Recent Journal Entries

  • I'll Volunteer for it, I Swear to God I Will

    by blueplates on August 19, 2016

    I'm always a little bit too close to something that feels a little bit too much like fear. I go to bed wishing for morning to come quickly, only to be wishing it was night again by mid morning.  I feel guily that the thought of everything I have to do in a day makes my chest feel tight and my throat restict. I feel guilty that I've always had a place to sleep and food to eat, and that I still can't be happy. I feel guilty that I've wasted my therapists time again by whining about my dad. I feel guilty that my mom feels like its her fault I turned out like this. I feel guilty that there are real people suffering from real illnesses and I sit around in a panic because I think every twinge is going to be the thing that finally kills me. I just wish my misery had a little less company. I wish I could be alone without myself for a while. 



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  • Auschwitz

    by Photomatic on August 15, 2016

    Auschwitz

    Selections from the skeletons,
    Picking from the bunch,
    Starvation and infiltration of our thoughts,
    Gaunt, hollow figures of the underachieved,
    Dead beat bodies of those who don't believe,
    Thousands upon thousands led through the same,
    Screams for mercy for the Hell they are enslaved,

    Worked to the bone, worked to the teeth,
    Children and elders will forever sleep,
    Finally when the time strikes, it's your time to go,
    Face the fear of living and death alone,

    Stripped naked of your dignity and pride,
    Led astray to where friends and family have perished and died,
    You await for the switch of the showers to commence,
    The uproar of panic and fear in a devilish sense,

    It fills your lungs, suffocates you whole,
    You begin to sprint to the bolted door,
    Hundreds of others thinking the same thought,
    The gas, it feels as if you're being burnt alive,
    It makes you want to seize, shrivel up and die,

    Sounds of wails as death evolves,
    Their desperation silences as the Huns above see this as just a standard protocol,
    One, ten then fifty drop to the filthy floor,
    Gangling limbs still reaching for the door,

    A final burst of energy as you rush to where you see, one of those Joy Division refugees,
    Used and abused she had been thrown away like the rest,
    She too was clinging onto the fragments of her soul,
    For she and the others knew that their lives were no more,
    Just statistics in a textbook is all they were worth,
    But history remembers that hell on earth for the world's rebirth.



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  • Word Vomit

    by RosesAtSunset on August 04, 2016

    You're drifting off to sleep
    As I'm drifting off to sea
    Dreaming deep below the currents
    As I'm drowning bellowing undercurrents
    Things are not what they seem
    As I tear myself apart at the seam
    I am what you see
    You are what you feel
    Today
    Tomorrow
    Yesterday
    I wrote you every day
    You write me and I fray
    Each day, longer than it may
    You hate my stupid love
    I love your stupid hate
    Maybe it's better that we break
    But I say baby give me one more chance
    Spare me a glance and you leave me entranced
    You probably won't talk to me for a couple of days
    And the thought of that makes me cry in so many ways
    I probably won't show you this shit covered poem
    Because it's not worth making you feel like shit
    And you don't care anyway
    That's what I do
    I spend my life chasing after guys that are damned if I do
    So why do I waste my time
    On someone as beautiful as you
    I should just move on
    And you should too
    But don't
    Be as obsessed with me as I am with you
    I got so sad that I ate too many chocolates and threw up all over the bathroom
    I'm crazy
    I love you so much you make me puke
    So here's the worst poem ever
    Written with all the love in my heart
    Spewed with all the mania I call art



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  • Another poem

    by RosesAtSunset on August 02, 2016

    Yesterday (my muse)

    Walking with memories
    Most of them terrible
    Aren't I tedious?
    Holding the hand of fate
    And gripping it until it squirms
    I make the truth want to jump off a bridge
    But I can't ever master a bridge
    My fingers clumsy on the strings
    You're right
    And you hate it
    I'm wrong
    And I hate it
    Funny how that works out
    Are we laughing?
    I can't tell
    I don't know shit
    But that's all I need to know
    Shit
    And you
    I guess you're waiting for me to say
    You ain't shit
    But you know that ain't true
    The truth is shit
    You never want to believe it
    All I want is you



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  • Eat, Drink, And Be Merry, For Tomorrow We Die

    by blueplates on July 27, 2016

    I want to stop being afraid but I keep doing things with consequences that terrify me. I can't tell myself no, my hedonism has turned self destructive. My long walks are starting to seem like death marches, I worry I won't know when to quit, or worse, that I've already missed my second chance. I've really tried to pinpoint the exact moment I lost control but I can't because loss of control is not something that happens in one moment. It's like sand through an hourglass, a million little things that seem like no big deal at the time, it's taking that extra valium, it's skipping your last class, it's telling yourself you'll deal with it tomorrow when you know you won't, it's bringing adderall on vacation, it's letting them do whatever they want to you, it's a slow loss of the sense of danger that keeps you alive, it's the blurry line between self love and self hate, it's living every day like it might be your last because maybe you're hoping it will be. 



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  • Two poems

    by RosesAtSunset on July 25, 2016

    Today

    My presence in the present is perhaps
    Not as novel as it is known
    Normalcy is the greatest fallacy
    The dreams that doubt the dawn
    The depth of the desolation
    The heart of the hearth
    Is however the home of the heathens
    Love is the lowest common denominator
    It's valuable beyond bounds
    The truth is common in its rarity
    Love the truth and nothing less
    Allow the truth
    And nothing less will follow

    ---

    Tomorrow (much ado about nothing)
     
    my heart beats but it doesn't leave a mark 
    my heart wanders but it stumbles into you
    the truth hurts but it's all I ache for
    you leave me 
    restless not breathless
    less is always more
    than I can hope for 
    I wrote this for you
    but it ain't worth going broke for 
    I ain't broke but what are all these jokes for
    I can't do much so that's all I do
    so I ain't worth much 
    and that's all I cope for
    here you go
    a poem I couldn't dope for



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  • Entry 5: Stress

    by sokorny on July 19, 2016

    Grrr, oh how painful stress can be not only to your mind but also your body. Each has their own stresses in life, and it is hard to quantify how "important" it is to each. Personally I am fairly stress free, but the continual battles I have with my ex over our daughter are forver and ever (12 years and counting).

    I find music a great way to tune out from these stresses, and focus on other aspects of my life (work, family, friends). But sometimes no matter your body will feel the effects of that stress, even if you can "tune out" your mind.

    I have many means to manage my stress, but music is constantly there up among the first things I need to calm myself. Ironically to calm myself I need metal ... nothing like some angry and raging riffs to cure your stresses. Some go to bands for me when I need to destress are: @systemofadown @machinehead @mastodon @parkwaydrive @isis @chevelle @deftones @dreamtheater



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  • artemis and apollo, dark edition

    by artemisagrotera on July 19, 2016

    born from the same pool
    separated at birth
    reunited, but not meant for this earth
    black swan, white swan
    i'd kill orion
    every
    single
    day
    to appease your pride
    or to settle our score
    but that's probably all i'm worth

    what you knew of me then is not me now
    imprints of violence changed me somehow
    this shit is trite but it's all i've got
    my mind is fucking shot
    and that's on them
    let me drown in the fucking fen
    unstable ground, delusion sucks me in

    do you see only what you want to see?  
    what you seek, i'm afraid isn't me
    but the PTSD comes with it for free
    would you like some toxicity?
    ms. sexton ain't got nothin' on me

    solitude has turned me bitter:
    too much of a cure is fatality
    its sodden weight snuffed out my spark
    can't even sulk and write in the dark
    thought disorder
    shell and mortar
    explode, explode, explode
    collapse and scatter these ashes
    none of these bright flashes
    originate from me
     

    alone enough to know
    nothing will fix
    what's wrong with me
    but death
    or therapy.
    an exceedingly costly remedy,
    and to what end?
    my sickness and i have camaraderie    
    then, inevitably, antipathy
    can you cleanse me?


    i don't want to admit that i need to be saved
    is that what you need from me?


    you'd end up hating me

    i'd have nothing but fever-dreamed memories,

    the belief that i once meant something to someone,

    and no future.

    just eternity



    the less complicated "solution" is not fitting, is unsatisfactory.
    it holds space,
    keeps me safe
    from the fear i'll destroy
    the last thing that matters to me

    i never pretended otherwise, and i hope that you see  
    that the deed was done
    with the thought you'd be better without me

    on the chance you could be happy


    i am poison.
    are you immune to me?



    or would we run together like mercury?



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  • Blurt Inchie

    by oasisness on July 19, 2016

    I'll take an inch even if it's a pinch ha ha. I randomly come up with stuff and just blurt. what kind of word is blurt anyhow. I think I should say blurt you. Think about the word, say it out loud. It's like having a conversation with someone up close and you're really checking out their face and it becomes distorted some what and you think of them in a different light after seeing that close glimpse of who they are. It's a weird experience like thinking about blurt and saying blurt. Have i said too much will I be judged. What will people think? Will they want to get me or stay as far away as possible. I feel weird right now like the weirdest person on the planet that nobody could quite understand or figure out. There's different definitions and variations of weird but I feel I'm defining the weird weird right now. The weirdest of the weird. Does that make any sense? What or does anyone understand what I'm getting at or is it all jibberjam. I just made that up another example of my weird weird. Just saying whatever the hell pops out of my head. Is there anybody out there? I'm a little touchEd in the head as my grandma use to say. I'm feeling a bit numb not cold but numb like I don't feel anything but to not feel anything is to not feel something so that's feeling a certain way so your still feeling something to not feel. You feel me?



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  • wrapped up in isolation and lonliness

    by oasisness on July 16, 2016

    Have you ever felt so hopeful but cant quite get there. You know how it feels to feel good and great but your so sunk in your depression you cant swim out. you feel trapped and in a constant despair. You crave so bad for the good feelings and even antidepressants dont do the job. When will you see the sun again but really feel it. How can you get there without sinking again to a bottmless pit of darkness where you feel numb and fatigued. what will take you there? It is pyshsiologial? Is it God? Is it perseverance? What is it and when



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  • Shadowplay

    by idkadrian on July 10, 2016

    Exchange all your summer for winter's cold snap

    We haven't much surrounding

    Should we ever come back

    Come back to it, come back to it and turn to black

    I couldn't fear that final outcome's aftermath

    You'd be so sad, it's a lonesome hand

     

    Was disappointment giving the third degree?

    I believe we can correlate ourselves to dream

    But that's not our reality and before you'd say

    That wasn't our shadowplay 

    What concerns about me peeled you off?

    What was it that drove you all the way?

     

    There's just no way around the other side

    We can talk until our destination arrives

    The roads we can no longer abide

    Give us death, because it's no surprise

    What to do about it in the meanttime?

     

    Was disappointment giving the third degree?

    I believe we can correlate ourselves to dream

    But that's not our reality and before you'd say

    That wasn't our shadowplay 

    What concerns about me peeled you off?

    What was it that drove you all the way?

     

    The world was an open door

    We had a safety net there before

    It may be best we fall to floor

    With nothing furthermore



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  • Viably Stricken

    by idkadrian on July 10, 2016

    Loss of words, no comment ever hurts

    I refuse to fathom that I'm viably stricken at birth

    They had me welded on, I've been bitten

    Cold shoulders everywhere and I'm alright

    I can close my eyes and I shouldn't be there

    With a tenfold, I know who's in control

     

    You're viably stricken at birth

    We've all been bitten, I'm sure

    To dispute all of any recognition

    The tides should have risen by now

    Speaking and nothing came out

    Speaking and nothing's aloud



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  • Momma's Death

    by jillo1978 on July 02, 2016

    I seem to find a way o link lyrics to my Mother's death a lot. Just helps me to interperet the lyrics on here to fit what the song means to me.  RIP Susan Nassif.  You are missed greatly. I hope I can be half the woman you were. I love you. 



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  • Mania

    by RosesAtSunset on June 27, 2016

    I was manic and I still am manic. Careful with the stress and weed, guys. It did me in. I'm so restless that writing this is difficult for me right now. Doing anything for more than 5 minutes is tough for me but I do it for 5 minutes anyway. Keep on keeping on. That's all I can do. 

    And Nomad, that's my name don't wear it out :D Still love you though, I meant that.

    Keep the love. I have too much of it.



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  • :^)

    by unpoised on June 22, 2016

    i still get high and think things like

    the death of me will probably start early and melodramatically, probably too much coffee and cigarettes. like the title of some emo song i'd probably listen to in 2006. holy shit. i'm trying to forget my tendency to start every sentence with "and" and instead i'm puking "probablys." like i probably fell in love but then i'm probably trippin over kind eyes and long spent nights. i'm heating up thinking about you but not the way you move more like the way you always know what to say and how it's getting kinda creepy kinda like the way i want you to need me

    probably the bong hit but thinking too much about you i'm gonna be sick

    ((hot ass beat clap))



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  • The Moon Is Down

    by blueplates on June 21, 2016

    All this space makes me feel a little bit smothered, and when every other over used self reassurance fails to make my hands stop shaking, I tell myself that nothing matters and I say it like it's a good thing. I wonder if you could divide the world into the people who the meaninglessness comforts and the people who lie awake at night trying to find a loophole in their own insignifigance. Nothing makes me feel better than knowing huge mistakes aren't for someone like me to make, in 50 years no one will care if  I never amounted to anything. I hate to sound so fucking sad because I'm not, I'm just in the deep end of lonely. 



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  • Give your entry a title

    by RosesAtSunset on June 11, 2016

    Hey follow me on twitter lovely song meanings people: _nonameprincess

     

    I LOVE YOU ALL

    THANKS NOMAD YOU DA ONE

     

    IM BETTER NOW

     

    NOW YOU CAN WATCH AND LEARN

     

    THANKS MIKE YOU DA ONE

    You let me hide my heart here and it is hidden no more

     

    I LOVE YOU ALL

    THANK YOU ALL

    EVERYONE THAT COMPLIMENTED MY WRITING

     

    EVERYONE THAT INSULTED MY WRITING

     

    YOURE ALL MY FRIENDS NOW

     

    WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT

     

    I LOVE ALL OF YOU

     

    SO CHECK OUT MY TWITTER

    AND SEE THE PERSON YOUVE HELPED CREATE

    I CHOSE TO BE GANDHI

    BUT IM FINALLY ASHITA HURIA

    But you, and all my friends, can call me ASH

     

    I FIGURED OUT THAT ALL MENTAL ILLNESS IS BRAIN SWELLING

     

    ALL LEARNING IS BRAIN SWELLING

     

    YOU JUST NEED A HUG AND SOME TYLENOL

     

    HERE'S MY DIGITAL HUG

     

    THE REST I LEAVE TO YOU

    I MIGHT NOT BE BACK

     

    THE REAL WORLD NEEDS ME NOW

    IT NEEDS YOU TOO

    I NEED YOU

    AND I WANT YOU

    YOUR WANTS ARE ALMOST AS IMPORTANT AS YOUR NEEDS

    And it sure is fun when they line up 

     

    GOODBYE FOR NOW

    REMEMBER THAT I LOVE ALL OF YOU

     

    REGARD LESS

    Lots of love,

    Ash

    PS: BELEEH DAT

     



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  • Literally Withering Away

    by Sawlie on June 10, 2016

    My work computer isn't loading Pandora for some reason and it's physically hurting me. If you read my mind right now, you'd see a blob of rice pudding. I can't get into any kind of flow without my music. TT _______ TT



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  • Hollow Man

    by idkadrian on June 05, 2016

    Water me down until you close the flood gates

    Pay me back for what I gave in, or don't

    Where the room's tied to one of us

    The mix up to whom it really goes

    Alone is how you fear

    Alone is how you sleep

    Alone is how you keep your integrity from want and need

     

    Distraction tactic

    Durastic compassion

    Imployed without any directive

    Counter my desperation

    I'm another consolation

    Without any reservation

    I'll elope to let go

     

    Wind restless, time's infectious

    Counting backwards unled

    Awkwardly pretentious 

    I'm a hollow man

    I'm a hollow man, don't swallow your pride for me

    I'm a hollow man

    I'm a hollow man, don't dispose your life for me

    I want to be free, relinquished to see outside the lines

     

    Wind restless, time's infectious

    Counting backwards unled

    Awkwardly pretentious 

    I'm a hollow man

    I'm a hollow man, don't swallow your pride for me

    I'm a hollow man

    I'm a hollow man, don't dispose your life for me

    I want to be free, relinquished to see outside the lines



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  • Counting Flowers On The Wall

    by blueplates on June 02, 2016

    I'm going to spend my time writing shitty poetry in the green and yellow light of this slow closing honey trap, and people are going to read it and think someone like me could do better, but I never will and they'll stop expecting it. Whatever I say will be trite because anyone who is alone this much is running out of things to notice. I go for walks at night even though there's noone to make sure I come home. I'll keep taking whatever I find because I never knew when to stop. I'll be terrible at art and do it anyway because I want to. I'll stop telling people yes when I want to say no. I'll stop being afraid of things I know I can't run away from. I'll stop running away from things I don't want to think about. I don't care! I don't care! I don't care!



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