neatocheeto's Journal

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  • Shallow Reflections.

    by neatocheeto on May 02, 2016

    I can't believe I am here all these years later and doing what? Over thinking boys and their dumb games. But i can't help but think what could be if you stopped needed something more than me. And what I have to offer could potentially make you a better person but I am the bad person for wanting to pursue that side of life. Honestly, honestly, honestly. When you look into my eyes what do you see? I know you see nothing but an explosion of love. I know that because when I i look into your eyes I see the same thing staring back at me. Why deny that explosion? For selfish reasons no doubt. Is it becasue i have more curves than you have ever delt with in your life? Or is it that i am a more direct woman than you have had the pleasure of meeting in your life. It shouldn't matter to me. I was told to drop it by a mutual friend. So its done. Moving on. Moving on to ol Wes. Someone willing to give me their time. I can grow to have feelings for him. What a nightmare. All by my owe doing, of course. What is need is sleep and for it not to be one in the morning and for me not to have these confusing thoughts this late cause i can hardly think straight. Too much loneliness blocks out my pratical ideals. Get with it sister. And, sidenote, thank goodness that the ol older, devoted, married man fiasco is probably for the most part over with. I need to stop being so lazy and get my ass to making descisions. And possibly pulling out a loan for my car bullshit. Jesus. Time to man up and stop bullshitting around. 

    1 Comment
  • Drafts

    by neatocheeto on July 29, 2013


    Passing the days, not caught up in anything. 

    It took me about a week to realize that

    Freedom without any purpose feels a whole lot 

    like Boredom

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  • I Recently Painted My Bookcase Blood Red

    by neatocheeto on March 05, 2013

    I think i need to move somewhere else. Get out of fucking Missouri. I'll rep KC forever but im tired of people seeing me as a loser. An uneducated-weed-smoking-chubby-pertentious loser. Its getting old.

    The only people i'll be leaving behind is My Mother. but she has my stepfather to look after her and i promise to keep in touch as often as possoble. Really I'll try.

    I'll be taking my cat, Sancho, with me. And my 3 soulmates, Taytay, The Kiles, and Nika. My niggas for life. They'll be going everwhere with me. Thats that only thing i would ever need in my life. My Mom, Sancho, and my three soulmates. And any place is home.

    Except i need out of Missouri. Now.

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  • I can't believe this

    by neatocheeto on February 20, 2013

    So the freckled girl that i've written about before it baa-ack! Its so amazing what i had to say about her. I'm still really, really close friends. So close in fact that we got a 'friendship' tattoo together. (God if anybody i know irl ever found this i would be in so much trouble i would give up on trying to explain my situation) And also we moved into a house together with my older sister. And the "drama" is endless. 

    Before we all moved in together, the three of use got really fucking drunk at my old resident, the partents house. And boy was that a night i'll never forget. It was more of me and "the girl" getting shit-faced drunk and crying about everything. It started off with me coming home from work late and being gretting by a hysterical crying girl telling me how much so loves me and how much i mean to her and fucking slobbering on and on and all i wanted to do was pull her crying ass down to me and squeez her close and tell her Yes! to all those things and maybe say a thing or two of my own ("I want to lay in the spring grass with you forever and i want to tickle your freckles with my eyelashes and eat pasta salad") but since i could ABSOULTLY not do that, i decided to play the catch-up game and promptly downed six shots. Twelve shots later, i decided i would like to wake up tomorrow.

    But at the point, my biggest worry was not alcohol poisoning but rather a broken heart. See in the time it took me to down those many shots, "the girl" was telling me through fat, drunken tears her side of things. Most importantly, her relationship with long, long time friend, [insert the girl's name]. A girl who stuck with "my girl" in her most worst stages: Middle School. Yeah so they have history with each other. And the thing that caught me off guard, well let me see if i can remember correctly,

          "You know what?, You know whats wrong  with me? Its because she is my best friend and probably the love of my life. That girl is my best friend and i am in love with her. But nothing will ever happen because [insert girl's name] is way too straight. She would never give me a chance becuase all i am to her is her best friend. I will probably always love her."      -"the girl"

    She said that. She was talking about her first love. And also her first loved lost. All at once in one conversation.  I heard all of this with tears down my face and fresh ones making their mark. I swear i have never been sadder in my whole life than hearing that conversation. Because while "the girl" is talking about her unrequitted love, i'm sitting there in her shoes understanding what she is going through. So how sad and empty the feeling was. What could i say to that? Nothing. I had no right to say anything. I felt empty. I dont know why i was just too sad. I felt that there was no hope for anything. 

    Topic #2 was all about my sister. Great. When my sister is the topic of converstation i tend to get over shadowed pretty easy. Cause she is all the good and i am all the bad. And of course "the girl" had to take notice of how great my sister is. She noticed so well that her slurred "i really like your sister" was barely caught by my drunken ass. I'm trying so hard here and so quickly does my sister get in with the goods. It irkes me just thinking about it. I shut that convo down as quick as i could with a broken "You better stay away from her or i wont be your friend ANYMORE!!!" The girl reassured me that it would never happen cause she values our friendship too much. Really, she might be more trouble than she is worth. 

    Now, nearly a year later for that crazy drunken night, here we all are living in a small house. Just the three young, crazy, inoccent, and stupid girls. And I can positively say that this is what youth is made up of. The days are filled with netflix, weed, wine, and great fucking friends. 

    While this is probably the most important time where one would normally be developing in a college setting, i've never been one for doing things normally. So i think for now, even with all the inexperience i have when dealing with ~all of this~, i would say this is the most fun and i hope it can last for some time. 

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  • February 20, 2013

    by neatocheeto on February 20, 2013

    God. I feel that way so many times throughout the day. Just-its amazing, that feeling, but totally terrifying. When i get close to you I want to squeeze you're hand back and show you my feelings. I'm scared. And its not that i'm scared of you, I'm scared of your sweet words. I'm happy and that scares me. What am i going to do when its time to split up?

    I know that day is coming sooner than later. Who will be the one to break first and say their goodbyes. I can tell you this; It wont me. 

    Those times when we've sat comfortably on the green sofa and you have inched closer towards me? I scooted away and i hate myself for it. Your face after is one of abandonment and distrust. I just couldn't let myself get that happy. I was protecting myself. Again. . . .

    1 Comment
  • Goodness

    by neatocheeto on January 10, 2013

    Wow! I havent been in the journal section of songmenings  in a while and my god is it beautiful. Everyone is here and i can see their stories and i can see their lives and it makes me so happy. Cause i feel really close to people i've never met before and i can comment on their lives. It's a wonderful thing, really. 

    But enough of that. My life is what is most important here. 

    (Nah just jk-ing)

    I feel really, really good right now. Like yeah my life isn't where it should be compared to others my age. Like i should definietly be going to college right now but i'm not. Instead i'm working a the local OG and i love the people i work with (i work in the back with all the mexican cooks and they're just some of the greatest, funniest people ever.) And i probably should be meeting new people and starting new relationships but i'm focusing on my closest friends and improving and tightly weaving together a lasting and forever relationship with them. Instead of clinging onto childhood and making as little hard choices as possible, I made the decsision to move out and now i have my very own home. With my own lamps and wall hangings and throw-pillows. Of course i brought along my very good friend and my well-respected older sister (older by two years big woop) because i know i wouldn't be able to make the shift so easily by myself. So shout out to them for taking the leap with me.

    And everything is pretty good right now. I have my lovely big, black dog Whyte next to me and my slinky, lanky cat Sancho on my lap Life is looking like I'm going to be okay. Like We're all going to be okay. Sure, my life right now is not the ideal "success" story high school graduates  should shoot for, but i'm content. I think after years of schooling and fast-paced-ness called adolescence, we deserve a small break. A year long vacation from life. A cheap but nice house produces no outstanding bills but stills allows me the freedom of "getting away".  Interacting with a max of 6 people a day lets me form my own opioion of who i am and goals i will need to set. Becasue thats the thing, doing nothing for a year can easily become doing nothing for 2 years, and that turns into doing nothing for 4 years, and 6 years later i find myself doing nothing but being depressed that i'm still stuck in missouri. Goals need to be set. I need to make sure aim and direction are still relevant in my life. I need to have places to go and i'll be okay. It'll be okay. 

    So i think i made this a little too long this time. And this was all about nothing. But i'm glad i did this. I feel good today. 

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  • Beautiful Fascination is Better than Love

    by neatocheeto on May 15, 2012 Is the beautiful image you make of someone better than their actual self? In other words, are illusions better than reality? Are fake fairy-tales better than experiencing a real love? What do you think? 3 Comments
  • Religion

    by neatocheeto on February 28, 2012 So i have been thinking a lot about religion, recently. (And i'm not saying i believe this, but wouldn't it be funny if it were true?) What if there was this big guy; he has all this ability and power of all the cosmos and so her created the universe. Just to see what would happen. So he put molecules together and BANG! the Universe and Earth were made, along with everything else. So he watched that for a while and got bored and left to do whatever this dude...being...thing...does for other entertainment. Maybe grabs a snack. When he comes back, viola! Humans have done did their thing. Or maybe he created us because he's impatient and can't wait for exciting things to happen. So we were made and he added free will, thumbs, and an able mind. For shits and giggles, of course. And so he's just up wherever and watching. And laughing his ass off. Because he just can't believe that humans, with all the ability we're given can just pass it by and be consumed by petty ideas/objects. He's also laughing at fact that wars were waged in "His name", that people kill or discriminate against others because "God wills it". Honestly, we're too much for him. And he just can't believe what idiots we are. So this "god" guy is just a dude who checks in on us once and a while for laughs and entertainment. Because he can. I picture him with a white v-neck, wrinkled bleached jeans, and aviators. Basically a bro. Forever laughing at us for all our efforts to please him. And when we die? I don't know i haven't thought that far ahead. But how much would that suck? Would we meet him, or just nothing? Personally, i've just found out that i'm in no way a Christian. Or Catholic. The closest thing i would call myself religiously would be a Buddhist. I strongly believe in reincarnation. I believe that nothing on this Earth is actually new (man-made stuff beside the point) everything is recycled. Like souls, or whatever that may be. Conscience, if you will. The people and animals and spirits have circled this world for a while. And at the oldest and wisest point, we finally get to rest. Whatever that means. And a god? I have no idea. I don't thing i enjoy the biblical god, so what else is there? That's the point i'm at. I do think that SOMETHING has to be out there, but what or how or why or jfdssfdlkdas? For now, I'll just call myself Spiritual. There. That sounds like i know what i'm doing. Hah. 2 Comments
  • Fuck, man

    by neatocheeto on February 20, 2012 Whenever I find myself genuinely attracted to someone I make it a point to avoid them at all costs and just not talk to or acknowledge them at all until they go away I feel like this could be a problem 1 Comment
  • Annabel Lee by Edgar Allan Poe

    by neatocheeto on February 16, 2012 It was many and many a year ago, In a kingdom by the sea, That a maiden there lived whom you may know By the name of ANNABEL LEE; And this maiden she lived with no other thought Than to love and be loved by me. I was a child and she was a child, In this kingdom by the sea; But we loved with a love that was more than love- I and my Annabel Lee; With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven Coveted her and me. And this was the reason that, long ago, In this kingdom by the sea, A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling My beautiful Annabel Lee; So that her highborn kinsman came And bore her away from me, To shut her up in a sepulchre In this kingdom by the sea. The angels, not half so happy in heaven, Went envying her and me- Yes!- that was the reason (as all men know, In this kingdom by the sea) That the wind came out of the cloud by night, Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee. But our love it was stronger by far than the love Of those who were older than we- Of many far wiser than we- And neither the angels in heaven above, Nor the demons down under the sea, Can ever dissever my soul from the soul Of the beautiful Annabel Lee. For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams Of the beautiful Annabel Lee; And the stars never rise but I feel the bright eyes Of the beautiful Annabel Lee; And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side Of my darling- my darling- my life and my bride, In the sepulchre there by the sea, In her tomb by the sounding sea. 3 Comments
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