This song was originally written by a guy called Peter Gutteridge. He was one of the founders of the "Dunedin Sound" a musical scene in the south of New Zealand in the early 80s. From there it was covered by "The Clean" one of the early bands of that scene (he had originally been a member of in it's early days, writing a couple of their best early songs). The Dunedin sound, and the Clean became popular on american college radio in the mid to late 80s. I guess Yo La Tengo heard that version.
Great version of a great song,
Mark:
Well, I get the feeling most of you always knew what you wanted to do. Me -- I didn't. I was just a kid for a while. Oh then one day -- well -- my father had this fabulous library in the back of the house -- and when I was -- about eleven, I guess -- I found this medical textbook. It had pictures of the male and female anatomy. Well, I thought that was pretty interesting. I use to read that book a lot.
Zach:
Were you interested in medicine? Or were you just into the pictures?
Mark:
No, I ......
(MARK goes into pantomime. Lights dim and go out on line, leaving SINGER in specials)
Val:
HELLO TWELVE,
Richie:
HELLO THIRTEEN,
Maggie:
HELLO LOVE.
Al:
CHANGES, OH!
Bebe:
DOWN BELOW.
Diana:
UP ABOVE.
Val:
TIME TO DOUBT,
Mike:
TO BREAK OUT,
Richie:
IT'S A MESS,
Maggie:
IT'S A MESS.
Paul and Judy:
TIME TO GROW.
Maggie and Al:
TIME TO GO
Connie, Bobby, and Richie:
ADOLESCE,
All:
ADOLESCE.
TOO YOUNG TO TAKE OVER,
TOO OLD TO IGNORE,
Al:
GEE, I'M ALMOST READY,
All:
BUT....WHAT....FOR?
THERE'S A LOT
I AM NOT
CERTAIN OF.
HELLO TWELVE,
HELLO THIRTEEN,
HELLO LOVE
(Lights come up on group who are back on line)
Mark:
(Out of pantomime)
And from the book I diagnosed my own appendicitis.
NEXT DAY I WENT TO OUR DOCTOR DOWN THE BLOCK. SURE ENOUGH -- ACUTE APPENDICITIS!
THEY RUSHED ME RIGHT TO THE HOSPITAL.
WELL, I FIGURED THIS BOOK
WOULD COVER EV'RYTHING
THE REST OF MY LIFE.
And when I was thirteen, I had my first....wet dream. I went right back to the book....milky discharge....milky discharge, milky discharge....GONORRHEA! I was in shock, I mean....GONORRHEA! Before I'd even started. I was terrified. I couldn't tell my mother I had....GONORRHEA! So, the book said, drink a lot of water....
Zach:
Is that all the book said?
Mark:
No, it said take penicillin, strepto-something-or-other, but I couldn't do anything about that unless I told somebody
SO ALL I COULD DO WAS DRINK THE WATER,
AND I DRANK LIKE TWENTY GLASSES A DAY.
For three weeks. I almost drowned. Finally I went to confession and told the priest that I had Gonorrhea! Well , he was in shock too.
"WHO HAVE YOU BEEN WITH MY SON?"
Nobody. Nobody.
"THEN HOW CAN YOU HAVE GONORRHEA?"
I told him about the book's diagnosis for milky discharge and he set me straight. It's the only time the Church ever helped me out. Well, I was....
(He goes back to line)
Connie:
(Stepping forward and singing)
FOUR FOOT TEN!
FOUR FOOT TEN!
THAT'S THE STORY OF MY LIFE.
I REMEMBER WHEN EV'RYBODY WAS MY SIZE.
Boy, was that great. But then everybody started moving up and -- there I was, stuck at…
FOUR FOOT TEN!
FOUR FOOT TEN.
But I kept hoping and praying.
I USED TO HANG FROM A PARALLEL BAR BY THE HOUR,
HOPING I'D STRETCH
JUST AN INCH MORE.
'Cause I was into dancing then, and I was good. And I wanted so much to grow up to be a prima ballerina. Then I went out for....CHEERLEADER! And they told me: 'No dice, you'll get lost on the football field. The pom-poms are bigger than you." I spent my whole childhood waiting to grow.…
(Connie goes into pantomime. The others have moved to dance formation. Each solo is picked up by spot light)
Val:
TITS! WHEN AM I GONNA GROW TITS?
Paul:
SECRET, MY WHOLE LIFE WAS A SECRET
Mike:
One little fart! And they called my "Stinky" for three years. Aahhhhhhhhhhh!
All:
GOODBYE TWELVE,
GOODBYE THIRTEEN.
HELLO LOVE....
Bebe:
ROBERT GOLET, ROBERT GOULET,
MY GOD, ROBERT GOULET!
All:
....OH!
DOWN BELOW,
UP ABOVE....
Don:
PLAYING DOCTOR WITH EVELYN.
All:
LA LA LA
Richie:
I'LL SHOW YOU MINE,
All:
LA LA
Richie:
YOU SHOW ME YOURS
All:
LA LA
Kristine:
Seeing Daddy....naked!
All:
TIME TO GROW.
TIME TO GO....
Sheila:
Suprise!
All:
LA LA LA
Sheila:
Mom and Dad were doing it.
Bobby:
I'M GONNA BE A MOVIE STAR.
Connie:
(Out of pantomime. The rest of the cast is now back on the line and lights come up)
But you see, the only thing about me that grew was my desire.
I WAS NEVER GONNA BE MARIA TALLCHIEF. I WAS JUST....
This peanut on pointe! That was my whole trip -- my size. It still is. God, my last show I was thirty-two and I played a fourteen-year-old brat....
Zach:
Ah hah, the year of the chicken, thirty-two?
Richie:
(Imitating a chicken) Puck-puck-puck-puck, girl!
Connie:
So, I got caught.... But I don't look it. And I shouldn't knock it ,cause I've always been able to work....
FROM THE TIME I WAS FIVE IN "KING AND I."
"KING AND I."
UP 'TILL NOW I'VE NEVER STOPPED 'CAUSE WHATEVER I AM,
I AM....
(Connie backs into the line and Diana runs to center)
Diana:
....So excited because I'm gonna go to the High School of Performing Arts! I mean, I was dying to be a serious actress. Anyway , it's the first day of acting class -- and we're in the auditorium and the teacher, Mr. Karp....Oh, Mr. Karp....Anyway, he puts us up on the stage with our legs around each other, one in back of the other and he says: "Okay....we're going to do improvisations. Now, you're on a bobsled, It's snowing out. And it's cold....Okay....Go!"
(The line backs up and everyone runs off stage left)
Well, I get the feeling most of you always knew what you wanted to do. Me -- I didn't. I was just a kid for a while. Oh then one day -- well -- my father had this fabulous library in the back of the house -- and when I was -- about eleven, I guess -- I found this medical textbook. It had pictures of the male and female anatomy. Well, I thought that was pretty interesting. I use to read that book a lot.
Zach:
Were you interested in medicine? Or were you just into the pictures?
Mark:
No, I ......
(MARK goes into pantomime. Lights dim and go out on line, leaving SINGER in specials)
Val:
HELLO TWELVE,
Richie:
HELLO THIRTEEN,
Maggie:
HELLO LOVE.
Al:
CHANGES, OH!
Bebe:
DOWN BELOW.
Diana:
UP ABOVE.
Val:
TIME TO DOUBT,
Mike:
TO BREAK OUT,
Richie:
IT'S A MESS,
Maggie:
IT'S A MESS.
Paul and Judy:
TIME TO GROW.
Maggie and Al:
TIME TO GO
Connie, Bobby, and Richie:
ADOLESCE,
All:
ADOLESCE.
TOO YOUNG TO TAKE OVER,
TOO OLD TO IGNORE,
Al:
GEE, I'M ALMOST READY,
All:
BUT....WHAT....FOR?
THERE'S A LOT
I AM NOT
CERTAIN OF.
HELLO TWELVE,
HELLO THIRTEEN,
HELLO LOVE
(Lights come up on group who are back on line)
Mark:
(Out of pantomime)
And from the book I diagnosed my own appendicitis.
NEXT DAY I WENT TO OUR DOCTOR DOWN THE BLOCK. SURE ENOUGH -- ACUTE APPENDICITIS!
THEY RUSHED ME RIGHT TO THE HOSPITAL.
WELL, I FIGURED THIS BOOK
WOULD COVER EV'RYTHING
THE REST OF MY LIFE.
And when I was thirteen, I had my first....wet dream. I went right back to the book....milky discharge....milky discharge, milky discharge....GONORRHEA! I was in shock, I mean....GONORRHEA! Before I'd even started. I was terrified. I couldn't tell my mother I had....GONORRHEA! So, the book said, drink a lot of water....
Zach:
Is that all the book said?
Mark:
No, it said take penicillin, strepto-something-or-other, but I couldn't do anything about that unless I told somebody
SO ALL I COULD DO WAS DRINK THE WATER,
AND I DRANK LIKE TWENTY GLASSES A DAY.
For three weeks. I almost drowned. Finally I went to confession and told the priest that I had Gonorrhea! Well , he was in shock too.
"WHO HAVE YOU BEEN WITH MY SON?"
Nobody. Nobody.
"THEN HOW CAN YOU HAVE GONORRHEA?"
I told him about the book's diagnosis for milky discharge and he set me straight. It's the only time the Church ever helped me out. Well, I was....
(He goes back to line)
Connie:
(Stepping forward and singing)
FOUR FOOT TEN!
FOUR FOOT TEN!
THAT'S THE STORY OF MY LIFE.
I REMEMBER WHEN EV'RYBODY WAS MY SIZE.
Boy, was that great. But then everybody started moving up and -- there I was, stuck at…
FOUR FOOT TEN!
FOUR FOOT TEN.
But I kept hoping and praying.
I USED TO HANG FROM A PARALLEL BAR BY THE HOUR,
HOPING I'D STRETCH
JUST AN INCH MORE.
'Cause I was into dancing then, and I was good. And I wanted so much to grow up to be a prima ballerina. Then I went out for....CHEERLEADER! And they told me: 'No dice, you'll get lost on the football field. The pom-poms are bigger than you." I spent my whole childhood waiting to grow.…
(Connie goes into pantomime. The others have moved to dance formation. Each solo is picked up by spot light)
Val:
TITS! WHEN AM I GONNA GROW TITS?
Paul:
SECRET, MY WHOLE LIFE WAS A SECRET
Mike:
One little fart! And they called my "Stinky" for three years. Aahhhhhhhhhhh!
All:
GOODBYE TWELVE,
GOODBYE THIRTEEN.
HELLO LOVE....
Bebe:
ROBERT GOLET, ROBERT GOULET,
MY GOD, ROBERT GOULET!
All:
....OH!
DOWN BELOW,
UP ABOVE....
Don:
PLAYING DOCTOR WITH EVELYN.
All:
LA LA LA
Richie:
I'LL SHOW YOU MINE,
All:
LA LA
Richie:
YOU SHOW ME YOURS
All:
LA LA
Kristine:
Seeing Daddy....naked!
All:
TIME TO GROW.
TIME TO GO....
Sheila:
Suprise!
All:
LA LA LA
Sheila:
Mom and Dad were doing it.
Bobby:
I'M GONNA BE A MOVIE STAR.
Connie:
(Out of pantomime. The rest of the cast is now back on the line and lights come up)
But you see, the only thing about me that grew was my desire.
I WAS NEVER GONNA BE MARIA TALLCHIEF. I WAS JUST....
This peanut on pointe! That was my whole trip -- my size. It still is. God, my last show I was thirty-two and I played a fourteen-year-old brat....
Zach:
Ah hah, the year of the chicken, thirty-two?
Richie:
(Imitating a chicken) Puck-puck-puck-puck, girl!
Connie:
So, I got caught.... But I don't look it. And I shouldn't knock it ,cause I've always been able to work....
FROM THE TIME I WAS FIVE IN "KING AND I."
"KING AND I."
UP 'TILL NOW I'VE NEVER STOPPED 'CAUSE WHATEVER I AM,
I AM....
(Connie backs into the line and Diana runs to center)
Diana:
....So excited because I'm gonna go to the High School of Performing Arts! I mean, I was dying to be a serious actress. Anyway , it's the first day of acting class -- and we're in the auditorium and the teacher, Mr. Karp....Oh, Mr. Karp....Anyway, he puts us up on the stage with our legs around each other, one in back of the other and he says: "Okay....we're going to do improvisations. Now, you're on a bobsled, It's snowing out. And it's cold....Okay....Go!"
(The line backs up and everyone runs off stage left)
Lyrics submitted by SnuffieSniffer
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