Recent Journal Entries

  • Love in Terraform

    by idkadrian on May 03, 2016

    Odds intact, tactfully reigning in through the void

    We act so innocent and put on a show

    We're paranoid, we're paranoid, we're paranoid

    We're paranoid, we're paranoid, we're paranoid

     

    The mind altered, our insistance faltered

    We were seconds away from home

    We were open to ideas unknown

    I couldn't detonize

    Because love in terraform

     

    I'm your amenity

    To intake all of that reality

    You're the deepest part of my soul

    We were open to ideas unknown

    I couldn't detonize

    Because love in terraform

     

    Odds intact, tactfully reigning in through the void

    We act so innocent and put on a show

    We're paranoid, we're paranoid, we're paranoid

    We're paranoid, we're paranoid, we're paranoid

     

    Simply like that, don't stray

    Don't ever take it that far

    The desire to dissipate in a pool of longevity

    We're caught for an instance, it eats us whole

    Or let off the hook and left with uncertainty

    We're caught in those web of lies

    I'm drinking too much and that's just fine

    Wouldn't you like to know what all aligns?

     

    The mind altered, our insistance faltered

    We were seconds away from home

    We were open to ideas unknown

    I couldn't detonize

    Because love in terraform

     

    I'm your amenity

    To intake all of that reality

    You're the deepest part of my soul

    We were open to ideas unknown

    I couldn't detonize

    Because love in terraform



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  • What We Left Unsaid

    by idkadrian on May 02, 2016

    Don't mean a thing

    Don't mean a God damn thing

    Oh, Lord

    How could you do this?

    I thought we been through this

     

    Distance with a moment

    I thought honestly we'd chosen

    To care within our grain

    You've got scars along your brain

    You've got cause within close range

    You've got scars along your brain



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  • /

    by unpoised on May 02, 2016

    how can i expect you to understand when you live life like it's so run through?

    i am trying to live honestly. i am trying to keep my friends. i am trying to keep my cynicism at bay. people tell me things, but i tell myself i know what's right. i don't know if i do. i don't know how to trust someone to the core.

    i don't know what you're saying just to keep me. or maybe just to keep a safe place. i choose to believe, but you know how i am with decision making.

    you might not have respect for me. you might not feel what you say. but i don't know how to live another way. i felt like a tall, expensive orchid. now i feel like a statue covered in dust, fingerprints from everyone who's ever touched

    me.

    i don't write anymore. and when i do, it feels empty.

    i miss when i thought i wanted to know everything about you. i miss when you wanted to know anything about me.

    i used to only say sorry for things that i should have. now i'm sorry for everything because i don't want to lose you. but i will probably, again, be the fool in the end.

    again and again and again and again



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  • Shallow Reflections.

    by neatocheeto on May 02, 2016

    I can't believe I am here all these years later and doing what? Over thinking boys and their dumb games. But i can't help but think what could be if you stopped needed something more than me. And what I have to offer could potentially make you a better person but I am the bad person for wanting to pursue that side of life. Honestly, honestly, honestly. When you look into my eyes what do you see? I know you see nothing but an explosion of love. I know that because when I i look into your eyes I see the same thing staring back at me. Why deny that explosion? For selfish reasons no doubt. Is it becasue i have more curves than you have ever delt with in your life? Or is it that i am a more direct woman than you have had the pleasure of meeting in your life. It shouldn't matter to me. I was told to drop it by a mutual friend. So its done. Moving on. Moving on to ol Wes. Someone willing to give me their time. I can grow to have feelings for him. What a nightmare. All by my owe doing, of course. What is need is sleep and for it not to be one in the morning and for me not to have these confusing thoughts this late cause i can hardly think straight. Too much loneliness blocks out my pratical ideals. Get with it sister. And, sidenote, thank goodness that the ol older, devoted, married man fiasco is probably for the most part over with. I need to stop being so lazy and get my ass to making descisions. And possibly pulling out a loan for my car bullshit. Jesus. Time to man up and stop bullshitting around. 



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  • Night of the Living Hotel

    by idkadrian on May 01, 2016

    Company's fine with me while they relentlessly

    Watch from here to know exactly what you want

    What you know I need, but you like to disagree

    Half of the time, it's like a mystery

    I could use another good idea, smart one

    I am done, I'm no fun, I'm alone, and I am no one

     

    It's nighttime out the street lights ablaze

    Morning comes and then you've got your day

    In the night, in the night of the living hotel

    Spend it sulking after sex, it's our own hell

    What will we come out with next?

    What will we think of ourselves?

     

    It's nighttime out the street lights ablaze

    Morning comes and then you've got your day

    In the night, in the night of the living hotel

    Spend it sulking after sex, it's our own hell

    What will we come out with next?

    What will we think of ourselves?



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  • Purely Electric

    by idkadrian on April 30, 2016

    Bodies combusting, invade me like a Trojan horse

    They've left it up to us, but you're in denial of course

    We trickle, you're dismal for the moment as you

    We fondle, you're horizontal for the moment as you

    They've left it up to us, but you're in denial of course

     

    Here's the deal, we got no view, or a place so eccentric

    Our mind and body spontaneously kinetic

    Through undivided motion, it was purely electric

    (Our mind and body spontaneously kinetic)

    (Our mind and body spontaneously kinetic)

     

    Youth and intimacy

    Rummage through the gate

    Leave me with a Porter

    Something I would've drank

    Weave a web, an intricacy

    Dick in hand, hand grenade

    Bulletproof they had came

     

    Your version of right from where I stood wrong

    Haven't you heard that I've been too far gone?

    Life outside that bay window has been unkind

    And now you're thinking I'm a waste of time

    I mean, who got you to see what it's like here outside?

     

    Here's the deal, we got no view, or a place so eccentric

    Our mind and body spontaneously kinetic

    Through undivided motion, it was purely electric

    (Our mind and body spontaneously kinetic)

    (Our mind and body spontaneously kinetic)

     

    Here's the deal, we got no view, or a place so eccentric

    Our mind and body spontaneously kinetic

    Through undivided motion, it was purely electric

    (Our mind and body spontaneously kinetic)

    (Our mind and body spontaneously kinetic)

     

    Bodies combusting, invade me like a Trojan horse

    They've left it up to us, but you're in denial of course

    We trickle, you're dismal for the moment as you

    We fondle, you're horizontal for the moment as you

    They've left it up to us, but you're in denial of course



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  • Bound to You

    by idkadrian on April 30, 2016

    I would've given up my worst to try my absolute best

    I would have gotten ready, if I hadn't been a mess

    I would have done things so differently and I confess

    Maggot brain

    Fickle heart

    Useless worries couldn't keep us apart

    Maggot brain

    Fickle heart

    Useless worries couldn't keep us apart

     

    How I'm such an otherworldly savant so I thought

    You enjoyed the attention so now you're repenting

    You bundled into a clench, I couldn't believe that

    I'm commending him to go, I'm depending on me

    You bundled into a clench, I couldn't believe that

    I'm commending him to go, I'm reliving my fantasy

     

    I would've given up my worst to try my absolute best

    I would have gotten ready, if I hadn't been a mess

    I would have done things so differently and I confess

    Maggot brain

    Fickle heart

    Useless worries couldn't keep us apart

    Maggot brain

    Fickle heart

    Useless worries couldn't keep us apart

     

    Love was revoked

    Well, I hope you choke

    I'd be volatile, if I could

    Yeah, we couldn't cope

    Narrow aisles

    Endless cycles

    Life in piles to do

    Here I am, bound to you


    How I'm such an otherworldly savant so I thought

    You enjoyed the attention so now you're repenting

    You bundled into a clench, I couldn't believe that

    I'm commending him to go, I'm depending on me

    You bundled into a clench, I couldn't believe that

    I'm commending him to go, I'm reliving my fantasy

     

    Love was revoked

    Well, I hope you choke

    I'd be volatile, if I could

    Yeah, we couldn't cope

    Narrow aisles

    Endless cycles

    Life in piles to do

    Here I am, bound to you

     

    Love was revoked

    Well, I hope you choke

    I'd be volatile, if I could

    Yeah, we couldn't cope

    Narrow aisles

    Endless cycles

    Life in piles to do

    Here I am, bound to you



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  • obviously lazily borrowing but i certainly could not distill it any better than this

    by artemisagrotera on April 27, 2016

    i'm not your lover

    i'm not your friend

     

    i am something that you'll never comprehend

     

     

    love u

     

     

     

     

     



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  • why are you mad at me

    by artemisagrotera on April 19, 2016

    once again, i was available

    (for at least a year)

    you did nothing except find yourself a girlfriend

    this is an unfortunate and continuing pattern 

    but don't be mad at me if you do nothing to indicate interest and then my attention drifts away for a second

    because you know where it always returns.

     



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  • April 13, 2016

    by alterEgo on April 13, 2016

    I don't know why I'm typing here. It's 1.30am and I can't sleep. Too many thoughts ticking away. The coffee I had before I started my shift is preventing me from sleeping, I'm sensitive to coffee after 5pm, but i just take it because I'm a zombie at work. I really don't want to be there. So many depressive thoughts, so much guilt I feel. Guilt that I feel that I am the shy girl, disgust or some sort of jealousy when I see someone getting along so well with other coworkers and is so well liked, but she is so stupid, I feel she talks to me as if I'm stupid. I don't know why I hate the girl, I think I accept this. I accept my hate for her, she hasn't done anything to me, I just hate her for being who she is. I just accept that now. It's not fair at all to her, I am being nice to her, maybe she senses that my feelings aren't true. but it feels nice to admit that. I'm sorry that you are a victim to my hatred, you have done nothing wrong, it's a feeling within me, I've seen it before. it's not a strong hate, I just don't like you at all, but you are so loved by everyone, maybe that's why I hate you.

    But who cares really, I don't care what people think of me, the ones who truly know me are the ones I truly care about. That is all that matters, the people within my bubble, they are all I love, they are all that matter. 



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  • Rainbow's End

    by NomadMonad on April 12, 2016

    We paint your breeding world as queer
    and every man a closet queen.
    Your days like Noah’s now appear…
    our King arrives to crown the scene.

    Oh Father of progressive souls
    whose neo-pagan mercy reigns,
    bring union to fragmented wholes
    as lovers rattle rainbow-chains.

    We’re clubbing with the scribes of sex
    (our fairy-dusted lying press)
    who pay out cash for background checks
    while prying more and praying less.

    The starry heavens twinkle gay
    and rainbows end in gold, you know).
    To see it any other way
    would harsh our high and end the show…

    Your family paradigm descends
    upon the Roman road to hell
    where reproductive reason ends
    in demographic show-and-tell.

    God’s wisdom pleads in vain. What’s life
    when mobs are primed for anarchy –
    assaulting yet again Lot’s wife
    in Sodom’s dead democracy.



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  • 4am

    by alterEgo on April 11, 2016

    I just had this awful dream, where my perspective was from a girl who was raped, about to murdered, but then escaped to some hostel where she meets other young people (maybe homeless) who have no where else to go to. The guy who raped her wanders around looking for her, he claims to be her father, and that is she disobedient and has mental problems. He goes around knocking doors looking for her. A few days go by when she hears him at the door, and hides crouched behind the couch begging them not to believe him, and then she tells them he had raped her, and planned to kill her, but she managed to get away. The setting where the rape took place is in the countryside, in an abandoned delapdidated house. When the guy comes round the hostel looking for her, the hostel guys believe her and 3 of their buffest guys start beating up the rapist guy. The rapist guy has a small blade from a switch blade in his hand and uses it against one of the guys on top of him. He gets the blade to slice the guys neck, everyone is shocked, and there is blood everywhere. The rapist guy uses this moment as his chance to escape. Meanwhile people are trying to give medical attention to the guy who had this neck cut. The girl who had been raped is now shaking and crying.

     

    Viewing this from her perspective was quite horrifying, I truly felt scared for my life, especially that moment trying to run away from him initially. He said something along the lines of "you can run all you want but you won't get far. You're going to die" so I ran away pushing through the debris of the broken house, and debris surrounding the area, running along the grass but keeping close to the road, it was night fortunately. I ended up in a hostel (don't remember how I got there). I make friends at the hostel, but for some reason don't open up to them about the fact that some guy is trying to kill me, perhaps too scared or too shaken. 

    It felt more like watching a movie, than being the actual person since I had little control of my actions. The feeling I had while dreaming this was like watching a Rob Zombie film, extremely unpleasant to watch other people suffering. 

    I was glad to be woken up at this time of 4am, because I didn't want to keep dreaming about that. I was woken by my dad, who is leaving for his 2 week holiday. I'm pretty tired now, just wanted to write about this before I forget. Hopefully I'll dream of something better now.



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  • Hello

    by alterEgo on April 11, 2016

    I'm looking at my pretty lava lamp, talking to my boyfriend. falling deeper into sleep state. sleepy so sleepy. i  shared my journal with someone else i hope i don't regret it. I can only think of customers and my bf's soothing voice. No more suffering. very blissful. my coworkers said' that i look sick. I may be sick in the mind. my dad called my sickness 'lazy sickness'. I'm just tired all the time, I woke up nauseous. it seems to happen daily, im not pregnant, because i am on my period. I don't know what it is, I think it might be the birth control pills. 

    i want to leave work, like how many other people have left. I really should. i dont want to be around love birds, and bitching people. 



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  • give your entry a sad little poem

    by CleanLaundry on April 09, 2016

    Seaside, 12a.m.

    & slamming the car door closed
    & an ocean roaring in the dark
    & pushing a cut key through the lock
    & a deadbolt turning clockwise
    & stepping through the threshold
    & climbing the carpeted stairs
    & taking off my clothes
    & collapsing into bed
    & there is a deadbolt in my chest
    & there is a lock I cannot see
    & I wish there was an ocean
    roaring inside of me



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  • Hard Cell

    by NomadMonad on April 08, 2016

     

    Free verse was captured,
    confined to a cell
    by readers unraptured
    in modernist hell.

    And there he did languish
    while chained to the wall
    and desperate in anguish
    gave forth a last call:

    “Listen and read me—
    my muse is the best!
    Applaud and then feed me,
    your starving guest !

    Don’t fall for that beat…
    Please ignore their old line.
    I’m here. I’m effete.
    I’m a modern divine…

    like it in prison
    No, really — I’m free!”
    (But his lock was awaiting
    Your Readership’s key.

    For the moderns all lie,
    as your readership knows;
    Modern poets don’t die—
    they just decompose.)

     

    https://connecthook.wordpress.com/

    An original poem every day of April:   NaPoWriMo2016



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  • Dark Side in Light

    by NomadMonad on April 06, 2016

    Sight up eclipsed cerebral cells,

    let King Selassie spark a blaze.

    Drink of the Truth from lunar wells

    lighting up shadows, as it plays

    Invade the cold abandoned hells

    with transcendental roundelays

    and let reality move on through

    until our testament renew…

    ♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♫♪♪♪♫♪♫♪♪♪♫♪

     

    a poem a day for NaPoWriMo2016
    (Ntl. Poetry Writing Month: April)

    www.connecthook.wordpress.com



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  • A Choice

    by SaintLee on April 04, 2016


    When nothing becomes everything
    and the day matters not
    in sorrow and shadow
    my eyes cease to see

    Taken by everyone
    sold without profit I am
    tossed and forgotten
    dreams no longer come
    worthless and alone

    Life hits hard
    spot on and spit at
    looking back to see
    a desolate nothing
    my achievements in life

    My life of no creation
    no fruit or flower blooms
    years filled for nothing
    still waters becoming shallow
    death waits to bathe

    Forever unsung and never consoled
    my point becomes pointless
    I stare at futures unwanted
    my choice becoming clear
    rewrite the story again

    Apologies to all without
    forgiving of self
    a waste of torrid life
    lies beget suffering in me
    barren seed to sow
    with no one to reap



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  • ever get dizzy lookin at the clouds

    by RosesAtSunset on March 28, 2016

    i tell people i'm off social media because its distracting, but it's mostly because my life feels so dull compared to everyone's vacations and love and achievements. i'm scared someone saw me peeing beside my car today while i watched IT crowd. who wants to hear about that? well, whoever is reading this i guess. all 3 of you. xoxo lots of love.

    is being a stoner degenerate cool? i wouldn't know. i had lunch with my drug dealer at this place that can basically be described as a fancy hooters. he paid and then we went to this park and sat in silence for about 13 minutes until i said i had to go home and study.

    but we both know i didn't study. i just took a nap. not sure if that's going to mess up my weed supply, but i don't care. i don't want to sleep with my drug dealer. and i offered to split the bill. but who am i justifying myself to? we both know he wasn't buying me bruschetta for my health. but i dunno.

    unspoken social contracts aren't binding and i would stop hanging out with my drug dealer if i had more satisfying relationships in my life. i thought about joining the anime club, but that will probably be pretty similar to my attempt at joining the 3ds club. all the people who enjoy my hobbies are usually even stranger than i am. i'm just complaining to avoid accepting that i'm wasting my life away. 

    guitar is going poorly. still stuck on wonderwall and feeling disheartened that it's already 2 months in and i'm not jimi hendrix. i want instant gratification but all i have are irritated finger tips. thinking about buying phosphorus strings, but you can't buy practice and talent. 

    things get better in spring, but i haven't been doing much to make it that way. sometimes i wish i could take a couple of seconds to rearrange my life without the winds of time rushing thru my ears. but i'd probably use those seconds to get high without anyone bothering me.

    what a curse to be denied the things i shouldn't want. 



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