I can't deny what I've become
I'm just emotionally undone
I can't deny, I can't be someone else
When I have tried to find the words
To describe this sense absurd
Try to resist my thoughts but I can't lie

I'm losing myself
My desire I can't hide
No reason am I for

I can't divide or hide from me
I don't know who I'm meant to be
I guess it's just the person that I am
Often I've dreamt that I don't wade
Enjoy the gift of my mistake
But yet again I'm wrong, and I confess

I'm losing myself
My desire I can't hide
No reason am I for

I'm losing myself
My desire I can't hide
No reason am I for


Lyrics submitted by myzterons

Magic Doors Lyrics as written by Geoffrey Paul Barrow Beth Gibbons

Lyrics © BMG Rights Management

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Magic Doors song meanings
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    General Comment

    Ok I'm going to do a bit of an essay here. Probably for absolutely no point but I don't have anywhere else to post my reflections on Portishead so I may as well do it here..

    looking at this song, and having listened to pretty much all the Portishead songs there are, I've noticed a lot of instances of words such as "denial", and "disguise." As well as songs with a more obvious homosexual context if you wanted to call it that, such as Glory Box and The Rip, Magic doors and Elysium seem to indicate that...well..there's a certain preoccupation here.

    i'll quote THIS interview kotinetti.suomi.net/heikki.hietala/Articles/New%20Faces%20-%20Portishead.htm which was written recently after Portishead released their first album. Beth doesn't usually get interviewed so it's interesting that this article manages to get some anecdotes directly from her.

    The article says "While her lyrics and plaintive cigarettes-and-black-coffee vocals reflect the series of failed relationships and dead-end career moves that led her to Bristol, her pessimism is so unrelenting that some have speculated she must have suffered some horrendous trauma.

    "I wasn't sexually abused," Gibbons says, dispensing with the usual explanation. "I have divorced parents, which didn't help, but I don't like it when I blame things on my parents." Barrow has never asked Gibbons why her lyrics are so melancholy and thinks it's a subject "best left alone." "

    Ok..and also add on this, from several years later, where the interviewer says "I was watching the new Jon Savage Joy Division documentary the other day and there's this moment where they interview the band and say, "With all the lyrics he was writing and singing, did you ever worry about Ian? "And of course they hadn't paid any attention! Third is sometimes incredibly bleak, lyrically. Did you ever feel the need to check if Beth was all right? "

    So..of course there's an issue preoccupying Beth. And I have reason to believe that the issue is denial of sexuality. In Elysium the lyrics mention "how I despise myself." Not so much denial, but as if Beth KNOWS that she's gay but hates herself for it. There aren't enough interviews with her, or information on her for us to be able to confirm it properly, but if you ask me Beth being gay seems far more likely than her being straight. I am gay myself and I can identify with a lot of these feelings. With Elysium; "No one has said what the truth should be And no one decided that I'd feel this way If you felt as I Would you betray yourself" So..she's sort of saying..well..it's not MY fault that I've got these feelings, but if you were like me, would you hide it too? It doesn't make it any easier for me to deal with.

    Magic doors, in a way seems like a bit of a sequel to Elysium. And this, with The Rip, with Beth's most obvious reference to possible lesbianism (the song's about a woman, "I realise that love flows", "will I follow?") etc..it seems as if Beth is a little more resolved, more at peace with her sexual orientation than she had been in the past. In this, instead of "you can't deny" it's "I can't deny" as if she's finally prepared to admit it. "Try to resist my thoughts But I can't lie" She's realised that pretending for so long wasn't going to do anything and she may as well accept it. "I can't divide or hide from me I don't know who I'm meant to be I guess it's just the person that I am" I know from experience that even if you are brought up in a very accepting environment etc, homosexuality isn't exactly easy. It makes life just that much harder, and coming to terms with how you feel and the fact that you feel so different from everyone else and the feeling that no one understands you..well..I appreciate that that can take some time. But this song it indicates that she's getting closer.

    yes, this is just my theories, you can dismiss them as crackpot if you want, and absolutely no disrespect to Beth meant at all. I don't see why being considered gay should be an insult anyway? I do think she's dropped us a LOT of clues though. And in a way, I think that the sort of feeling of denial and alienation and feeling separate from everyone else, instead of the possibility of her being molested, is far more likely to have fuelled the bleakness of her lyrics, for like the rolling stone interview says, they're a bit TOO bleak to just be normal depression.

    In short: I think it's highly probable Beth is LGBT. That's what fuels the conflict in her lyrics. This song just illustrates it.

    Thankyou for reading :)

    louisagiffardon April 28, 2009   Link

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