Recent Journal Entries

  • drunk thoughts.

    by Fallen Leaves on October 19, 2014

    Last time I drunkenly opened my laptop to write, I vomited an entry full of self-pity. It was pathetic, which was an honest reflection of how I felt at that point. I felt disconnected, disjointed, forgotten, and alone.

    And now I drunkenly open my laptop to write once more. This night, much like the last, was a disappointment. I expected fabulous adventures with legendary events. Nothing spectacular happened. But this time around, I don't mind. If you were to ask me my favourite part of tonight, I would say it was the pre-game when we were all sitting in my friend's living room, taking turns on his laptop to pick a song on Youtube. We put on our best Billy Joe Armstrong impressions and sang Good Riddance (Time of Your Life). We linked arms and sang Swing Life Away. We air guitared to old school Billy Talent. All was well.

    I am just so glad that things feel wonderful again. I am glad to not feel alone. I am grateful to feel like I am part of something.



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  • october 16.

    by Fallen Leaves on October 16, 2014

    I woke up today feeling sad in a light, airy way. I dreamed of my friend who passed away about two months ago. In the first half of the dream, it was the day before his death and I was trying to warn him to be careful, trying to make him understand that he was loved and we would miss him. "What are you talking about?" he asked. "I have seen it, and tomorrow, you're going to hang yourself," I said. He didn't believe me. Even he thought it was unthinkable.

    Part two of the dream was bittersweet. It was after his death. He appeared in my room. "Oh my gosh, I have so much to tell you!" I said excitedly. "I can't believe you're dead. You're such an idiot. I am so mad at you for not staying here with us. Guess what song they played at your funeral? Yeah, Kelly Clarkson! I was laughing during the service. Leave it up to you to troll me one last time." We talked and discussed things as if they weren't as serious as they were. "I want to hug you, but I don't know if I can feel you," I told him. He said sadly, "I don't know if I am anything but negative space, but you can try." I could. He laid down on my bed, and I rested my head on his chest. "I miss you," I said. When my mom and sister walked in, it was as if he was never there.

    I do miss him a lot. Sometimes I see something funny and I want to send it to him. Sometimes I want to call him out of the blue to tell him about the guy I'm seeing ("You wouldn't be-LIEVE how good he is at volleyball!" I would say; he would answer, "Like how good?!"). It hurts for me to think about, so sometimes I just don't.

    Besides this, though, I had a wonderful day. I had a class then studied. I wrote my midterm and feel like I got a B or higher. After my exam, I met up with Adam, the boy I'm officially seeing now. We went to a nearby cafe and had lasagna. He traced his thumb on the back of my hand and I made him laugh. We only hung out for an hour, but it was lovely that we could find the time at all.

    I studied with a friend for my two midterms tomorrow, then studied alone. To break up the monotony, I went to the bar for an hour to have some casual drinks with friends. And now I am here, writing about my day just in case anyone on the internet is lonely enough to care. I will study some more and then get some rest.

    It's fascinating to me, how stressful this week should have been. Work, hockey, volleyball, three midterms, and essay, a group project, and regular homework. Yet I was barely phased by my workload. I guess when you have someone to share things with - little things like how nice it is outside and big things like being frightened from a dream about your friend's suicide - you don't feel as stressed. Everything just kind of feels wonderful sometimes. Today was one of those days.



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  • Day two

    by Serenity Wood on October 14, 2014

    So, I've decided I'm going to get on everyday that I can and post to this journal. Right now I want to listen to Buckcherry's Crazy Bitch. I love that song. "Hey you're a crazy bitch but you fuck so good I'm on top of it when I dream, I'm doin' you all night. Scratches all down my back to keep me right on...."



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  • Changes

    by naivelistener on October 14, 2014

    I once told a girl I will never forget, "I don't think people change." I told her we simply adapt to our situations, that if she had the free time she once did she'd be the same adventurous, fun loving person she once was. I whole-heartedly believed this at the time, and despite the fact she still is that fun loving person, I'm not so sure I believe it anymore.

    It seems a bit juvenile but my mind changed while perusing the internet on a slow day at work. I came across a quote by an anonymous philosopher. "Change is the only constant." I was captivated by the idea. I thought about how every second in my twenty years, no matter how large or small, has shaped me into the young man I am today. I thought of these momentous (and sometimes not) occasions, and wondered how much I'd forgotten and how much had made a lasting impression.

    We don't realize it in the moment, that's what I've learned since my epiphany. Only after it's happened do you know an event has changed your life.

    I remember vividly being told of a family tragedy in December, 2003. I could never be the same. In those hard times I found happiness in the sunsets and the stars. They reminded of Alaska, and the relatives I would never see again.

    It was years later that I officially met that incredible girl. We became such good friends because of that tragedy. I see that now. All those years ago I changed, I found beauty in the stars. Something we will always share.



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  • october 11.

    by Fallen Leaves on October 11, 2014

    One year ago, Thanksgiving weekend. I remember being so agitated, feeling frustrated and emotionally homeless. I didn't want to go back to the farm to celebrate Thanksgiving - who wants to drive a 22-hour round trip for a long weekend, only to remember how miserable and isolated the farm feels? I sure didn't. I didn't feel like the city was home, either. I felt trapped, tense, lost. At least when I lived at the farm, I could rely on forward-thinking ("Next year will be better, next year I will be somewhere else"), but when you've finally arrived at 'somewhere else' and you're still miserable, you don't know what to do.

    Today. Thanksgiving weekend. Of course it would be nice to be gluttonous in my childhood home, bursting with my mother's cooking and cheap red wine. Equally wonderful is to be in the city this weekend, with weekend plans and places to be and people to see and things to do. My week of scholarly irresponsibility has condemned me to my dorm room for now, trying to catch up on the homework I've let sit. Still, though, I have plenty of opportunities for escape from research (right now: Judaistic perspectives on fertility medication); my friend and I are going to go out for coffee right away, my other friend told me to call him when I was done homework, my fridge needs to be filled with food, and I have an invite to go shopping. Tonight, my friends and I are getting together for one last bonfire. We will sit in my friend's backyard around a tiny fire, cooking marshmallows and drinking beer.

    Home is a wonderful place, and instead of having zero like last year, now I have two.



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  • A new life

    by alterEgo on October 11, 2014

     a new job, and a new romantic interest.

    [I didn't mean to abandon you my love, but why is it with each passing day I forget the things we had. Knowing the old me I wouldn;t want to forget. I loved you so deeply, you had my soul, now I just look at you like an old fond memory, and I hate that feeling. I still feel for you, even though it didn't work out, I never thought it would end.]

    The new romantic interest in my life, is pretty amazing. He fills my void, and holds me tenderly. I just don't want my heart broken again.



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  • Dreams

    by naivelistener on October 09, 2014

    I dreampt I was floating silently through space like I have so many times before. I felt no stress, no fear, no longing to be home. I felt content. It's become a trend, I feel that the only time I'm truly happy is when I'm alone.  It's then that I reflect and realize just how small I am.  I like this feeling very much.

    It's a bit of a cliche notion, but when you come to understand how large the universe really is, it is the most humbling experience that can be felt by our species. I always imagine Apollo 11's crew looking at this planet, awestruck and unable to speak. They'd look to eachother and they wouldn't need words. They knew they'd never be able to describe it to those who haven't seen it. The detail sure, but never the feeling. Earth, from outside the atmosphere. Life enveloped in darkness. They'd take pictures and collect samples but when they return they'd yearn to leave.  To see it from the outside once again.  

    That's what I strive to feel. That fleeting thrill followed by...enlightenment. The moment when you know you'll never be the same. When you are a witness to your own change. I would leave it all behind for this chance. If only for a moment.  In that moment I would be alone, and I would be happy.  And If I returned I would share the pictures, and tell the stories.  My friends and family would gather round and listen close and in the end, to them, they would only be stories. It wouldn't matter, I'd have seen it, and I would be happy, and I would pine to return.



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  • what a fine life we are living.

    by Fallen Leaves on October 09, 2014

                    My spirits have undergone a drastic revolution. The statue of loneliness I had erected is being torched as we speak, torn down by a turn of fortunes. Oh, you say you got a real solution.

                    As I believe I mentioned in a previous entry, my friend dropped by last Sunday evening. He took me out for a complimentary sandwich (“Are you hungry? I know you don’t eat sometimes”) and a midnight discussion. “I’ve noticed things. You’re getting progressively worse. You seem to be falling apart. I can’t believe nobody else has paid attention to this. Are you okay?” We talked for two hours, hashing out basic things (“Oh man, they’re gonna last a month, then it will blow up in their face”) and not-so-basic things (“You can’t beat yourself up for your friend’s suicide. There’s no point. It wasn’t your fault).

                    From then on, I feel like things improved a little. If my behaviour was so blatantly desperate, and that reflected my inner turmoil, then it was time for a damn change. I don’t know if it was anything I specifically did, or a turn of circumstance.

                    On the weekend, I returned to the farm for my cousin’s wedding (I chose flying back for the wedding over flying home for Thanksgiving). Spending a cozy afternoon snuggled under a woolen blanket on a porch swing, sporting my father’s fluffy socks and with a little of month-old kittens on my lap – oh, it did me wonders. Nothing can revamp a person’s enthusiasm for life quite like being immersed in the comforts of your childhood home, especially when your childhood home is set in the secluded countryside and everything smells like earth. The silence of the country can put the wrong things in your heart back into their rightful place.

                    Of course, too, it was wonderful to spend time with my family. They’re good people. Going home is humbling. No matter how horribly wrong things may go here in the city, I have a place to escape to. Mom will make me a square meal, Dad will go to church on Sunday, and things will be as they always have been in my small town.

                    Another thing that undoubtedly ties to my drastic change of spirits – I met a boy. I will try my best to avoid mundane details (or, much more likely, the gushy garbage that I’m so inclined to write). A friend and co-worker at the restaurant said she had a friend for me and pointed him out one day on his walk to class. He came into the restaurant while I was working. I served him and found him to be delightful. He later got my number from my friend.

    We went on a date last Wednesday, starting with a simple tea in a trendy café and ending at my city’s tourist hot-spot. The beauty, though, was that I brought him there in the middle of the night, when the orange lights shone off of the water and the horizon sparkled. We climbed up a structure, perched atop of it, and talked for an hour. Or two. I have no idea. He nervously admitted, “I’ve been thinking of the best way to kiss you… oh gosh, why did I say that, now this is awkward.” I laughed and kissed him first.

    On Monday, we went for coffee before his choir practice. Afterwards, we watched a movie in my room and accidentally stayed up until 4am, kissing and laughing and talking. “I hope you know this is very strange for me,” I told him, “that I am not emotionally indifferent to you.” Sometimes he interrupts with an enormous smile. “What are you laughing at?” He shrugs and says, “My good fortune.”

    A couple of campus friends have asked what I’m smiling about. As I relayed details to my former roommate, she jumped up and down like an excitable bird: “About time! Aghhhh it is so good to see you looking happy again!” My cheeks flush red.

    When I put on Disney songs as a joke in his car, he knew the words better than I did.

     



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  • :)

    by Shorty0822 on October 09, 2014

    Never too late!



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  • Oct 9 12:28PM

    by bcrxing on October 09, 2014

    I think I've given up on myself.



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  • 1009

    by unpoised on October 08, 2014

    this week i found out my grandfather was dying while i was buying adderall from a boy with an air mattress in his living room. i said “just one more,” to cope with the stress. to cope with the morning. my family says pray, pray, pray, for more days but i only ever kneeled on the pew with one eye open. i never learned to let faith manifest.

    when i was 15 i never thought i’d make it to 20. but here i am, my heart not an ounce as heavy. while he lays in a Boston hospital bed with nowhere left to go, i am laying under the southern October sun, full of possibility.

    so far, i’ve only cried for minutes until i forced my eyes shut. i’m scared because i don’t know if i feel numb or if it’s a sense of relief that he knows where he’s going. 88 years old with a wife who left you years behind- if what he believes is right, he’s going to Paradise. a legion in the sky with war buddies and a wife who never stops dancing. a wife who remembers his name again.

    i can’t imagine loving someone so much. so much that you look forward to the dark for another chance. i can’t imagine going out cold and easy. but i’m 20 with a chemical heart beating beating beating at least until i feel the desert heat again.



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  • Pawns

    by naivelistener on October 07, 2014

    I write to put my fears to paper.  My characters fight valiently in an effort to conquer the doubt, stress, and anxiety.  Truth is, I'm not sure this ever actually helps. Every once in a while i'll gain valuable insight on how to solve a trivial problem.  The rest of the time I'm throwing pawns to their certain death at the hands of these brutal fears.

    Of all the foes, in my stories, one can never be defeated.  The fear of failure is this unstoppable force.  My brave pawns have tried many times to find a weakness, the fact is, there isn't one. They perish and I am left to worry. After all, I've seen it take men much stronger than me...    



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  • rererererehab

    by RosesAtSunset on October 06, 2014

    all i want to do is lay in bed and kiss you
    two mouths one breath

    but i wake up like a single bracket an incomplete parenthesis
    so i keep talking making conversation ignoring the fact
    that i'm ready to follow my own advice

    or try to
    i'm never going to kiss you again

    or try not to
    because it's hard not to
    when i think about the lovely creases at the corners of your mouth

    when you smile
    and our teeth click together

    but it's morse code
    for good bye
    and i close the empty space

    with a long sigh
    for the longest goodbye



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  • Oct 6 6:55PM

    by bcrxing on October 06, 2014

    I can only describe it as feeling inadequate. Maybe a touch of who the fuck am i and what am i doing. i feel like im having a crisis of person like a midlife crisis but im only twenty. in fact newly twenty because i just turned twenty last week. ive been twenty for almost a week now and i dont even know what that means. when i think about it i feel like im about to pass out or sufficate or just sob. 



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  • I should be doing my homework.

    by Fallen Leaves on October 01, 2014

    But actually, I should be doing my homework. However, I have two orders of business that I would like to address.

    1) I have been having a hard time lately and I think that's pretty clear. I would just like to thank the kind human beings who make my days so much better. Whether it's one of you guys commenting something encouraging, or getting a private message out of concern, or my real-life friends... you all rock. One of my friends texted me Sunday afternoon (the day after my drunken venting entry). She was out on the town with me. She simply asked if I was doing okay lately. Another friend dropped by at 11pm to "pick up some stuff" that he forgot in my apartment. He sat down and said, "I've been watching this get worse and worse. I just need to make sure you're okay." Then he took me out for a meal ("Are you hungry? I know you just don't eat sometimes") and we talked for a couple of hours.

    I am super blessed to be wrapped with this sort of love and kindness. Sometimes I just want to scream and beat my fists against the floor, and sometimes I want to stare out my window from my bed and see nothing for hours at a time. I have such a fantastic support system. I'm still considering counselling but who knows if I will even need it.

    2) To make a long story short, something hilarious happened to me tonight that only my ex-boyfriend (Lance) would fully appreciate (hint: it involves a guy I went out with for a couple of times and a grandiose gesture of romance... I met Lance while on a date with this fellow). I texted Lance and told him the story, and he told me he laughed so hard that he woke up his parents. I was laughing so hard at the whole escapade and Lance's reaction to it that my stomach still hurts. Lance texted back saying, "Stop it, stop it right now, tears are running down my cheeks."

    I haven't really talked with Lance like this since we dated. This carefree. This enjoyable. And it makes me miss him a lot, because he and I were peas and motherfucking carrots.



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  • drunk venting. And

    by Fallen Leaves on September 28, 2014

    I had big plans of my friends staying over tonight. My uptight roommate is away for the weekend, so the boys set up the air mattress in my kitchen to crash on after a night of partying. Big things were happening in our city this weekend. Yet we walk out to hit up the town, and they all pair off with their respective girlfriends.And I get too drunk and drop my phone and crack the screen. And in the end, my friends all go home with their women and I come back to an empty, desolate dormitory with an empty air mattress and no good stories to tell.

    i used to have so much promise, but now what do i have? mediocre participation in school? improved alcohol tolerance?



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  • exit, pursued by a bear

    by CleanLaundry on September 26, 2014

    I really hate the word "banal" if you say that word to me more than once a day in casual conversation, I think youre banal as fuck and what's even worse is that people always switch up the pronunciation, like does it rhyme with "anal" or "canal"

    sometimes I feel like I'm swimming in an anal canal because the area around my apartment smells like a sewage plant and I'm already a bit compulsive about how often I do my laundry. 

    there's this huge bruise on my ribs where I fell off the fence I was trying to climb. I was on my way to a job interview and thought taking a short cut was a genius notion. the hiring manager was like "blah blah blah the banal realities of this industry are determined by the blah blah ill informed blah blah mass produced customer " and I'm like "no freakin duh can I please have a job though?"

    now the bruise is yellow and black like smoke trapped beneath membrane. the under armor I'm wearing is pressing against it in an unbearable but slightly pleasurable way. is that messed up? 

    I think I'm having a bad day. 



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  • september 24.

    by Fallen Leaves on September 25, 2014

    I feel constantly caffeinated, like there's always an extra little boost coursing through my veins. Even when I'm exhausted, I'm almost shaky with seemingly infinite energyI feel everything all at once. If I see you in the cafeteria, I will invade your personal space with an intrusive hug; I will spit out my newest revelation ("Oh my gosh, so the craziest thing just happened..."), and I will pepper you with questions. I can pack a normal conversation into a third of the time. 

    I am buzzing.

    I don't know why I've felt so everywhere lately. Perhaps I feel compelled to speak quickly because I have so much on the go. Perhaps I'm compounding things so I can interact with as many people as possible. I just want to slow down. Breathe. Relax. Do some fucking homework and enjoy it.

    I tried to be better today, I really did. I tried to not run my mouth. But then I saw Dillon from class and he had to be updated on the scenario I told him about last time. And then I saw Kaeli and she asked what was new. And I saw that one guy from that time and the guy I thought was another person I met and this girl that comes in the restaurant and what's-his-name from philosophy and akasjfklajsflkajsflkajsflkhdkfhasjvdnciosdw.

    I need to calm down.



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  • september 23.

    by Fallen Leaves on September 24, 2014

    I have so many thoughts & feelings moving through me. They weave in and out of my mind with seamlessness, leaving behind tiny trails. "You've got so much going for you" squirms in my head, only to be chased away with the much darker "You are a tiny drop in a vast ocean, and you will never be good enough." The paths that are carved are crossed over, back and forth and back and forth. Teeny, tiny squiggles whisper, "She's so much prettier than you" and "How dare you think that about yourself, you arrogant son of a bitch." Everything is jumbled together, tangled, intersecting. You could never follow a path all the way through.

    It alarms me how little I think. I don't take the time to ponder: What do I want to be? What do I need to work on? How did this influence me? What is important? What do I think of this? It's such a trainwreck up there that it is far easier to just go up and talk to someone - anyone - so I don't have to be alone with myself. I don't know what's going on up there, and I don't know if I want to find out. I feel like I am throwing out dozens of ropes into a congregation of people; I reel them in, grip their face firmly in my hands, force eye contact, and demand, "Are you what makes sense to me? Do you get it?!" 

    I want to connect. I really do. 

    I can't keep my own secrets. I can't sit down without running my mouth. I want to be able to converse with someone and not volunteer ridiculous stories or personal dramas. I want to be private. I want to calm the fuck down.

    "You're the craziest girl I've ever met," one of my friends laughed.
    "Oh, Fallen? Yeah, she's a barrel of fun," another joked.
    "You're probably the most ridiculous person I know," someone said.

    Oh, to be a wallflower. Oh, to not be so desperate for a human connection. Oh, to be okay with a moment of quiet.



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  • If you are, or if you do...

    by Queen Anarchy on September 23, 2014

    If you drink... just dont drive drunk,

    If you party a lot... tell me your best stories about it,

    If you smoke.... i dont mind,

    If you have depression... it's okay i do too :)

    If you are a little overweight... you can lose it easily,

    If you do drugs.... that is none of my buisness, 

    If you are gay.... you are FABULOUS,

     

    I'm not one to judge people, and i can't stand judgemental people :3



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