by Fallen Leaves on November 06, 2014
And I come to SongMeanings once more, with an itch in my fingers and exhaustion in my bones. Adam and I went to go on a date yesterday (thrifting for ugly sweaters then a crossword at a coffee shop, because adorable) and I linked my arm with his. He pulled away. I looked at him laughingly, quizically. "What's wrong?" He grimaced. "All the bad things..." I think my response was a quivering, "...o...kay...."
"I'm struggling," he said. We went to his car to talk about it, then went to my dorm room and sat on my single mattress.
"It was just so soon after my last relationship. I wasn't looking for anything serious when I met you. You know that. But you were so wonderful and amazing that I couldn't help myself. And for the past few nights, I've been lying away thinking about how I can't do this. How it isn't fair to you if my heart isn't completely in it. I need to work on myself and figure things out for me before I can be in a relationship."
Another quaky nod.
"You're the perfect person at the absolute worst time. I want to be with you, I do. Everything's there - we get along so well, we're beyond compatible, I'm extremely sexually attracted to you, you're so much smarter than everyone - but timing isn't. I'm just not ready."
We laid in my bed, crying in silence. My makeup smeared onto his green t-shirt. He started to get agitated, fists clenched and pounding against his leg. I grabbed his closed hand and worked my fingers into them. "Relax," I told him quietly, "You're going to be okay." He started to cry harder. He told me things about his family and things about his dad, which I knew about (but he never really elaborted on). He told me he didn't know who he was yet. "I always do this! I have the best intentions and want nothing but to make people happy, but I hurt everyone instead." While he cried and talked, I pulled him into my chest and gently ran my fingers through his hair. I clucked soft responses. Soothing. "How did this end up being my therapy session?" he asked, voice irate. "It doesn't matter. If this is what you need, then I want to listen," I told him.
We kept switching back and forth, each of us venting our own personal struggles, most of them irrelevant to romantic relationships. "I don't think people know how lonely I am here sometimes. It's hard for me to be here. I miss my family."
After work, three of my friends came over. One played the reality card, the other offered relentless insults to his personal character, the other kept things cheery. When they left, I sent Adam the obligatory ex-girlfriend text. "I just want you to know that I don't hate you, and I won't hate you. You're doing the right thing. I am grateful for your honesty. I wish circumstances were different, but they're not. Work on yourself for a while."
This morning we chatted briefly over text. "I know you didn't mean to hurt me and that your intention was not to use me. But it's painful knowing I was a rebound and now you're coming down from it being new and exciting, and you're backing out."
Thankfully, this break-up won't be as traumatizing as the last. I have friends now. I'm stupidly busy (school, work, three sports, friend stuff). I can stay distracted. I will be okay. It's just frustrating that, again, my partner wasn't emotionally capable. Even though it isn't "my fault" and has "nothing to do with me", I'm the one that comes out worse for wear. And now I have to go through a shitty mourning period of drinking a lot and hitting on boys and throwing myself into other things, when all I really want is to curl up and watch the Disney movies he told me we would.
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