent out for cheeseburgers and pizza, but everybody ate the same amount of food, and they all threw up again. They were having lots of fun, but who was the real man?

Steve started banging his head against the wall and counting: "One... two... three... four... five." They all joined in, but Dave was getting pissed off 'cause there was blood all over the wall. "Let's get outta my house before it gets completely destroyed," said Dave. "Let's go out and pick up women." "Okay," said Steve, "but first, let's jack off to prove we can come fast like real men." "Yeah, and let's use sandpaper!" said Greg. So they all did this as well.

When they got to the bar, nobody would talk to them, let alone go home with them. Not a single woman they met was impressed by the fact that they were in the presence of men who had just jerked off with sandpaper. "They must be lesbians," Steve speculated.

So the four of them went downtown to beat up people. They, uh, soon changed their mind about this. They realized they had to go the–to work the next day.

The next morning, they all got up together–they all got together at Jim's house and watched the football game. They decided to declare the contest a draw. They were all real men.

Oh, I fucked up the ending. Can I take it from, like, "Steve spec–"? Yeah, all right, well, this is how it went, then:

The next day they all got together at Jim's house and watched the football game. They drank and ate pretzels and potato chips and laughed and laughed over all the fun they had had the day before. They decided to declare the contest a draw. They were all real men.


Lyrics submitted by Eamon

Real Men song meanings
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