The song lyrics were written by the band Van Halen, as they were asked to write a song for the 1979 movie "Over the Edge" starring Matt Dillon. The movie (and the lyrics, although more obliquely) are about bored, rebellious youth with nothing better to do than get into trouble. If you see the movie, these lyrics will make more sense. It's a great movie if you grew up in the 70s/80s you'll definitely remember some of these characters from your own life. Fun fact, after writing the song, Van Halen decided not to let the movie use it.
Out on the third planet closest to the sun
There's a special celebration
And it sounds quite fun
A jolly old fellow brings toys to everyone
On a holiday they call Christmas
Now I'm not gonna lie
It makes no sense to me
But here's what Earthlings told me
About this Christmas mystery
(One, two, three four)
Santa is a furry freak
With epic super powers
He flies to every human home
In under fourteen hours
He's a master burglar
A pro at picking locks
If you don't leave milk and cookies out
He will put dung in your socks
If you act nicely through the night
And don't jump on your bed
Santa comes with sugar plums
And hurls them at your head
But if you're on his naughty list
He shoots missiles at your toes
He might just roast your chestnuts
With his powerful flamethrower
Rein, rein, rein, rein, rein
Deer, deer, deer, deer, deer
I don't know what Christmas is
But Christmastime is here
He's compelled his creepy elves
To do his every wish
One sought to be a dentist
Now he's sleeping with the fish
Mrs. Claus, she works the pole
Plans her man's demise
Soon the elves will all rise up
And stab out Santa's eyes
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho
Earthlings are so weird
I don't know what Christmas is
But Christmastime is here
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho
Earthlings are so weird
I don't know what Christmas is
But Christmastime is here
What the heck's a turtle dove
And who lit up that deer?
I don't know what Christmas is
But Christmastime is here
I don't know what Christmas is
But Christmastime is here
Or maybe it's there
Or it's somewhere
I don't know, I don't know
There's a special celebration
And it sounds quite fun
A jolly old fellow brings toys to everyone
On a holiday they call Christmas
Now I'm not gonna lie
It makes no sense to me
But here's what Earthlings told me
About this Christmas mystery
(One, two, three four)
Santa is a furry freak
With epic super powers
He flies to every human home
In under fourteen hours
He's a master burglar
A pro at picking locks
If you don't leave milk and cookies out
He will put dung in your socks
If you act nicely through the night
And don't jump on your bed
Santa comes with sugar plums
And hurls them at your head
But if you're on his naughty list
He shoots missiles at your toes
He might just roast your chestnuts
With his powerful flamethrower
Rein, rein, rein, rein, rein
Deer, deer, deer, deer, deer
I don't know what Christmas is
But Christmastime is here
He's compelled his creepy elves
To do his every wish
One sought to be a dentist
Now he's sleeping with the fish
Mrs. Claus, she works the pole
Plans her man's demise
Soon the elves will all rise up
And stab out Santa's eyes
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho
Earthlings are so weird
I don't know what Christmas is
But Christmastime is here
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho
Earthlings are so weird
I don't know what Christmas is
But Christmastime is here
What the heck's a turtle dove
And who lit up that deer?
I don't know what Christmas is
But Christmastime is here
I don't know what Christmas is
But Christmastime is here
Or maybe it's there
Or it's somewhere
I don't know, I don't know
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