"Stuart" as written by and Joseph Genaro Dean Sabatino....
You know what, Stuart, I LIKE YOU. You're not like the other
People, here, in the trailer park.

Oh, don't go get me wrong. They're fine people, they're
Good Americans. But they're content to sit back, maybe
Watch a little Mork and Mindy on channel 57, maybe kick
Back a cool, Coors 16-ouncer. They're good, fine people,
Stuart. But they don't know ... what the queers are doing
To the soil!

You know that Jonny Wurster kid, the kid that delivers papers
In the neighborhood. He's a foreign kid. Some of the neighbors
Say he smokes crack, but I don't believe it.

Anyway, for his tenth birthday, all he wanted was a Burrow Owl.
Kept bugging his old man. "Dad, get me a burrow owl. I'll never
Ask for anything else as long as I live." So the guy
Breaks down and buys him a burrow owl.

Anyway, 10:30, the other night, I go out in my yard, and there's
The Wurster kid, looking up in the tree. I say, "What are
You looking for?" He says "I'm looking for my burrow owl."
I say, "Jumping Jesus on a Pogo Stick. Everybody knows
The burrow owl lives. In a hole. In the ground. Why the hell do you
Think they call it a burrow owl, anyway?" Now Stuart, do you
Think a kid like that is going to know what the queers are
Doing to the soil?

I first became aware of this about ten years ago, the summer
My oldest boy, Bill Jr. died. You know that carnival comes into
Town every year? Well this year they came through with a ride
Called The Mixer. The man said, "Keep your head, and arms, inside
The Mixer at all times." But Bill Jr, he was a DAAAREDEVIL, just
Like his old man. He was leaning out saying "Hey everybody,
Look at me! Look at me!" Pow! He was decapitated! They found
His head over by the snow cone concession.

A few days after that, I open up the mail. And there's a pamphlet
In there. From Pueblo, Colorado, and it's addressed to Bill, Jr.
And it's entitled, "Do you know what the queers are doing to our
Soil?"

Now, Stuart, if you look at the soil around any large US city,
There's a big undeground homosexual population. Des Moines, Iowa,
For an example. Look at the soil around Des Moines, Stuart.
You can't build on it; you can't grow anything in it. The government
Says it's due to poor farming. But I know what's really going on,
Stuart. I know it's the queers. They're in it with the aliens.
They're building landing strips for gay Martians, I swear to
God.

You know what, Stuart, I like you. You're not like the other
People, here in this trailer park.


Lyrics submitted by nightkite13, edited by Foobar

"Stuart" as written by Dean Sabatino David Schulthise

Lyrics © BMG RIGHTS MANAGEMENT US, LLC

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Stuart song meanings
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14 Comments

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  • +3
    General CommentThis is the greatest satirical song that I have ever heard. This was South Park waaaaaaay before South Park had a voice. I love to play this song to my republican friends/co-workers, and see if they get the joke, or if they just say it sucks. This song does not suck, it is deeper and also more accessible than most of the garbage that you hear on the radio today. Long live the Dead Milkmen, too bad that most of this generation will never know the subtle genius that they were!
    eodryanon November 04, 2010   Link
  • +2
    General CommentJohnny Wurster was the drummer for Superchunk and a friend of the band. Unless he actually did spend his childhood smoking crack and owned a burrow owl, his name was probably just thrown in as a weird kind of \"shout out\".
    destroyalltacoson May 08, 2006   Link
  • +1
    General CommentThis song is offensive to gay martians everywhere
    JeffKaos71on December 04, 2004   Link
  • +1
    General CommentHA HA HA! At university (1988-89) this was my drunken theme song. Most of my female mates called me Stuart (not my name obviously). A wonderful 'song' to 'sing' as you wandered home from the pub. It's actually more of a tone poem.
    law2468on February 25, 2005   Link
  • +1
    General CommentJumpin Jesus on a pogo stick!" Ya gotta love this song! Not exactoy a song, but it's great anyway. Queers and aliens and queer aliens lol i used to listen to DM when i went out walking because i'd be so intent on the lyrics i woukdnt pay attention to how far i was walking lol. i want a burow owl!
    bloodybitchon February 19, 2006   Link
  • +1
    General Commenta man has become paranoid and in need for attention after his son dies.
    his neighbors don't listen to him anymore, but he has found hope in someone else:
    Stuart
    Javonathonon April 12, 2007   Link
  • +1
    General Commentmore like a big fat loser. i got about 2 sentences in and figured i'd rather get decapitated by the mixer than waste my time reading such unfunny droll. the dead milkmen never want to meet you bugmenot.
    Knackwurston August 29, 2008   Link
  • +1
    General CommentI heard Rodney say in an interview that during the time before the song was recorded every other person they met had the name "Stuart"
    The song started out as several silly inside jokes before it became a song.
    Musixexon July 24, 2009   Link
  • 0
    General Commenthahaha!
    lovemotionstoryon June 22, 2004   Link
  • 0
    General CommentQuite possibly the greatest song ever written.
    cdconnon June 27, 2005   Link

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