Recent Journal Entries

  • forays in modern dating or how i'd rather climb trees

    by RosesAtSunset on May 24, 2015

    "what are you saying without words?" he breathed as our faces were inches apart

    "what do you think i'm saying without saying?" i smiled coyly, tightly pushing down the cork in my heart

    "that you're not taking this seriously, at least not like i am - but it's okay, well, i don't mind," he smiled back, but his anxiety leaked out in his eyes despite his best efforts

    "you are mistaken," i said with the phlegm in my throat cutting my credibility

    "oh am i?" he asked rhetorically with that stupid, little, lopsided smirk reappearing on his (though i hate to admit it) handsome face

    "yes," i said primly as i left the room to segway into another conversation topic as this one was getting too close to the truth

    i never told him what i was really saying without saying but i'll tell you:
    i am manic and you are everything, your eyes smile body soul make my heart burst open like a cheap bottle of so-called champagne and i would do anything for you to feel the same way but i know that you could never even come close and i'm tired of playing it cool but i can't because thems the breaks when you want to date someone who cares so much about what other people think and the way that things are supposedly meant to be carried out in today's convoluted dating structure so i'll play along for a while longer while i hope that you're the bluebird i've been waiting for

    i'm glad i never told him because he turned out to be a waste of time. he thought he could lead me on and that i wouldn't leave because i was too attached. he was mistaken (he usually was). he might have burned me, but i hope you didn't forget that my name is ash. and now he's all salty because i don't want to be his friend, but like j. cole said,

    "i had you 
    but you can't have me 
    i never stay"



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  • The Hippie Kitsch Colouring Book is Now Available

    by candyhippie on May 19, 2015

    Hey guys and gals, I've been gone a while because I've been working hard, drawing pages without releasing them as I go. Today I finally compiled my drawings into a printable coloring book, blaring the Nightwish Live at Wacken Open Air 2013 concert all the while. I probably would have been finished a bit earlier if I hadn't listened to it -- there are so many parts I just have to flip back to YouTube to watch because listening isn't enough. But hey, no biggie. This is the beauty of working at home.

    About half of the ten Hippie Kitsch pages are as-yet unreleased, including a lovely decorated guitar, so take a look! Hippie Kitsch by Candy Hippie.

    I'm dead tired but I'm also already planning the next two books. I just got a pack of really good Staedtler inking pens, so expect the next book to be even better than this one.

    Woohoo!



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  • this is your eviction notice: you must vacate my mind in 30 days or less

    by RosesAtSunset on May 18, 2015

    today was a good day 
    green grass tickling my back and
    bright tulips blooming a few feet away

    i shift restly
    between the damp cool shade
    and the shining hot sun

    elizabeth didn't get on the plane today
    and it was sad
    but not how it was supposed to be sad



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  • waking up with the lights on

    by serenity23 on May 12, 2015

    I wake up feeling terrified and alone, and the second part is undebatable which makes me accept the first. Terrified. Why? Because I am a writer who doesn't write. i'm a friend who doesnt show. Im a dealer of illness, i am ill, i am ill and im alone and its dark and im scared. I havent ever gotten this far nefore. I know i can turn back, i have to turn back. "You'll be sick" the voice hisses at me. "You need these pills. You'll be in pain". But a few days ago i let someone stick a needle in my arm, and it is only in putting that sentence in words that brings it to life, colors it dark, not an ordinary day. And the saddest part of all i think is that if i hadnt already learned that no one will ever save you, that i could get away with shooting up heroin probably 30 more times before someone would even say something...thats the part that scares me the most. This is your world now go fucking live in it. Pain. Pain casued by degenerated discs and not eating right and doing lots of drugs and hiding like a vampire going only to the chiropractor so i can beg fro tramadol, which i cant even get. I stayed up all night so i wouldnt miss the appointment. I didn't used to need sleep. Now I find myself drifting off waking up from dreams that still seem real. I feel like something bad is about to happen. Mark. Why do you do that? Why do you dip and dash through the pages of my life and we never ever meet so i cant tell if youre reading along or if its all some big sick game. You scare me. You HURT me. I want to scream. it makes no difference. I am utterly and permanently alone. Everytime i try to connect, it gets spit in my face. my faith in the world is at an all time low. and i dont have enough of a place outside it or in it or anywhere not to feel affected. Brian doesnt answer. I am in danger and brian doesnt answer. Is this my life? Am I really signing up for another year of this waste, this recklessness? I suppose I am. Brittany is good at life though. Maybe she can help me, but I sense that I am stronger. Dark overpowers. We can't see clearly to choose and if you never choose inevitably the choice will be made for you. I dont want to hurt her. I dont want to hurt anyone. but hurt people hurt people. i dont know how to take all the pain and turn it into something external that is good, so i swallow it in gulps of sadness, a martyr for nothing and no one, selfishness defined. I am not a good person. I am not extraordinary. I am not immune. I am a drug addict. I am a junkie. I am stuffy and crying and my boyfriend is too busy to call me. i have to move out of my apartment in 12 days. I will be away for 4 of them. I am scared it wont get done. i am scared that it will and brian will hate me. I am lost and no one cares. no one ever fucking cares. thats all im asking for, why is that too much??? Maybe it will be better at kinnection. Ill meet up with Brian, do some k, clear my head and my system out all at once. the scripts will help. I can bring a chair. I can be in pain. I can disappear into the world i used to feel safe in that i realize now is just the real world dressed up in pretty colors with music and some people who are exceptional and some who are sicker than me and this is how we create an identity that disguises it, makes it unrepellent. I have a line of dope left i dont know what to do with. i should save for tomorrow but brian wont talk to me and im scared. and i should get it out of my life. fuck this. i cant write anymore. it used to be beautiful but now my emotions are uncontrollable waves of panic that drown everyone close by which is a good excuse to keep them away. I want to disappear. I havent felt like this in a really long time. Yes, do the heroin. then it will be gone. then no more. 



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  • i would rather

    by RosesAtSunset on May 09, 2015

    let the black teeth of doubt and regret chew thru my core
    than hold my breath
    for a dove that turned out to be
    papier-maché waved around on a stick

    so let the wind sing thru the gaps in the windows of my car
    as his residual silhouette traces a heart in the spring fog
    i will dream of my best friends on beaches afar
    as i savour the city smog

    i asked him to take me gently
    instead he took me lightly



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  • Achievement Unlocked!

    by candyhippie on May 09, 2015

    I just wrote a new entry, clicked the "Add Entry" button, and was brought back to my main journal page... with no new entry. What's going on? Now I have to write it out all over again.

    Anyway. I've been listening to a lot of Florence + the Machine lately, which brings out my inner flower child hugely, so I wound up making a metric butt-tonne of new flower mandalas to color, enough for a 12-page coloring book. I've always wanted to make books, though I had no idea my first book would be an adult coloring book. I thought myself more wordy. Here's a link to the coloring book. If I put on Ceremonials again I could probably get another whole book out of it.



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  • In The Name Of Devil

    by Dr.aM on May 09, 2015

    This fuCking Days I just Fucking Think About Fucking Stupidity

    Stupidity...The Greatest Sin in the Satanism

    Peoples are FUcking stupids and its suffering Me

    Now I..thaT Fucking stupid..I am Writing this shits

    I Just want to Say I Should first Fuck My self Then...

    Now...Listen to Black



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  • Give your entry a title

    by CleanLaundry on May 07, 2015

    it just feels like an endless day, it's endless and I just want to fuck off and die. it comes over me at the most random of times. ordering cold coffee and the barista wants me to flirt back. her mouth is stained with orange juice. I want to tell her I'm good as dead. I manage to shake it off but it happens again, not even an hour later when I'm sitting in the stairwell, my nose running, feeling my heart pulse in my teeth and I know I need to talk to someone but there's so much risk assessment. I'm missing some sort of vital clotting mechanism normal people were born with to equip them to handle their emotions.

    I wanted to text my friend "do you ever feel as good as dead?" but then I realized she's currently in the class I'm skipping. I realize that before I realize that you're not really supposed to say things like that without any foreplay. 



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  • Entry 3: Your go to music

    by sokorny on May 07, 2015

    So it has reached that time of day again!

    Listening to just your iPod on random isn't satisfying, or the radio station has driven you insane. Time to bring out your "go to" music. This is the music that no matter your mood or circumstances always is a joy to listen to, and give you that pick me up you need.

    For some this may be certain songs (perhaps a playlist), others perhaps a particular artist, and for others maybe a certain album.

    Personally my "go to" artist is Dream Theater. I can listen to almost any of their songs or albums and it takes me away to my special little soft 'n furry place!

    I also find Mastodon's Crack the Skye album and Machine Head's Blackening or Burn My Eyes albums always let me escape the hassles of whatever is clouding my mind "like peanut butter on the brain".

    Of course I love a lot of other albums, but I tend to need to be in the mood for those ... these few albums and artists, no matter my mood they always give me just what I need, when I need it.

    So do YOU have "go to" music?

    Perhaps you've created a playlist (I use smart playlists in iTunes lots)? Or an artist? Or an album(s) or even a particular song?

    Don't be shy to share!



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  • Entry 2: Finding a new band by surprise

    by sokorny on May 05, 2015

    Today I had the joy of discovering a new band whose sound I am really digging, and even better they are nearby.

    I didn't go out looking for a new band, they just sort of come up in my searching. I think that is the best way to fixnd bands some times ... organically. How do you find new bands?

    Radio isn't an option for me, as my genres get few if any air time. Some of the music channels on TV can give me a heads up, e.g. August Burns Red were a recent one I discovered off the box. But they tend to be few and far between. I tend to find review sites, such as Sputnik are my best bet or friends with similar music preferences.

    Being a father to 3 I don't tend to get too many local gigs anymore, and most the acts aren't that impressive (especially in a studio setting).

    Today though I just clicked on a random band that is based nearby, checked out their album stream on bandcamp and got into their sound. The band by the way is Bayou. They play southern / sludge metal and they love their riffs.

    Out!



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  • Entry 1: The music

    by sokorny on May 04, 2015

    I thought I’d start a ‘musical’ journal as it were. Feel free to comment, give me advice, make recommendations or simply tell me to go tell someone who cares.

    So the first question, in relation to music, that came into my mind today was:

    Does the music you listen to relate to your emotions at the time or the events that prevailed your day?

    Personally I find that sometimes the lyrical content of songs isn’t as important as the genre / style / sound of the music that are reflective of my moods. For example, at the moment I am listening to Obscure Sphinx.  Their lyrical themes tend to focus on depression, but I am feeling quite happy and content now. However, I need a little energy pick me up after lunch and their harshness mixed with symphonic metal is just what I felt like. I tend to find that a lot of the time; it is the sound of music that may “speak” more to my current state of emotions than the actual lyrics.

    So what music will I listen to after Obscure Sphinx? Good question. I’ll still be at work for a few more hours … I might have to put my playlist on random until something grabs my interest. Any thoughts on your best songs to get through some Mondayitis?



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  • sat may 2 5:28 pm

    by bcrxing on May 02, 2015

    why am i so good at pushing you away?



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  • Mandalas and... MSI?

    by candyhippie on April 29, 2015

    I think I might be kinda weird.  I work out to Mindless Self Indulgence, which makes sense because they're exploding with endless energy to use. But then I also just learned to digitally design mandalas for coloring while listening to MSI as well. I've been blaring this epically iconoclastic, crazy "pussypunk" band while creating art intended to soothe, calm and relax.

    Somehow, it works for me. And I've already done 6! At this rate I'll have enough for a coloring book soon. Here they are!



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  • Wed Apr 29 7:41AM

    by bcrxing on April 29, 2015

    So close to the finish and all i feel is confliction. i want to go running for the hills and  i want to cling to you. how am i here? how did i get here? what decisions landed me in this place? why do you still hold my heart in your hand? i wonder if you even think about me? even in passing? even for the slighest second by accident? i've been doing great all on my own. i know how to take care of myself, by myself, for myself. i keep moving forward but theres always this tiny little snag and it annoys the hell out of me. how am i still caring about what you think of me, what youre doing without me? i can remember everything about you. the feel of your skin, what it feels like in your arms, the way you would say my name, say i love you. now im caught up in these stupid torrid affairs that are over before they even start. i miss our intamcy. i miss the mornings spent in bed and the showers and getting stoned and eating through the whole kitchen. but then i remind myself of the fighting. your priorities. our differences. they seemed so big but were they? i guess i'll never know. i just really wonder what youre doing all the time. whos hand youre holding. are we ever in the same town at the same time? remember when we could feel the others presence, or so we claimed. i miss the comfort, how we could be in the same house not even the same room or near each other or talking or anything and just feel completely whole. you ruined me. 



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  • Give your entry a title

    by urbanparks on April 27, 2015

    I ended up at the local library. Crying. In a couch, reading a book of poems called Anxiety.

    I'm not sure I can handle this anymore. This life of misery of anxiety of having almost never been touched. Never held a hand. Maybe once for a second 4 years ago. 

    I have so many things I have to do in order to survive this life.

    I just want someone to hold me.

    I don't wanna get on the bus now

    Pack all my stuff 

    and put in this new room of mine



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  • Creating Coloring Pages to Nightwish

    by candyhippie on April 25, 2015

    (How cool is it that this site has a journal function! I didn't even realize when I signed up that I'd get a nifty little journal. Nice and simple.)

    So I've been drawing my coloring pages to Nightwish, almost 100% Nightwish since the Toronto concert. I was a fan long ago, memorized Once, lost track of them (disappointed at the loss of Tarja and didn't like Annette's voice), and then, last month, was blown away by the Endless Forms album and Floor's versatility. I've been a huge fan of Richard Dawkins for years and years, too, so it was such a pleasant surprise to hear him on the album.

    "Endless Forms" is fitting for the nature themed coloring pages I've been drawing lately. Here's my latest, a sun and moon yin yang with lots of leafy greens, flowers and birds.



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  • Strangling Me With Your Love

    by NomadMonad on April 24, 2015

    Defunkt  1983 (untraceable lyrics)

    You are strangling me with your love
    in your hotel room of permanent disorder
    I cry for help – for open air / you close the window and I pass out
    between your walls / in your arms…

    I slept alone for many whole nights
    but one more minute / and I will kill you
    you look at me as if I had no eyes
    but when you touch me / I have no skin

    You made love to a photocopy
    and left the room / in perfect order
    by leaning out of the window
    and traveling / by ambulance

    strangling me with your love…   [X 4]

    You are strangling me with your love
    in your hotel room of permanent disorder
    I cry for help – for open air / you close the window and I pass out
    between your walls / in your arms…
    (chokin’ to death) strangling me with your love…
    (chokin’…) strangling me with your love…
    strangling me with your love…  



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  • just words

    by CleanLaundry on April 22, 2015

    when we were twelve, my friend used to tell me about a black mamba snake he would see around his house while he was still in Africa. he said it was so deadly, there were scarcely any descriptions of it. he told me it might spit venom or bolts of electicity. or ichor. and it hid in the grasses. I ended up adopting it, made it some sort of mascot for my anxiety. I imagined it as being inky black with inch long fangs - " no actually only the inside of its mouth is black,” my friend corrected. “casket shaped head. thick as a child's thigh" it became the shape of any fear I couldn't quite get a handle on.

    right now you're my black mamba, my fucking death serpent. I know, I know. "cliched" you'd say, "you're too starry eyed about life's extended metaphors" you once said. "you just metaphorized” I retorted, happily.

    except now I have a pathological aversion to extended metaphors, especially the black mamba which is ever slithering in and out of my peripherals - the flash of face on public transit, a voice leaking down the hall, teeth marks on my neck. it was 1:45, spring of 2015 and my cell phone is dead and my car is from the year 1984. and I stalled behind the wheel with the heels of my hands digging into my eye sockets trying not to howl.  it should be clear that I have a clouded head. it should be clear that since last spring, my self esteem has been like coagulated turkey gravy.

    I tried to tell someone about these cuffs of paranoia I have, and the someone told me I was being fundamentally egocentric and I had to agree. he said, “get a grip, man. you’re life is outstanding right now. have lexie fuck it out of you” he said I was being a pussy. I think I am. I’ve felt this way before, on airplanes, visiting my brother in prison, on oppressive rainy days.

    I was like this on monday, baked- cookie fresh and I tried to believe in her love, but i’ve got loser dreams with crooked lines of ink flesh wrapped around my wrists.

    that business on the phone yesterday felt like the black mamba. its tail coiled through the windows of my room like an eel through the skull of a cow, quivering impatiently. it came up through my core, something cold and hard, weirdness of serotonin lack, settling, curling on my tongue.“get a fucking grip.”



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  • the butterfly effect

    by RosesAtSunset on April 21, 2015

    you felt the flutter and 
    i felt the seismic spark.

    i asked if you wanted to build a sailboat with me, 
    but you said the weather wasn't good enough, 
    the materials were expensive, 
    and it would be a lot of work. 

    it was a yes or no question. 
    you didn't say yes, 
    so you meant no.

    i said your one-month free trial was over. 
    you said you hate that i'm so straightforward. 

    i lied when i said you split me in two. 
    sorry for the shit talk, baby; i'm blue. 

    ---
    epilogue

    on that last day i said your eyes looked like galaxies

    and you said that was the gayest shit you ever heard



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