Jillian was her name
She was sweeter than aspartame
Her kisses reconfigured my DNA
And after that I never was the same
And I loved her even more
Than Marlon Brando loved soufflé
She was gorgeous, she was charmin'
Yeah, she was perfect in every way
Except she was always usin' the word "infer"
When she obviously meant "imply"
And I know some guys would put up with that kind of thing
But frankly, I can't imagine why

And I told her, I said
HEY! Are we playin' horseshoes, honey?
No, I don't think we are
You're close (close!)
But no cigar!

Then I met sweet young Janet
Prettiest thing on the planet
Had a body hotter than a habañero
She had lips like a ripe pomegranate
And I was crazy like Manson about her
She got me all choked up like Mama Cass
She had a smile so incredibly radiant
You had to watch it through a piece of smoked glass
I thought after all these years of searchin' around
I found my soul mate finally
But one day I found out she actually owned a copy
Of "Joe Dirt" on DVD!

Aw, no, I said
HEY! Are we lobbin' hand grenades, kiddo?
No, I don't think we are
You're close (close!)
Aw, so very close (close!)
Yeah, baby, you're close (close!)
So close...but no cigar!

Julie played water polo
She wore a ribbon on her left Manolo
She had me sweatin' like Nixon every time she was near
My heart was beatin' like a Buddy Rich solo
And she was everything I've dreamed of
She moved right up to #1 on my list
And did I mention she's a world famous billionaire
Bikini supermodel astrophysicist?
Yeah, she was so pretty she made Charlize Theron
Look like a big fat slobberin' pig
The only caveat is one of her ear lobes
Was just a little tiny bit too big

I said
HEY! Are we doin' government work here?
No, I don't think we are
You're close (close!)
So very, very close (close!)
Aw, baby, you're close (close!)
So close...but no cigar!
Missed it by that much! (no cigar!)
Aw yeah, all right (no cigar!)
Really really really close...but no cigar!

Lyrics submitted by asutbone

Close But No Cigar song meanings
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  • +3
    General CommentWhat kind of so-called Weird Al fans STILL can't tell the difference between a direct parody and an original (a.k.a. a "style parody")?

    "White & Nerdy" is an example of the former.

    This is an example of the latter.

    It "sounds like" CAKE, but is not a parody of a specific CAKE song.

    If it were a direct parody of "Short Skirt/Long Jacket," the melody and arrangement would be identical -- not similar, but identical -- to that of "Short Skirt/Long Jacket."

    Hope this helps, ya friggin' mouthbreathers.

    P.S. Needless to say, Forerunnerrocker, you owe Bonehead XL an apology.
    Eamonon December 26, 2006   Link
  • 0
    General CommentThis song seems to me to be inspired by Cake. The bass line and the little vibraslap or whatever it's called sounds a lot like them.
    almaniac27on October 03, 2006   Link
  • 0
    General CommentI am afraid you are utterly wrong Bonehead XL This is NOT and original, this is a spoof of Cake, do some research before you start randomly spewing false information, I think Cake fans would instantly recognise this song if they heard it, From the trumpet solos, to the "Ohh no, Ohhh yeah, All right"
    This happens to be one of my favorite parodies on the cd, also if you look in the fine print and such on the cd case I believe it special thanks John Mcrea, lead singer of Cake.
    Forerunnerrockeron October 10, 2006   Link
  • 0
    General CommentThis song is a pretty nice piece of satire and social commentary - it's about how goddamn picky people (women in particular) people are these days in selecting a permanent spouse. Anything less than absolute perfection is not good enough for some people, which is ridiculous because no one could ever be perfect.

    We might chuckle because he sings about rejecting fantastic women because they say a certain word, like a certain movie or have a tiny physical imperfection, but people break up over even stupider reasons. Good job, Al, it's about time someone pointed out how idiotic dating standards have become these days.
    jimboa18on October 18, 2006   Link
  • 0
    General Commentparody of Short Skirt, Long Jacket by Cake. I recognized it right away...
    cecilyon October 31, 2006   Link
  • 0
    General Commenti totaly disagree with the first poster

    this is way better than wesal stomping day
    its so catchy and funny, and has a funny point to it saying how hot they are and then dissing them hard
    HEY! Are we playin' horseshoes, honey?
    soul_doubton November 22, 2006   Link
  • 0
    General Commentits not bad but its not one of his best.

    also.. its not a direct parody of a cake song is it? seems to me like its more of an original song, tho it parodys the style of cake kinda like "ill sue ya" sort of parodys rage.
    sinnedohon December 21, 2006   Link
  • 0
    General CommentStyle parody.

    I like this song. It's funny, especially the last stanza. I kinda feel like shouting at the guy, "she's a billionaire bikini model AND astrophysicist! Who cares about an earlobe?" hahahahaha
    thedarkmanon December 31, 2006   Link
  • 0
    General CommentIt may not be one of his best songs, but damn is it catchy. This is one of my personal favourites on the album, just with the beat, and some of the lyrics. "HEY! Are we doin' government work here?"
    When u get right down to it, does it really matter if it's a parody or not. I don't know the cake song some people have mentioned, but it doesn't matter to me whether it's a parody or not, i just enjoy the song.
    LaidBackAussieon February 24, 2007   Link
  • 0
    General CommentWhen I first heard this song I thought it was just OK. Later when I watched the video, I was laughing nonstop. The video really sells this one.
    hoboon March 12, 2007   Link

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