by elderflower on August 07, 2014
It's funny how I have been hooked to this song from the moment I heard it. A year ago. Without even realising the lyrics to it, I just love the beat to it. It evokes extreme emotions from deep within and often brings tears which were supressed many a times. Relating to another area of my life at the time.
It is also funny how i can only release and express emotional sufferings, inklings, thoughts and reflexions, through the median of music, which evokes and aids the inner self, expels the emotionally suffocated soul, where it's voice can be heard, it's deepest, most truthful feelings to the world, can be disclosed.
Tonight, a year later, I looked up the lyrics and it is an apt description to the situation I just lived through.
I was entangled in a destructive relationship for almost two years. It was filled with passion, fun, lies, deceit and a whirlpool of emotions. I tried to end it almost monthly, yet we got back together again and again. The act of staying together was easier than the act of seperating, as it involved alot of emotional stress, physical fatigue and mental space, for me.
After two years I left. However, neither of us could let go. We kept in touch / long distance for almost six months, and reunited once more, continuing the long distance effect. Six months further, we moved in together. Two months later, I left once more. Now I am experiencing the lyrics of this song. Which I believe that this was initially suffered by the other a year ago, when I initially departed.
There is no trust in the relationship. No communication. One often wondered what the other was doing, messages sufficed not in answering the much sought questions, fuelled by insecurites and anxieties of the heart, stemmed from substance abuse. Yet one was too scared to question the other in person, lest it led to the unwanted reality; lies, deceit, betrayal, cheat, the hurt and pain which followed suit. One chose to live in the world of lies, to escape into the world of denial. Pretending all is fine.
Funny how the heart can be deceiving.. more than just a couple of times..
why do we fall in love so easy.. even when it's not right..
As time went on, the fights turned into verbal abuse, into violent physical aggression, to spiteful words coupled with extreme anger, frustration, and finally, hatred.
Just like the video of the this song. It depicts exactly the physical and emotional scenes suffered. So close physically, let so painful being together..
So the leaver, often takes a break from the fight, desperatley hoping for some peace and normality to be restored. Yet when away from each other, the other would feel extremely lonely and badly needed the other to come back.
Once back in each other's space, this viscious cycle of violence, aggression, betrayal, cheating, deceits, lies, hatred, anger, contempt, spite, would all return.
Where was the love?
Love turned into hate. The flame which one was so passionate, has turned into hatred, a hatred that burns, so vividly. One was too broken and damaged when the leaver left for the first time.
Both have thorns, pierced too deeply in the hearts, even love cannot detox such a toxic relationship. Perhaps time?
We are soulmates, and woundmates at the same time. Love and contempt bred on the battle grounds.
Today, a year later, I forgave us both. I have no more anger, hatred. Just sadness. Sad how the other has turned into the me, one year ago.
The other, is one year behind, still suffers what I went through. I know not, whether anger will really leave, if love will be awaken again, in the purest form. I hope peace, love and sweetness will befall the other one day, when real issues such as childhood trauma, and affairs of the psyche such as borderline, have been confronted and dealt with, so no more escaping into the land of denial, no more taking out all personal issues relative to the psyche, onto the relationship, no more harming oneself, no more harming the other. I really hope the soul that was long buried away, can be let free, once again.
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Now, both have to really let go, both running in different directions, as fast and as far away as we can, just like in the video.. this won't kill us, it doesn't mean we are going to die.. just.. gotta get up and try, try, try..