There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes
to the back of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-
Mole 17 hours a day

Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what
those idiots at work say

The look on your face will be priceless when you find
that 40-pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a
hickey to Meryl Streep

You will never find true happiness - what you gonna
do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch
of stuff and then go back to sleep

That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today

Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your
explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance
hurls a javelin through your chest

The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the
rest of the week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while
taking your driver's test

Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and
staple it to your boss's face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it
down with a gallon of strawberry Quik

All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent -
except for you
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with
your head impaled upon a stick

That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least
a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets
and the stars could have a special deep significance or
meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let
me give you my assurance that these forecasts and
predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented
evidence, so you would have to be some kind of
moron not to realize that every single one of them is
absolutely true.

Where was I?

A big promotion is just around the corner for someone
much more talented than you
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that
when your appendix bursts next week

Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall
screaming from an open window
Work a little bit harder on improving your
low self esteem, you stupid freak

All your friends are laughing behind your back...
kill them
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine
you've got hanging in your den

The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful
person... but you know they're lying
If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never
never never never never leave my house again

That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today

Lyrics submitted by Demau Senae

Your Horoscope For Today song meanings
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  • 0
    General Commentwo0t! This song is cool!
    weezerific:cutleryon November 25, 2001   Link
  • 0
    General Comment.......all of that is very true you know
    Napple_Snappleon July 24, 2002   Link
  • 0
    General CommentI personally am a Sagittarius, so I have some work to do...
    asutboneon September 17, 2002   Link
  • 0
    General CommentDude. I'm a taurus.. the second part is true. All i do is a bunch of stuff. And the happiness thing... eh. Oh well. :D Can't win 'em all i guess, lol!
    RudeMinnesotanon June 25, 2003   Link
  • 0
    General CommentIs it just me, or is Al getting a little weird on us all?
    OpinionHeadon October 13, 2004   Link
  • 0
    General CommentSuch an amazing song, the first time I heard the sagittarius thing i nearly died.
    DarkEternalon November 02, 2004   Link
  • 0
    General Comment"All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent -
    except for you"

    Clever line, since Weird Al is a Virgo. He found a way to make the song apply to all the listeners, but not to him.
    Theo Reoon February 02, 2005   Link
  • 0
    General CommentI'm a Saggitarus and i killed my friends

    macman2511on February 16, 2005   Link
  • 0
    General Commenti play wackamole everyday and i only get 7 hours sleep everynight and i eat whilst im playin...ive become that good!
    pinktinkon September 03, 2005   Link
  • 0
    General CommentAl's a virgo? So am i! VIRGOS UNITE! but i dont recall my head being impaled l8ly
    lil rocker99on May 18, 2006   Link

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