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your PM created a weird glitch that didn't allow me to see your message until mike, the mod, fixed it. i can't tell who sent it, however, so PM me your email and i will contact you.
If I had a memoir, I think it would be called Homesick for a Place I've Never Been. Sometimes I feel lovely and wonderful, but in the quiet I remember how out of place I am. I've been lightly toying with the idea of getting counselling or therapy or something. I have a hard time understanding if my shy sadness is something normal or something strange. I can't imagine I will ever go.
On the upside, I have stopped crying when boys touch me. That's a new installment in my life.
Last night when I came home at 3am, my roommate had a bit of a talk with me. "I know you say you don't care, but I don't think you mean it. You're miserable." I didn't want to talk about it with her. We used to be so close.
I go back to my home province next week to volunteer at the summer camp I have been involved with for seven years. I called my mom yesterday to ask if I should book off work after camp to visit the farm. It turns out nobody will be home then because they will be off gallavanting with my sister for softball. "Well, I need you guys to meet up with me. You need to bring me my winter stuff." "Why did you bring it home in the first place?" "I don't know. I thought I was moving universities. I didn't know I would need it here again."
I'm so homesick but I feel like there's nowhere to go.
the weather today was like a warm bath and my lungs felt saturated with the wet sun. i ran into him in the parking lot as i was leaving work and he looked liked an adonis in an orange safety vest pushing two empty carts back into their pavillion. i unwrapped my chocolate bar and he smiled and took a huge bite of it from my outstretched hand (and heart). i memorize every moment i have with him so it's pretty clear i've got a crush. but i'm a damaged idiot. i'm pretty, but that goes away as soon as i open my stupid mouth. i always say the wrong thing.
anyway, i ate the other half of the chocolate bar on the drive home and it tasted better than anything else. nothing will happen because nothing ever does, but sometimes a little bit of pathetic joy is more than enough.
It's all a matter of crafting. Crafting an image that you're comfortable, crafting a context in which to thrive, crafting a sentence that coherently expresses how lost you feel sometimes. I feel very odd, because I am both the most comfortable I have ever been and the farthest cry from who I used to be a year ago. I'm exhausted from trying to make the right decisions. Sometimes all I want to do is curl up and have someone stroke my hair.
I feel like I am violating every binary of emotion sometimes. How can I be this happy to be alive yet so quietly lonely? How can I be so determined to make good decisions and not give two simple fucks when I make an awful choice? I'm more upset about how I'm not upset. I'm barely even recognizable anymore, and I don't know if I even mind.
This morning, I woke up and decided it was finally time to put my train back on its tracks. Forget about this silly little 'heartbreak', drink less, eat enough and eat properly, apply for scholarships, go outside. It didn't take long for that sentiment to burn out.
We who were born into darkness, will soon see the light.
That is of course, if we do not allow darkness to consume us before hand.
It is our job, our mission, and our duty, as God's chosen ones (ones born with light placed inside them) to place light inside others.
Convincing residents of this world that their home is a dark place, and guiding them into the light will not lack great difficulty.
We who contain light within us, cannot fully understand the light, for who can understand perfection?
God, being the sweetness that he is, created us in his image, falwed in our eyes, perfect in his, that we may one day understand that perfection is found in all beings, though darkness may cover the surface, for it is the flaws that make us unique, and what makes us perfect in his sight.
Giving us this hope we may find perfection in the flawed, the light in the dark, and help the helpless.
WE WHO CONTAIN THE LIGHT. You have a job on this Earth; you have found the light, now go help those who haven't. For they are lost in the darkness.
true insanity lays where we believe it is not.
who are we to say what is right and what is wrong?
insanity is the beleife ones perfection.
because ones perfection is anothers hell.
there is no true sanity,
for dark places doth dwell
inside our hearts and in our minds.
though we run from such horrors,
we admit they are so devine.
if you think you are sane you are crazy.
if you know you're insane,
the more sane you may be.
everything has a purpose,
but it isnt a good one.
for god has abbandond us,
and the war has begun.
I love them. So so so so so much. I was tempted to copy and paste, like, five hundred so's. But I didn't. Be glad.
Anyways, I have an obsession with Bastille and their songs, which have extremely hidden meanings sometimes. It's so much fun to try to figure out what they mean. I think I've sort of figured out "The Silence." Now I'm gonna examine "The Draw." (or maybe just hope someone else has an explanation.)
I think I have to train myself to enjoy spending time alone again. I need to put down my phone and pick up a pen and paper again, or pick up a book, or go for a bike ride and not say a word. I need to start facing things.
I can't really write in here anymore, either, because my friends found out about this journal and now they read it and tease me. It's not very private now that people I know are reading my late-night petty wonderings.
Oh how I wish I could keep my own secrets.
Hi, I still don't feel comfortable posting stuff on this site but I am getting better. Now that it is summer I have been suffering from boredom. See this summer my mom got a job working at some pizza place. My sister cindy is participating in show choir and some play. My other sister has a job so everyone is busy expect for me. I have the house to myself which is weird my mom was a stay at home mom so I am not use to her working all day.
My dad's birthday was only a couple days ago. This year everyone just ignore it no one seem to notice. Last 2 years we did something special but this year nothing. I am the only one that still thinks about him.
One whole year out of high school. It's unfathomable how much has changed in one year. I was still dating my high school boyfriend. We were excited to start our new lives 1000 kilometers from home. I drove away from my farm to move to the city listening to a "growing up" themed mix cd my friend had made me for my graduation.
And what has changed since then?
I learned what it was like to be hungry. I had to adapt from my wholesome country life to the dark, fast pace of living in the downtown of a major city. I broke up with my boyfriend of the time weeks after we got to university, knowing full well that he was holding me back.
I got to be single for the first time in my life. I had my 'slutty phase' (now is not to get into the slut-shaming or sexual liberation argument), kissing new boys and carelessly going on a date with someone on Thursday and a date with someone else on Friday. That boyfriend and I grew apart and we eventually developed bitterness for one another.
I fell in love with my classes, learning about ancient philosophers, studying feminism, writing essays on the Christian enablement of the Holocaust. I called my friends to tell them about what I learned in class. I read big words in even bigger books. One of my professors said I was one of his best students ever. (I skipped classes to sleep in, did my papers at the last minute, and showed up to class without having read any of the material, too.)
I missed my parents, calling them periodically to ask how life back at the farm was (hint: it never changes). People I cared about in high school became people I 'lost touch' with. I got teased by my friends for being so 'country'. I used public transit for the first time.
I met Lance. He made the city feel like home to me. I found someone who challenged and complemented me. He taught me how to kiss (because my previous boyfriend and I were both inexperienced and learned from one another - incorrectly so). He took me to a French winter festival. He brought me out of the city and took me to his cottage. We stayed up way too late together. We sang Kings of Leon at the top of our lungs on 2am drives around the city. I told him an enormous secret about my past that I had never told anyone before. He held me while I cried and spoke softly to me.
I got my heart broken. I moved to a shitty apartment and school and rec volleyball and my job all ended at once. I stopped eating and lost a lot of weight. I slept until 3pm and drank I had to start my life over again. I cried every night for probably a month. I felt abandoned and bewildered and betrayed.
My friends came to the rescue. Friends I never spent a ton of time with because I was running around with Lance. Friends who would take me out to distract me, friends who would rub my back while I squeaked through sobs, "I just don't understand," friends who made me feel better by just being near me.
I made a whole new group of friends that I hang out with almost every day. I never knew a friendship like theirs. Friends who will sing 90s music with me until 4am. They call me while I'm at home in my pajamas and demand I come out with them. We walk home from the bar laughing in the pouring rain. "You look sad," they say. "It's Lance stuff," I tell them. "BOYS, PACK IT UP. WE'RE OFF TO FIGHT LANCE. LET'S DO THIS!"
Today, my friend and I went to church. My other friends called me for pancakes. While our one friend was out, we went into his room and decorated it with streamers and balloons. We put mayonnaise on his door handles and tied his clothes together. We rearranged his furniture. We bought an inflatable alligator and dressed him up in our friend's clothes. We hid crackers absolutely everywhere (pockets, pillowcases, boxes of condoms, socks).
Yup. It's been one year. And I am so fucking happy.
I have been frequenting this site for years. Usually when listening to a tune that is resonating but not quite sure why. The more posts on a tune the more insight. anyway, never thought of creating a log-in but I figured I come here often enough and being an introvert, well I look for anyway to express, communicate, et al.
Glad to be here. Looking forward....
My name is Tera and I am going to just get straight to the point. That is the best and quickest way that I can see how this situation is going to play out. I am not self centered nor do I mean to brag. I'm just confident and that is a good thing, to me anyway. I have published poetry already out there but that didn't satisfy my thirst for very long. I do out of this world paintings that sale and is the only source of income I have coming in, thus making the "starving artist" statement a fact indeed. What I can also do with words is without a doubt , up until now, no one anywhere, not that I've ever heard of anyway, has ever done. Maybe it comes from having A.D.D. , don't know and don't care. All I do know is that my wordplay's actually play and dance to the beat of my own drum in which after only a few moments have passed the words then situate themselves in such an abstracted way yet still forming lines that rhyme with ingenious , mind blowing and creative ways that I simply would love it if the words I create that wordplay into lines after dancing around in abstracted ways and a finishing rhyming scheme would be able to take their play to new hieghts. This is were an artists' collaboration with me would need to take place. I have the ability to create these master pieces, but that is exactly what they are just lyrical pieces to a songwriting puzzle which cannot be put together completing the whole. I can provide these lyrical word playing and line dancing pieces to the whole songwriting puzzle piece for the completion to take place but I would not be able to do the songwriting completion part , otherwise my name would have already been known. Two heads are better than one, that is what they say. I know that if given a chance and this collaboration forms and a song completed and put out on the radio for ears all over the world it will be something talked about for quite a while because it hasn't ever been done, not anything or any song that I've ever heard before anyway. If you decide to take a leap of faith then I will catch you I promise and you won't regret your decision to jump. If not, then it just wasn't meant to happen for you and I. I firmly believe that everything in creation is exactly how it should be and that if something is supposed to happen, or meant to be it simply will be. That being said , thank you in advance for your time either way.
your inability to achieve solitude makes you settle for substandard relationships.
you don't believe magic is possible in lives lived within traditional boundaries.
you pretend to be more eccentric than you actually are because you worry you are an interchangeable cog.
you mistake motion for growth and are lured into vexing situations.
you still don't know what you do well.
you willfully ignore the small, gentle observations in life which you know are the most important.
your fear of change is too clearly visible in your eyes.
you are wasting your youth, your time, and your money because you won't acknowledge your shortcomings.
you worry that if you lower your guard, even for one second, your whole world will disintegrate into chaos.
you are dazed by the ease with which obliteration can be obtained.
you feel you have more memories than you have energy to process those memories.
i went on the nicest impulsive date ever yesterday. i don't think i've ever even been on a real date, unless you count the boys who take you to a shitty movie then try to make out with you ten minutes in.
we got coffee in the cutest lil coffee shop this town has to offer, then went to a park that i (somehow) have never been to except for once when i smoked out of max's bong in the parking lot. we just walked and walked and found out we both have a huge guilty pleasure for disc golf. then we acted like some schoolyard bullies and took the swings while a pack of kids glared at us.
after, we went to his friend's house to watch the USA vs Portugal match. we drank beer and vodka and made poems out of the refrigerator's magnet poetry. mine was "make a drunk sex monument about free beer," his was "would you make out with me". i guess they weren't too far off. i couldn't find a "yes," so i probably seemed creeped out.
finally, we ended up going to an arcade i haven't been to since i was about 10. a lot of the same games were there and it was so surreal. we played a few games and got tickets and he brought me home.
we didn't kiss, didn't even hold hands, and it's so refreshing to have something like that... but now i don't know if i seemed uninterested because everyone knows i'm the worst at showing how i really feel. he kept putting his hand a centimeter from mine on the couch. why didn't i grab it?
I think trying to decipher some of these song meanings is like trying to interpret the bible, koran, or whatever story book you read. ;) Last time I looked, God, hadn't written anything since the 10 Commandments. Eh well, believe what you want just don't make the mistake of telling me how to believe.
My friend says my current life is like a bad romantic comedy from the 1980s. As he put it: Girl gets dumped. Guy is a Fuckhead. Girl is sad. Girl gets better with time and starts being happier than ever before. Girl feels empowered. Guy comes crawling back. [He also added, "Girl says, 'Nope, I ain't gonna take none of your shit.']
Lance texted me yesterday. He said he misses me. That he's been having a rough go of our break-up. That he regrets putting distance between us and not treating me well near the end. I said, "That makes me feel better, like you actually cared. But I don't really want to talk about this. I'm supposed to be forgetting about you."
When I told him that I've been going out a lot, staying out late and drinking, he said one sad truth in response: "That's not the Fallen I know."
In other news, I went to my favourite bar last night with my girlfriend. She's really shy and I'm trying to get her to come out of her shell. She wants to be more confident but doesn't know how to go about it. She did great last night and held a conversation with a nice young man for a long time. When she saw I was looking gloomy, she came over and hugged me. I love her a lot.
I've been doing a lot better lately. Yesterday, my friend and I went out for coffee to catch up. He's been gone for a while. I told him I'm staying in the city for another year and he got tears in his eyes. "You look radiant," he said. "You're so full of life right now. You must be doing great." I couldn't stop smiling through my stories. "I didn't know I could have so much fun so often. I didn't know I could enjoy myself this much," I told him.
I never mentioned this on here, but I was pretty worried about myself for a while. I was losing a lot of weight and had no appetite. Unless I was in a social situation where I had to eat and people would notice if I didn't, I barely ever fed myself. My mother saw me last weekend and said, "Are you starving yourself? You look sickly." I suppose I kind of was. I figured I didn't really have a need to eat since I did so little in the day. I didn't deserve food. It was so satisfying to have the will and control over my body and deny it food and nourishment when it achingly cried for it.
One of my friends (Lance's good friend, actually) noticed how little I ate. I came home one day to a care package of soup and meal replacement and a note. He would text me regularly to make sure I had eaten something.
Now that I'm at work, playing softball, and have stuff figured out with my friends, I have my normal appetite back. I'm a 115 pound female and last night I ate a whole pizza by myself. Tonight, a friend and I are going out to McDonald's to see how many chicken nuggets I can eat (because we are that bright).
I'm doing better, I'm doing better, I'm doing better.
Browsing the Verve 's song meanings is unbelievable. So many people are spot on with their lyrics even though there are not many people commenting on them. The Verve are my favorite band, they are the best band to just sit around to and think about whatever comes to mind in your life.
I'm about to meet up with Lance's mother for coffee. Last night, he texted me at 10:30. We exchanged about four text messages before he stopped replying. He didn't ask me anything about what was going on with me. I'm not sure why he checked in if he didn't want to check in at all.
Lance's mother is a lovely woman. Her and I got along fabulously during the Lance-Fallen relationship. Not long after he and I broke up, she came over to my new apartment after work to drop off some housewarming things for me. She asked me how I was, and I gave her a sad reply. She said, "Oh sweetheart. He misses you, too. And if he's not treating you well, then my goodness, you deserve better. He is my own son and I would tell him that to his face." Every once in a while her and I send a text to update one another. She was like my University Mother for a couple of months. My own mother was busy and 1000km away, but Lance's mother was always there to send me care packages of food, to set out shampoo and conditioner on the nights I would sleep over, to hug me and encourage me when I was looking homesick.
Today was my second day of my brand new job. I'm serving at a brunch restaurant downtown. 7am comes a hell of a lot earlier than my usual wake-up call at noon. It's nice to have a reason to wake up in the morning again, though. Besides, my copious amounts of partying and eating out had dwindled my personal funds down to about $30.
After meeting up with Lance's mom, I have my first league game with my new softball team. I usually go to my favourite bar on Tuesday nights to listen to live music in the basement and dance. I ran into a friend of mine yesterday on my way to buy groceries, and he asked for my number and invited me to another music-and-dance event tonight. I'm not sure if I will even have the energy to do anything after softball but shower and begin reading Harry Potter & the Prisoner of Azkaban (it's my summer tradition).
I hope, my dear Internetter, that all is well on your end.