It only seems to make sense to me at 1 am the night before it's due. But by morning, it's a masterpiece. A grand composition. A magnificent overture. An A+ paper on French tech theory.
We'll see. I don't know. I'm working on it.1 Comment
We haven't talked in exactly two months. I know this because I love you.
Loved you. Whatever.
So when you texted me "hey" three minutes ago,
Followed by "how have you been Allures? :)"
I laughed. And I began typing. And I know you know I'm typing because the cheerful little elipse bubble never lies.
Here's what I type in an automatic ruthless fury:
"Hi I'm good, great, fucking excellent, because this is exactly what I feel like doing right now. Having another boring ass, pointless conversation with the one person I used to tell everything. Yeah no goodbye."
Pretty foward, yeah?
I won't send it. I'll type it up here instead.
I'll just end up ignoring you like the passive agressive child I am. And then by tomorrow morning I'll give in, I'll swallow my anger and sadness and text you back in my usual chipper manner.
"I'm so sorry, I fell asleep!"
Maybe I won't do this. Maybe this is my chance to finally be rid of you. Because you will never understand the pain I feel whenever I talk to you now. The loss of what had been. Things are never going to be the same. Goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye?
I have to go finish a lit paper. Good night.1 Comment
Went to the campus health office today. To get better.
I mean, I caught a legitimately nasty cold over the weekend. But that was just a front I used. What I really wanted was an anti depressant prescription. The nurse told me I had pretty eyes. "They're so clear! Tell me those are contacts, are those fake?" Nurse, everything about me is fake.
I failed my math midterm. I lost my favorite shirt at the Rubiks cube party last weekend. My roommate and I are staying up late to watch the presidential results. But what's the point. Our government began falling apart a lot time ago.
Man, I feel like such a downer today. Best not to talk too much.No Comments
Storms are consuming the country and all I can think about is that I need to get more sleep. Today I spent my classes gulping air, swallowing yawns. It's only monday, and I'm ready to collapse. Haven't rested for days, I've finally lost my mind.No Comments
Unless it be through Earth's loveliness. Michelangelo.
I like stairs. The winding wrap-around kind. When you climb to the top and look down to see the bottom floor framed by all of the steps you just walked.
Reminds me of those optical illusions. Penrose stairs. Never ending. My life is like that right now. There's no time to stop, breathe, and look at the view of what I've accomplished. I need a break.No Comments
Spotify has this glitch thing where you can't use the app if someone else on your plan is concurently using it. I always think of my dadÂ when I try to open my music it will say something like, "song can't be opened when another user is listening."
I don't mind, because I miss him and music is the only thing we share.No Comments
I walked to Trader Joes early this morning, and no one was there but a deaf chashier.
The sign at his check out said, "Hello Customers, I am deaf. Please write your questions down and I will happy to help."
I stared at that pad of paper for half a minute, struggling to overcome an overwhelming desire to pick up the pen and write to him. But I smiled politely, signed, "thank you" and walked away.
Because that's what I do.
My thoughts are so tangeld right now. Like my earbuds always are. I've spent the last hour trying to unwravel them.
Koda, you're on my mind all of the time. Your smile is contagious. You don't say much, but you make every word mean something. You're thoughtful and clever and charming in a way that no one else notices.
I hold on to those moments. Lifeguarding with you at the pool. We're required to wear sunglasses, but I can always tell when you're staring at me, and when I catch you, you smile in that bowed way, that makes my heart swells.
Today you wrote my name in a heart on the weekly pool schedule and I was tongue tied and unprepared. I weakly walked away and I'm kicking myself for my awkwardness. What is wrong with me? I want you. So bad. What is wrong with me?No Comments