Better Now

I can understand why no one has posted. The Exies kind of faded away, and this song probably made no sense at all and it's not really special at all, except to me.

When I first heard it, it was like someone had crawled inside of my quite screwed up head and was singing my most hidden, innermost emotions and fears. I know EXACTLY what this song is about.

I have a severely paranoid schizophrenic husband. He is MUCH better now (as long as he takes his meds), but in the past, when he would have a schizophrenic episode, he would sometimes get violent. I don't need to go into detail, but I will say he was a fan of knives. And blood. When he was delusional like that he would do ANYTHING he feels like doing without any prior thought. Primal instinct. He would literally have no conscience.

I entered into our relationship knowing exactly how bad it could get. I'm probably nuts, but when love is involved... You know what I mean. It might have been bacause I am used to schizophrenics because my mother is one, and she has never taken meds as long as I can remember. She's worse than him! Anyway, yes, I was a victim of domestic abuse later on into the relationship. Both psycologically and physically.

Not many people talk about the struggle that the loved ones of mentally unbalanced people (CRAZY people) go through, but this song does. I was shocked. This is it, basically, in a nutshell:

When someone you truly love, whether it be family or otherwise, is delusional; they can say and do everything that will hurt you most. But we know and have to keep in mind the entire time (episodes can last from a few hours to a few months depending on the person) that they don't know what they are saying, that they're just delusional. We just have to take the abuse until the ABUSER decides to get help. You can give them a push in the right direction, but they have to make the decision. That usually takes a LOOOOOOONG time, during which they will have about the same amount of "good days" as episodes. Some, like my mom, never reach the point of even admitting they have something wrong with their head, even if a doctor tells them.

This song is about that struggle. From what I can infer, he had a girlfriend or something with some kind of severe mental illness (with possible abuse in the relationship on HER part). The lyric "What can never be fought can never be won" is talking about her battle with a mental ilness. The same goes with the similar end to the second verse.

I can't quite make out what the beginning of the first verse implies. I am going to guess that it's referring to an actual event that happened at some point in their relationship. Possibly the most violent one. The rest of the song is very straightforward, once you know where he's coming from. That's why I had to give the long, boring intro. Sorry about that! : /

The last thing that might need a little clearing up is the "running away in my burden of shame" hook. I can identify with this. When you are dealing with your "crazy person", especially if you're alone with them, you always want someone to talk to when the worst of the fight blows over. But if you happen to vent and tell anyone what they just did to you, they would tell you to leave them or WORSE. They don't understand that they can't help it or that doing something irrational like that during one of their delusional blackouts could potentally be fatal for them. It would make it worse.

So you have to hide ALL OF IT. No one understands. I don't even think you guys will either. But I saw that no one had figured out the mystery of the song and you guys don;t know who I am, so what the heck??

Whew, that took longer than expected!! Hope this is at least a little interesting to someone...

:)