Recent Journal Entries

  • Horror Sto-I mean Life

    by PadNalCelestia on April 22, 2014

    I've been writing a little story of my life on Word. I finished it two days ago. I read through it all and was like, whoa. I got bullied that much? I started cutting that long ago? Was that really what happened?

    Why am I asking questions about my own life? Because I'm pretty shocked at it. You know when you hear those things on the news, or read those stories on the internet, or whatever, where there's a girl who was fine for the first 12 or so years of her life, and then everything fell apart? How she got bullied because she was that tiny bit different? How she moved to try and run away from her past, but now it's all coming back?

    Now that I think about it, my life is probably going to end up more like a horror story than a happily ever after.

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  • sad

    by RosesAtSunset on April 21, 2014

    he looked old and sad.

    i remember how vibrant he was when i first met him. he was old then too, but he youthfully carried himself.

    his voice used to crackle in the air and his laugh would spring freely.

    now, his brown eyes dully, yet desperately, conveyed the melancholy that had sunk through his mind.

    i told him i didn't care. i told him to see a therapist. "you hurt me too much," i said, "you can't nuke somebody and expect there to be anything left to care with for at least 50 years."

    let people reap what they have sown,

    and let those that leave never come home. 

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  • april 20.

    by Fallen Leaves on April 20, 2014

    I am afraid that I'm not as clever as I thought. I am absolutely terrified, because I'm realizing that maybe he had control the whole time. That maybe our balanced relationship was concisely constructed by him, that he pretended to be weak or afraid sometimes so I would feel like we were standing on equal ground.

    I made a comment tonight, joking that he wasn't as suave as he thinks he is. He digressed.

    On our first date, I didn't even want to go. I was exhausted from - I kid you not - going on too many dates. I was tired of movie theatres and bars and first kisses and text messages the day after. The weekend I met him, I was busy promising myself to take some time off from boys to relax. 

    I liked that neither of us knew if it was really a date. I liked that he was sheepish enough to not insist on paying for my movie ticket, and I liked that he wasn't making an obvious effort to woo me. I liked that he laughed when I made silly jokes through the whole movie, and I liked that he didn't slowly creep his hand towards mine but seized it.

    I liked that when we went for coffee afterwards, he ran his thumb along the top of my hand. I told him right then that there wasn't much point in trying to pursue me because I was everywhere all at once and didn't feel much like focusing my attention. "You seem great," I said, "and that's why you should probably stay away from me. I'm very manipulative." He laughed.

    I'm scared because it seemed like we had really met our match. He was confident but considerate, smart and thoughtful, masculine with sensitive softness tracing the edge of his smile. He told me he was grateful that he had met me, because I was assertive and stubborn and challenged him. I never told him, but I was grateful that he didn't grovel at my feet like the rest of the guys I went on dates with, that he didn't reduce himself to a meagre beggar all too willing to please me.

    I am scared because he and I used to laugh and tease one another about who really had the control in the relationship, about who was more emotionally attached, about who was 'winning'. 

    He likes to kiss my forehead softly, and then trace his lips down to kiss my nose. He will either pull back to look at my bashful smile, or he will brush his lips down to kiss mine. Whenever I start to act mighty and proud, he can kiss  my nose and it will make me smile enough that I give up on my argument and surrender to fuzzy happiness.

    He and his best friend took me longboarding for my first time. "She's good, man! What a natural!" his friend said. He tried not to be too blatant about it, he tried to keep it under the surface, but I could see how proud he was.

    On my birthday, he gave me a leather-bound notebook and told me it should help me write. He got me a silly card with a horrible pun because, quite frankly, our sense of humour is too similar and he knew I would find it hilarious. I did.

    I'm terrified because I so obviously don't have as much control as I first assumed. "I'm moving for the summer for work," he told me. "I don't think there's any point in us seeing each other anymore, if you're going to move for school in the fall."

    I may not be moving for school in the fall. It is completely in my power to stay at the university here and not uproot my life. He knows this. He knows I don't want to move another 2000 kilometers away from home. "I might not even be going. You know that." 

    "I know," he said, "but I just don't think I can handle a relationship where I can't see my significant other all the time. Every second weekend just won't work. I will lose all romantic feeling."

    That fast?

    "You know I won't cut you out of my life. You're one of my best friends. Besides, I hope you can still come to the lake with me every once in a while. I still want to see you," he told me.

    I don't understand.

    He was so gentle with me when I got upset. He stayed the night and didn't complain when I woke him up every thirty minutes to tug back my share of the blankets or to wrap his arm around my waist so I could rest my head on his chest.

    "I'm scared," I said.

    He quietly said, so shyly, "Me too."

    I just don't understand.

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  • Do You Ever Wonder

    by NomadMonad on April 19, 2014

    ...about the mysterious commenters and posters here @ Song Meanings who turn out to have only one journal post and never return again?

    Are they real ?  - or are they just created to drive up the web traffic...

    Or are they simply people with very short attention spans who entered our atmosphere and then burned out quickly like  small asteroids.

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  • Bandcamp conversation

    by Loremipsum on April 16, 2014

    Hey there,

    Anyone who has some artists from Bandcamp to recommend is welcome in my subthread labeled 'Bandcamp'. It can be found in the Forum for 'The Indies'. There's only one condition: that you are open for new music and respect other tastes. You are all welcome!!

    Cheers, Lorem Ipsum

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  • life isn't fair

    by DeathAngel117 on April 16, 2014

    You told me that it was forever, and that you would never leave.

    but with a prson like you i was a fool to believe.

    you said you loved me, so i stayed.

    but you hurt me, and i feel beetrayd.

    but life is never fair, is what im told.

    but all these lies are getting way to old.

    your the reason i tried to stop self-harm,

    but now i have more lines on my arm.

    you said you only stayd because you felt sorry for me,

    and you couldn't be with someone with scars under their sleeves.

    if thats the case, then just go.

    because i really cared, but now im all alone.

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  • hello

    by DeathAngel117 on April 15, 2014

    Hello, i am a fifteen year old misfit, and i cry myself to sleep.

    i starve myself dayly, but you will never see me weap.

    when all you see is smiles, im dying deep inside.

    the blood ive shed at night, rusn a mile wide.

    you say its just for fun, she doesnt care.

    but if you push to far, i will snap, so beware.

    im bleeding and ive lost the will to stay alive

    but i know that this isn't my last "goodbye"

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  • April 13.

    by Fallen Leaves on April 14, 2014

    April 14, technically. I have an exam tomorrow that I probably should have invested a little more time studying for. Tomorrow morning I will head to campus and finish reviewing. I have discovered that I enjoy doing quiet, singular things in the presence of many people. There's something truly lovely about reading a book in a cafe or a busy library.

    I don't know if I have anything in particular to write about. On Wednesday night, I went longboarding for the first time. Growing up amongst farmland and gravel roads did not present opportunities for luxuries like roller skating, skateboards, or longboards. It turns out that I'm a bit of a natural.

    Thursday, I wrote an exam and got a paper back (Topic: Gender & Anorexia). I got an A on my paper, and was instantly put in an excellent mood. I worked immediately afterward and then went to the gym with my boyfriend. We were bored after the gym, so we decided to drag mine and my roommate's mattresses and blankets into the kitchen. We made a ridiculous blanket fort. 

    On Friday I worked an eight hour shift and then hung around by myself in the fort. Nothing says maturity like having a no-pants party in a blanket fort in your kitchen, eating pizza and reading books. A friend of mine came over and she joined my roommate and I for a sleepover.

    Saturday was less exciting. I went for brunch with those friends and then napped. I tried to formulate a plan for my evening (I was going to go to the bar with a friend to see some band play) but I decided to spend a night in, reading a book called Female Chauvinist Pigs. I got hooked and finished it today (Sunday). Its basic premise is that females are contributing to their own objectification by aspiring to be like men, yet instead of recognizing the negative implications of their actions, they call it empowering feminism.

    Although there were things I disagreed with in the book, I found that, on the whole, I understood entirely. Pole dancing lessons, homemade pornography, meaningless sexual encounters, and waxed vaginas do not equate to widespread liberation of female sexuality. These ventures may be entertaining and it may feel liberating to openly express sexuality, but it is not empowerment in a true feminist sense. The sexuality expressed is still, for the most part, the male conception of what female sexuality should be for the man's gain. Sexuality is great, and it should be enjoyed, but I don't know if I understand this as women experiencing sexual enjoyment themselves or enjoying the attention of the men that enjoy their exhibitions.

    If that makes sense.

    It probably doesn't.

    I should study for philosophy.

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  • My mind is rambling

    by Putputty on April 13, 2014

    Sometimes I wonder why people cary so much hatred within themselves, then I remember myself to not act so holy.. Of course I have my angry days, and yes I use foul language too. However I think it is unnesecery to insult someone or hurt them in any way only because they dissagree with your opinion.

    Sigh, stop acting like you know what is the best Putputty..!

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  • My Story life - Episode 1 How It's All Beginned

    by eyal91 on April 11, 2014

    Hey, I found that journal feautre and I decided to discharge all I got by writing my storylife.

    So... Here we go:

    Episode 1: "How It's All Beginned"

    Time: Past.

    Actually, it's never beginned, it always been like that. Knowing that nothing will change for good. Then it's happening, and when you think you was wrong, the life shows you that you were right.

    Well, the start point I decided to take is my love story with my ex-girlfriend. It's just saying a lot about my life. It's explain so well how things in my life can't go well.

    So, it wasn't a love at first sight. Actually, I don't believe in it. How can you love someone without knowing him? Well, once we hated each other. She was fed at stories by one what I fighted with. So she behaved nasty with me. So how did I got in love? Dunno, actually. Just my relation with her as friends was becoming better and better. Then one day I discovered what I'm in-love. So, I was hinting that a few days, my friends told me to forget about it, but meh, love, it can make you doing things you never wanted to.

    So, that day came, "I love you", just a little text-message to start it. She told me she too, but nothing can happen because of her parents (her family is very religion).

    It been like that so much time. We acted as friends at text-messages. And late-night calls. But we wasn't been together. I remember myself freaking out after her messages "I love you", "You're so cute", etc. One day she told me that it is ridiculus that we acts like a couple but we don't say what we are. So yeah, we been together, one day after her father caught our messages. That was the end.

    Well. after it's all over I discovered that what she told about her parents was just an excuse to say "no". Because she didn't wanted to harm me. And I'm saying HELL COULDN'T YOU JUST TELL ME AND SAVING ME FROM THIS MESS?

    Well, those are girls. They're just like to play with our hearts.

    Well, it ain't all, but it's enough for one day.

    Next episode: Introduction.

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  • rise

    by DeathAngel117 on April 10, 2014 He was the boy, who sat all alone.  he was the one with the name unknown. he is the one who cries at night. the boy who harms himself when he's out of sight. as the burning tears fall from his face, he thinks to himself "i am so out of place."   there is a girl, just like him, with deep lines all over her skin. she goes home to a family, not there. she wants to end it, 'cuz nobody cares. with the weapon in her hand she bleeds, making her further roll down her sleeves.   one day they met, and talked for hours, running threw a field of beautiful flowers. the boy tripped and she saw his arm, he looked away when she said "i also self-harm" two years later, they ran away together. they love eachother, now and forever.    

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  • April 6.

    by Fallen Leaves on April 07, 2014

    It was my sister's birthday today. I haven't had more than one actual conversation with her since Christmas. It's not like we are fighting or anything. It's just the way it is.

    About a month ago, I realized how many times in my life I convinced myself that someone was important. Whether it be a friend or a crush or a boyfriend, I would think, "They matter. They help me keep going. They make my heart smile and I can't ever imagine what could come between us. I can't imagine not telling them everything." And then I realized how many times that has stayed true.

    Probably twice, and only twice. I haven't seen my one friend since Christmas. I saw the other just this weekend for the first time since Christmas, too. We have talked only a handful of times in the past three months. He's too busy. I'm too busy. I don't have the time to remember to put energy into my relationships. Nor does he. Nothing bad goes on between us. We just forget.

    I am constantly in limbo. Right now, I'm so upset I'm even wishing I was back in high school. At least then, I was looking forward to a solution. The key to all my problems would be moving away. All of the negative aspects of my life could be brushed off as living in a small town, isolated and lonely. My anger could be turned into hope as I could see university in my near future. Now, though, I don't have a direction. I don't have any concise hope. Everything is so temporary and frustrating. I'm in a state of nothing.

    My relationships are characterized by brief windows of intensity, then distance and eventually nothingness. I have no real roots. Nowhere to be.

    I miss my friends so much, but I will never be able to be with them. Because I will live 3000 kilometers away and they will go wherever they choose. 

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  • When did songmeanings start blasting all the ads?

    by Oh Injury! on April 05, 2014

    It sucks. Hate this website now. What a shame.

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  • supernova vs asteroid

    by RosesAtSunset on April 05, 2014

    i was 13 years old when i asked mindy, my grumpy summer camp counsellor, why rob, another grumpy camp counsellor, wouldn't hug me. mindy was in her first year of university. she was too skinny, with a perpetually sullen face and brown hair framed by choppy bangs that oppressively covered her muddy, blue eyes. rob was a few years older than mindy. he was strange-looking. like mindy, he was too skinny, but he had almost translucent skin and sunken, dark eyes. his hair was buzzed short and his back had a permanent slouch. 

    but, i didn't want to hug him because i liked him. i wanted to hug him because he told us all a story about a time when he was depressed and how jesus was there for him the whole time. i was just starting to realize that i was unhappy, with nobody to talk to about it, and i wanted to hug him and ask him if jesus would be there for me too. but when i tried to hug him, he pushed me away with a look of disdain.

    so, sitting at the the picnic table outside later in the afternoon, in a nonchalant yet quivering voice, i asked mindy, "why doesn't rob let me hug him?" 

    she said, looking uncomfortable, "rob doesn't really like hugs."

    i asked again, with a more pronounced quiver, "but why does he always agree to hug jemma?"

    jemma was beautiful, far more beautiful than any 13 year old should have been. she had long, shining blond hair and sharp, blue eyes. with those striking features coupled with a body that could have easily passed for 16, it made sense that he would hug her and not me. she was really charming too; she always knew what to say.

    me, well, i was just barely starting to come out of my ugly duckling phase, awkward maturity showing on my face and body. my black, curly hair was just starting to grow long enough so that the weight of the hair kept it from being too frizzy, but the humidity that summer pretty much negated that. i had the same big, brown eyes and the same scrunched-nose smile that i do now. but at 13, my body was too skinny in some places and too wobbly in others. i was too honest. sometimes i was funny but mostly my thoughts were not what people wanted to hear. it made sense that rob would hug jemma and not me.

    i could tell mindy knew this. she had to know. she looked so uncomfortable.

    "i don't know," she said, looking away and pursing her lips as the truth wrinkled her forehead. her thin, stupid eyebrows were being pushed together by her consternation. she knew. 

    "but aren't you friends? couldn't you ask him?" i pressed, knowing i should respect social rules and let it go. mindy didn't want to talk about it. mindy didn't care if it hurt my feelings. it wasn't right that it hurt my feelings.

    rob wanted to hug jemma and not me because i wasn't special like she was. she had something glowing, fiery, about her that everyone reveled in.

    she was a distraction; a fantasy; an escape.

    i was a reminder of mediocrity; a fact of life; an underconstruction sign.

    mindy pretended not to hear me and looked away suddenly, as though surprised by something. i looked to see what she was looking at and i saw a few boys my age playing soccer. when i turned back, mindy was pretending to be deep in conversation with another counsellor possessing a sneer engraved on her face, daring anyone to cross her.

    quietly sighing, drowning in newfound teenage ennui, i turned around again to watch the boys play soccer. some of them had their shirts off. their boyish muscles flexed and shone in the hot sun, but they didn't care about the sun or if i noticed their muscles. jemma was sitting with her legs stretched out on the grass near the boys, with a group of girls caught in her orbit. the boys glanced up at her often and she smiled easily, letting the sun make her hair more blonde and her skin more golden. 

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  • What??

    by briannawitt55 on April 03, 2014

    today has been SOSOSO BORING

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  • my bf broke up with me

    by DeathAngel117 on April 03, 2014

    well i woke up today at seven in  the am, and i looked at my phone it said its over. thats all so i asked why, he said its someone else. now at twelve in the pm and he is asking for me back. im so confused, i told him id have to think...wel what you guys think...

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  • i looked up and the stars were different

    by RosesAtSunset on March 31, 2014

    my obsession is now someone else's obsession. someone else is looking up and seeing what i used to see. celestial spikes of light that gave us life. and here i am, trying to stop buying 3ds games that i barely have the time to play. i just bought bravely default on amazon and i worry my parents are going to be suspicious about how i got the money. i've been spending a lot lately. each receipt is a bandage and, instead of peeling them off to inspect the damage, i keep trying to seal the leak.

    my dog is leaning forward watching me eat dinner. his big brown eyes are pleading with me and his little snout is smelling the air hungrily. he's a cute, little, chubby thing. now that the weather has slightly improved i'm trying to take him for longer walks. and we walk, with his tail wagging and his tongue lolling out happily as he pants and takes in the fresh, cold air of early spring. in the present, he got bored of watching me eat and left to go see if anyone else in the house was eating anything.

    i spend a lot of time thinking about my dog and the stars.

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  • im scared

    by DeathAngel117 on March 31, 2014

    anyone know about the plane that disapeard? my dads going on a plane to alreade scared of planes but now..what if he doesnt come back?.. i dont want to go back to the foster homes...

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  • Night's Deora

    by lizzy10207 on March 28, 2014

    My friend and I created this band last year. we've got so much music i think that we're definenly a band. we're heavy metal.

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