(Oh sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt.) Aah, that's okay. So, I got my wife, you know, the brunette, a plastic Marilyn Monroe mask for her birthday the other day . . . . . Well, we rented a hotel room that night. So, she got dressed up like Marilyn and I got dressed up like both Jack and Bobby Kennedy. You know, the dark blue suit, green silk tie, Florsheim shoes, and a St. Christopher's Medal, right? Comfortable. So, before you know it, we're both naked on the floor having oral sex together and I realize I had to cut Marilyn's plastic lips off if I wanted to drive deep. I've got 'em right here in my pocket, wanna see 'em? I guess the short dark hairs distracted me because I started moaning "Oh Jackie. Oh Jackie." And she started screaming, "Oh Mr. Gable, you finally rose back up from the dead." Then she started holding me like a microphone and sang, "Diamonds are a girl's best friend." I started shining like a sunlit temple for Apollo. So I sang "Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I." Then she said, "Well, 23 Skidoo!" It was the biggest fucking group orgy I've ever had with one woman. Listen, Marilyn was so hip, she had AIDS years before it became popular. Well, when I realized that it was too late to call the Supreme Court and ask for their approval as to whether I could have a mutual orgasm with Miss Monroe . . . . I started a-twitchin' and a-shakin' like the Washington Monument, and just as I was ready to shoot, my head popped off and blood squirted all over the ceiling. And when it dried, it perfectly resembled the nativity scene by Hieronymous Bosch. Then Marilyn murmured, "Oh Jack," and I said, "Uh, thank you ma'am but you can call me MISTER Ruby!" So, later that night, as I drifted off to sleep, I said goodnight to Dallas, Texas and hello to a land dominated by nightmares and superstitious motorcades. Thirteen days later, I realized that my mother-in-law spoiled my marriage. (Oh yeah? What happened?) Well, my wife came home from work early one day and found us in bed together. By the way, what's your name? (Sirhan Sirhan.) Yeah yeah, I heard you the first time.
Lyrics submitted by boretronix