Recent Journal Entries

  • august 25.

    by Fallen Leaves on August 26, 2014

    I got news today that one of my best friends from home committed suicide. He and I were very close at the beginning of high school, had a bit of a feud, and reconvened after graduation. He apologized and told me I was right all along.

    Every now and then, we would text or FaceTime. Months could go by but I always knew I could pick up the phone and call him, and it wouldn't seem like any time had gone by. When I was back in my home province for camp, I asked if I could stay with him in the city. He was out at his dad's, so I found somewhere else to rest my head. The last time I remember talking, he was freaking out that he didn't have a place to call home. That he had moved around too much and now he didn't know where he belonged. "I felt that way too," I told him, "but I found my friends and it clicked. It took a while but eventually, I found my home."

    When I got the news I started crying my eyes out. I texted Aidan in my moments of complete shock. "Oh shit, are you okay, I can get off work as soon as I can," he said.

    I might fly home for the funeral. I need to be able to deal with this. But it would be so easy for me to remain 1000km away and never have to face the fact that someone I could talk on the phone with for four hours straight, someone I once called my closest friend, someone I dreamed would kiss me someday, someone I tried to convince to move to my city a month ago, has killed himself. That he felt so hopeless and so trapped that he had to end his own life.  That he had to quit. 

    My heart hurts and nobody in this place knows the friend that I just lost. 

    I look back at old pictures of us in our high school prime and I see those photos and can't believe that boy would grow up commit suicide.

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  • and then it clicked.

    by Fallen Leaves on August 24, 2014

    Wednesday morning, my friend texted me. He's close friends with Lance, but was really kind and helpful to me in the months following the breakup between Lance and myslef. The friend texted me because he had just hung out with Lance. "It's done, Fallen," he said. "He's never coming back."

    I hugged my knees and cried.

    Thursday and Friday, I spent time with Aiden. He and I went out for the first time on Monday and ended up talking for hours. On Thursday, we went longboarding and got coffee. We got caught in the rain. We watched a Pixar movie and showed each other pictures of our awkward youth. On Friday, we just spent time laughing and talking. We laid out in his hammock.

    "I have so much fun doing nothing with you," he said. An air of surprise. 

    A dry laugh. "What, do you usually feel compelled to entertain your women?"

    More surprise, but he's regaining confidence. "Usually. I'm the man with the plan."

    He smiles when I try to bite his lip.

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  • well.

    by Fallen Leaves on August 20, 2014

    I came in to write but I don't know if I have anything particularly insightful to say. I went on a date last night and the guy was a pleasant surprise. I wasn't expecting much but he and I got along really well. I went on a date with another guy today, and he was kind and handsome, too. I didn't connect with him as well, though. He seems really sensitive and I don't want to become involved with someone who is going to emotionally attach easily. I don't want to break hearts or hurt people. I'm not ready for anything serious so I don't want to thrust this guy into a danger zone.

    So yeah. I have a bubbling something under the surface that I haven't figured out quite yet but I came here to see what would come out when I started writing.

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  • August 16.

    by Fallen Leaves on August 17, 2014

    How quickly I fluctuate from "life is wonderful, kittens and rainbows!" to "fuck this, I'm packing up and leaving, everything hurts" worries me. But who am I kidding? I'm just as sad and unoriginal as everyone else. I probably haven't had an original thought in my whole life. I need validation. I compulsively need validation.

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  • August --.

    by Fallen Leaves on August 16, 2014

    It's melding into a blur. Press snooze on my alarm, struggle out of bed, tie hair in a ponytail. Go to work, try to follow instructions properly, mooch food, go home. Stand in front of the mirror. Wing out my eyeliner, paint my eyelashes with mascara, pick an outfit. Make a mediocre meal. Sometimes I'm dressing up to go on a date, and sometimes I'm dressing up to go drink with my friends.

    My female friends laugh and say, "You're so lucky! You're always out doing something. Do you only know cute boys?" "Who did you go out with tonight? Is he cute? Of course he is, you're out with him." The boys are cute. Charming. Intelligent. And it's still just a distraction. The other day my ex-boyfriend texted me and we got into an argument. He essentially told me that he's having a lot of sex this summer. He threw that in my face. I wonder if his naked encounters make him feel as lonely as I feel.

    Song of the day: Mixtape. Brand New.

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  • Nelly - Try

    by elderflower on August 11, 2014

    I think this song is about going through life and becoming more of aware of the world around you and who you are. Past experiences have helped you realize that people aren't always how you perceived them and because of these experiences you're not as naive and maybe not as trusting as you once were. And you're involved with someone, and they're wanting you to give more emotionally possibly, but you're not sure if you can. And all you can really do is try because you honestly care about this person. At first it makes you wish you hadn't experienced the things you had, so you could be exactly what this person wanted.

    But in the end, you realize that you and this person are wasting time trying to change each other. Because you can only be free in life and in love if you truly love each other for who you are as a person and not just who you want them to be.

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  • Eminem + Rhianna - Love the way you lie Part II

    by elderflower on August 07, 2014

    I think there's a reason that this song (and Part I, of course) were, and perhaps still are, on the top charts. I'm not a fan of rap myself, but this song hit a soft spot inside me. Its meaning is crystal clear. A relationship that starts out perfectly, with two people who're head over heels for each other, but it soon turns out to be nothing but an abusive relationship. They hate and love each other at the same time, fighting and then feeling sorry about it. They're indeed two psychopaths, whose love is so strong they think they can move mountains. And just because their love is so strong, they overlook the fights, the pain and the horror they inflict on each other, because they can't go on without one another.

    So, this song is about a hate/love relationship, and how people can be stuck in an unhealthy relationship just because their feelings are too strong for them to give up on their other half, even though they're hurting. In my opinion, this song is a true piece of art.

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  • Eminem + Rhianna - Love the way you lie

    by elderflower on August 07, 2014

    I share your pain.

    I do not doubt the depth of his love for me neither, yet he will never understand the depth of my love for him. He is blinded by anger, frustruction and hurt cos I left him twice. Out of love, out of anger, out of fatigue, out of love and freedom for both of our souls..

    obviously about a both verbal and physically abusive relationship and how it seems the guy will say anything to keep his girl with him even though he's just spewing lies.

    There is domestic violence where the abuser who has no remorse and the victim, who at 1st thinks it is love but later realizes the other person is just abusive & really wants to leave the other but is afraid of what the other will do to them or their children if they do leave.. then there is the other..

    and to me this is what Eminem is addressing, the dynamic of a relationship when 2 people have the most TOXIC LOVE imaginable for one another. They victimize the other person as well as themselves. They are both victims as well as guilty of being literally crazy for one another. I hope people dont have to experience this type of relationship but if you do I believe you go through it once. It's hard to truly understand unless you have been through it but the song as well as the video paints the picture of the turmoil that the extremity of emotions and how it is handled effect the people in these relationships. What they go through and what happens when they have no control of those emotions. You see what they are willing to endure for one another because no matter how bad it gets nothing seems worst then leaving each other. Their destructive relationship is a contradiction of what love should be but they truly are madly in love, Its heartbreaking...

    - "And I love it the more that I suffer. I suffocate and right before I'm about to drown she resuscitates me. She fucking hates me and I love it."
    - "Just gonna stand there and watch me burn. But that's alright because I like the way it hurts"
    - "It's so insane 'cause when it's going good, it's going great... But when it's bad, it's awful. I feel so ashamed"
    - "You're the same as me. When it comes to love you're just as blinded. Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems, maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano. All I know is I love you too much to walk away though"

    those are the verses that really hit home when I hear this song.
    I have to say the hardest thing about being in that relationship was realizing that even though we wanted to to be together we needed to be apart. He showed me how much he loved me by leaving me. I knew it was killing him just as much as it was killing me.. Maybe years from now we can try again or maybe not but, one thing is for certain I dont ever doubt the depth of his love for me.

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  • Pink - Try

    by elderflower on August 07, 2014

    It's funny how I have been hooked to this song from the moment I heard it. A year ago. Without even realising the lyrics to it, I just love the beat to it. It evokes extreme emotions from deep within and often brings tears which were supressed many a times. Relating to another area of my life at the time.

    It is also funny how i can only release and express emotional sufferings, inklings, thoughts and reflexions, through the median of music, which evokes and aids the inner self, expels the emotionally suffocated soul, where it's voice can be heard, it's deepest, most truthful feelings to the world, can be disclosed.

    Tonight, a year later, I looked up the lyrics and it is an apt description to the situation I just lived through.

    I was entangled in a destructive relationship for almost two years. It was filled with passion, fun, lies, deceit and a whirlpool of emotions. I tried to end it almost monthly, yet we got back together again and again. The act of staying together was easier than the act of seperating, as it involved alot of emotional stress, physical fatigue and mental space, for me.

    After two years I left. However, neither of us could let go. We kept in touch / long distance for almost six months, and reunited once more, continuing the long distance effect. Six months further, we moved in together. Two months later, I left once more. Now I am experiencing the lyrics of this song. Which I believe that this was initially suffered by the other a year ago, when I initially departed.

    There is no trust in the relationship. No communication. One often wondered what the other was doing, messages sufficed not in answering the much sought questions, fuelled by insecurites and anxieties of the heart, stemmed from substance abuse. Yet one was too scared to question the other in person, lest it led to the unwanted reality; lies, deceit, betrayal, cheat, the hurt and pain which followed suit. One chose to live in the world of lies, to escape into the world of denial. Pretending all is fine.

    Funny how the heart can be deceiving..  more than just a couple of times..

    why do we fall in love so easy.. even when it's not right..

    As time went on, the fights turned into verbal abuse, into violent physical aggression, to spiteful words coupled with extreme anger, frustration, and finally, hatred.

    Just like the video of the this song. It depicts exactly the physical and emotional scenes suffered. So close physically, let so painful being together..

    So the leaver, often takes a break from the fight, desperatley hoping for some peace and normality to be restored. Yet when away from each other, the other would feel extremely lonely and badly needed the other to come back.

    Once back in each other's space, this viscious cycle of violence, aggression, betrayal, cheating, deceits, lies, hatred, anger, contempt, spite, would all return.

    Where was the love?

    Love turned into hate. The flame which one was so passionate, has turned into hatred, a hatred that burns, so vividly. One was too broken and damaged when the leaver left for the first time.

    Both have thorns, pierced too deeply in the hearts, even love cannot detox such a toxic relationship. Perhaps time?

    We are soulmates, and woundmates at the same time. Love and contempt bred on the battle grounds.

    Today, a year later, I forgave us both. I have no more anger, hatred. Just sadness. Sad how the other has turned into the me, one year ago.
    The other, is one year behind, still suffers what I went through. I know not, whether anger will really leave, if love will be awaken again, in the purest form.  I hope peace, love and sweetness will befall the other one day, when real issues such as childhood trauma, and affairs of the psyche such as borderline, have been confronted and dealt with, so no more escaping into the land of denial, no more taking out all personal issues relative to the psyche, onto the relationship, no more harming oneself, no more harming the other.  I really hope the soul that was long buried away, can be let free, once again.

    Now, both have to really let go, both running in different directions, as fast and as far away as we can, just like in the video.. this won't kill us, it doesn't mean we are going to die.. just.. gotta get up and try, try, try..

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  • don't break down

    by RosesAtSunset on August 02, 2014

    in the kitchen, he jumped as the plate slipped out of my clumsy, little fingers and shattered across the tiled floor. the breath caught in my throat and intense fear pulsed through my seven-year-old body. i could see the rage building in him even though his back was turned. i stood frozen and i watched him quickly swivel toward me. his eyes were flashing, jaw was clenched, and knuckles were white by his sides. he took thundering steps toward my immobile frame and pulled me forcefully to the living room in front of my mother.

    "take off your glasses," he said in a cold, furious voice.

    i did. i took them off. and then the pain stung my face and then pain stung my stomach and i collapsed on the ground. and then the pain stung my scalp as my hair pulled me up to the ceiling and i couldn't see, not because of my poor vision, but because of the pain in my soul. and the pain continued and continued until his anger subsided.

    "you shouldn't make me angry. i don't like doing this. clean up the mess. go to your room. don't come out until i say so," he said tiredly.

    my mother said nothing.

    i cowered as i stumbled wearily up the stairs and quietly shut the door behind me before i fell onto my bed sobbing, shaking, pitying myself.

    now, it's over, it's over, it's over and it'll never happen again but the pain leaks out sometimes. it wasn't right and i wish i could go back in time to stand up for that broken child. but all i can do is heal and let the fire burn out so i can finally rise from the ashes.

    1 month sober

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  • Wall

    by Decnelis21 on August 01, 2014



    Is there anybody out there?

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  • July 30.

    by Fallen Leaves on July 30, 2014

    I am heading back to my home province on Monday for my summer camp. I have all week free because work isn't busy whatsoever. I could easily go back to the farm to hang out there for August Long, but I have decided not to. I already had a lovely weekend planned with my friends. We are tenting on someone's front lawn and attending a small fair and some sort of festival. I don't know the details, but I already know it's going to be legendary.

    A couple of weeks ago when I was having an emotional breakdown of some sort, my one friend texted me. "I know you're far away from home and from your family. But we love you a lot and now we can be your family." It was one of the most wonderful things I had ever heard.

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  • to whoever sent me a PM asking for a way to contact me

    by RosesAtSunset on July 25, 2014

    your PM created a weird glitch that didn't allow me to see your message until mike, the mod, fixed it. i can't tell who sent it, however, so PM me your email and i will contact you.

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  • July 23.

    by Fallen Leaves on July 23, 2014

    If I had a memoir, I think it would be called Homesick for a Place I've Never Been. Sometimes I feel lovely and wonderful, but in the quiet I remember how out of place I am. I've been lightly toying with the idea of getting counselling or therapy or something. I have a hard time understanding if my shy sadness is something normal or something strange. I can't imagine I will ever go. 

    On the upside, I have stopped crying when boys touch me. That's a new installment in my life.

    Last night when I came home at 3am, my roommate had a bit of a talk with me. "I know you say you don't care, but I don't think you mean it. You're miserable." I didn't want to talk about it with her. We used to be so close.

    I go back to my home province next week to volunteer at the summer camp I have been involved with for seven years. I called my mom yesterday to ask if I should book off work after camp to visit the farm. It turns out nobody will be home then because they will be off gallavanting with my sister for softball. "Well, I need you guys to meet up with me. You need to bring me my winter stuff." "Why did you bring it home in the first place?" "I don't know. I thought I was moving universities. I didn't know I would need it here again."

    I'm so homesick but I feel like there's nowhere to go.

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  • Consistency.

    by Fallen Leaves on July 18, 2014

    It's all a matter of crafting. Crafting an image that you're comfortable, crafting a context in which to thrive, crafting a sentence that coherently expresses how lost you feel sometimes. I feel very odd, because I am both the most comfortable I have ever been and the farthest cry from who I used to be a year ago. I'm exhausted from trying to make the right decisions. Sometimes all I want to do is curl up and have someone stroke my hair.

    I feel like I am violating every binary of emotion sometimes. How can I be this happy to be alive yet so quietly lonely? How can I be so determined to make good decisions and not give two simple fucks when I make an awful choice? I'm more upset about how I'm not upset. I'm barely even recognizable anymore, and I don't know if I even mind.

    This morning, I woke up and decided it was finally time to put my train back on its tracks. Forget about this silly little 'heartbreak', drink less, eat enough and eat properly, apply for scholarships, go outside. It didn't take long for that sentiment to burn out.

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  • The Chosen One's Calling

    by bilboswagins on July 17, 2014

    We who were born into darkness, will soon see the light.

    That is of course, if we do not allow darkness to consume us before hand.

    It is our job, our mission, and our duty, as God's chosen ones (ones born with light placed inside them) to place light inside others.

    Convincing residents of this world that their home is a dark place, and guiding them into the light will not lack great difficulty. 

    We who contain light within us, cannot fully understand the light, for who can understand perfection? 

    God, being the sweetness that he is, created us in his image, falwed in our eyes, perfect in his, that we may one day understand that perfection is found in all beings, though darkness may cover the surface, for it is the flaws that make us unique, and what makes us perfect in his sight. 

    Giving us this hope we may find perfection in the flawed, the light in the dark, and help the helpless. 

    WE WHO CONTAIN THE LIGHT. You have a job on this Earth; you have found the light, now go help those who haven't. For they are lost in the darkness. 

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    by DeathAngel117 on July 13, 2014

    true insanity lays where we believe it is not.

    who are we to say what is right and what is wrong?

    insanity is the beleife ones perfection.

    because ones perfection is anothers hell.

    there is no true sanity,

    for dark places doth dwell

    inside our hearts and in our minds.

    though we run from such horrors,

    we admit they are so devine.

    if you think you are sane you are crazy.

    if you know you're insane,

    the more sane you may be.

    everything has a purpose, 

    but it isnt a good one.

    for god has abbandond us, 

    and the war has begun.

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  • Bastille

    by hghrules on July 10, 2014

    I love them. So so so so so much. I was tempted to copy and paste, like, five hundred so's. But I didn't. Be glad.


    Anyways, I have an obsession with Bastille and their songs, which have extremely hidden meanings sometimes. It's so much fun to try to figure out what they mean. I think I've sort of figured out "The Silence." Now I'm gonna examine "The Draw." (or maybe just hope someone else has an explanation.)

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  • july 7.

    by Fallen Leaves on July 08, 2014

    I think I have to train myself to enjoy spending time alone again. I need to put down my phone and pick up a pen and paper again, or pick up a book, or go for a bike ride and not say a word. I need to start facing things.

    I can't really write in here anymore, either, because my friends found out about this journal and now they read it and tease me. It's not very private now that people I know are reading my late-night petty wonderings. 

    Oh how I wish I could keep my own secrets.

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