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    by CleanLaundry on October 02, 2015

    I skipped class to finish this application

    I don't even write anymore

    I submitted a poem I wrote with a girl. the poem's called "homesick vigilante" and the girl is called a name I haven't said out loud in about a year.
    it's a solid name. two syllables. fairly uncommon, but doesn't make a big deal of itself. she told me once what it meant in Gaelic but I won't share that now.

    when I'm drunk off my ass I could forget my own name before I'd forget hers.

    I shouldn't have submitted that poem. it was written about something intimate that no longer exists and frankly the poem about the potato chips was way better.

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  • If I drown let me sink

    by LoudSilences on October 02, 2015

    I don't really know what to write. It seems like there's nothing to say.

    I think about suicide a lot, and I wish I had a gun.

    Some people believe that when we die we become a star, but I think I'd become the darkness between the stars.

    Does anyone actually read what I write? I always wonder. I'm thinking about maybe deleting my account. I don't know why.

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  • I got the memo i accept

    by oasisness on October 01, 2015

    I can thank you for contributing to ruining one of the best things that entered my life. I take responsibility for my actions and part but I would of left them alone weeks ago, I would of let them process but you had to win and for what? You don't know how much they meant and mean to me but you assisted in me driving them away. So thank you. I'm broken and feel dead but I accept thank you


    bens death greatest episode and last 5 minutes indeed.

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  • Ayyy! It's been a few months and I've made a few things.

    by candyhippie on October 01, 2015

    I've made a bunch of things and I forgot to tell my SongMeanings journal about any of them! The most important part is probably that I've got my very own shop in addition to Etsy now, at, where you'll also find a cozy blog. I've made a ton more mandala coloring books, the latest of which is a Halloween mandala book, and I've started making teeny zines and printable bookmarks too.

    While working I listened to a lot of Nightwish, Florence and Radiohead.

    I also come with a small gift: a free coloring page PDF. Please do take a sample!

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  • The Same Reason I'm Afraid of Deep Water

    by luckybamboo on September 30, 2015

    I wanted to die today but I didn't and that's what is important

    There is something wrong with me but it changes every day

    I'm human and I hate it

    The state of checking for natures errors 

    They're always going to be there

    We're fallible and I can't stand it 

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  • to the driver of the red ford focus / to everyone

    by CleanLaundry on September 29, 2015

    my forhead is bleeding

    my bike chain fell off

    scuffed up my huffy





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  • There used to be rather few comments

    by soulwaves2000 on September 29, 2015

    now there's an almost infinite amount..and they all say the same thing. It's all the same vague, rather literal meaning of the song, it's like the same 12 year old of limited intellect( even for his age) sharing his "thoughts"...

    Songs have a deeper meaning, some of the words are code, usually they're easily readable, like Hotel California, is a metaphor for sexual addiction, "they just can't kill the beast" means they can't get rid of their sexual appetite. "You can check out anytime you like" check out also means death, or black out. Meaning you can "shoot up" anytime you like, it works for heroin as well, "but you can never leave" you'll never beat your addiction.

    if you're gonna write a comment, make sure it's not exactly the same as the 60 previous comments...

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  • That Crazy Music ♪♫

    by NomadMonad on September 28, 2015

    A Nice Pair: Piper + Saucerful = ♥ 

    Syd Barrett as symptom and metaphor
    Lucifer the fallen cherub/seraph, Icarus, Orpheus,
    the dissolution of society through Dionysian mysteries
    degeneration of High Classical art into Pharmakeia and Gnosis
    An acid casualty/psychotic misperceived as revelator
    Lost generations / Lost souls
    Siren songs, waves crashing on the Rock
    Youth wandering a kaleidoscopic labyrinth
    Unearthly desire
    The celestial tones of madness and doom
    Epiphany where the Flux of Eternal Becoming is glimpsed
    The fear that one may never come down again
    Clashing symbols & portents in storm-clouds
    Idealizations of childhood
    the Beauty beyond the Beyond...


    Wayfarers All






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  • And heaven I think is too close to hell

    by LoudSilences on September 26, 2015

    I was flicking through my old book of D.H Lawrence poems to the parts I had highlighted, and I found this:

    'I would bear the pain.

    But always, strong, unremitting

    It would make me not me.

    The thing with my body that would go on living

    Would not be me.

    Neither life nor death could help.'


    And thats all I have to say.

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  • We drown in pneumonia, not rivers and streams

    by LoudSilences on September 25, 2015

    I'm not me anymore.


    I'm empty.

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  • and enough is all you can hope for

    by RosesAtSunset on September 24, 2015

    i'm sitting against a tree in our campus courtyard with a laptop, trying to seem as though i'm a part of the typical college scenery. in reality, my fingers are covered in stale resin as i try to clean out my pipe to take a stealth toke. finally satisfied with the suction, i bend down behind my backpack to light the bowl. i breathe in as the weed soars through me. i appreciate the sleepy golden sun and the fall chill even more than before. 

    it's a typical college drug addiction but i'm happy for the most part. i have a lot of friends i haven't seen much of lately, but i'll be seeing them this weekend and maybe that'll jumpstart our connections. but who knows, maybe i'm destined to be lonely even when i'm not alone.

    i watched meet the robinsons on netflix and it inspired me to let go of the past and keep moving forward. i guess you can laugh at me for being so influenced by cartoons, but it might mean that i'm still emotionally a child. i'm cursed with the brutal honesty and the equivalent lack of emotional skin. but i'm an adult now and i can say i'm okay with the way my life turned out. it wasn't what i expected, but days like today are enough for me. 

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  • Damned

    by luckybamboo on September 24, 2015

    I have nothing to say but I wish I did

    This quiet is killing me

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  • I can't help the feeling that I could blow through the ceiling

    by LoudSilences on September 24, 2015

    Its before school that I'm writing this.

    I feel so weighted, and I'm really worried, but I don't know why. It feels like coils of wire twisting around my insides. I hate having anxiety.

    My self-esteem has been getting lower and lower, and now I avoid even looking in mirrors.

    I want this all to go away. I wish I didn't even exist. I'm just so mad at myself for not seeing this coming for me.

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  • I'm Still Your Bitch

    by luckybamboo on September 23, 2015

    I can't even look at him for wishing it was you

    I hate this about myself but I can't even deny it 

    His hands were too gentle sliding up my shirt

    They never even shook

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  • ♗ El Papito Visits Babylon

    by NomadMonad on September 23, 2015

    Why is he Vaticanizing

    when he could be catechizing ?

    This silly man with a funny hat
    this doddering puppet
    with his dead Jesus on a stick
    this irrelevant vestigial organ
    this geriatric Marxist-Lite:
    outdated Liberationist
    terminal Global Warmist;

    no wonder the World
    heeds his incoherent discourse.
    No wonder they
    listen to him
    but hate the Truth.

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  • A Choking Gall, And A Preserving Sweet

    by luckybamboo on September 22, 2015

    If it's painless you're doing it wrong

    When you slap me in the face it feels like love

    Or at least what I know of it

    when you spit in my mouth it feels like a compliment

    You're horrible and I love you

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  • It was something of an end

    by LoudSilences on September 20, 2015

    I can feel it. Just like the times before. But different. Final.

    I can feel it, and I think its forever.

    She left for university today. The way my mum said it was, she said it 'was the end of an era'.

    I just feel like maybe its the end of an era for me too. Like I wake up, and I swear I'm a little less than I was yesterday.

    I know I 've lost myself, and I don't know whether its worse that I'm gone, or worse that I actually don't care anymore.

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  • Ignorance is the the curse of god

    by luckybamboo on September 18, 2015

    My father is the human equivalent of a splinter. 

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  • But I lost myself

    by LoudSilences on September 18, 2015

    I think its that moment were you realize that if you died the world wouldn't end. No one would care probably, except your family. For me, four, maybe five people. It really wouldn't matter if I died.

    Then its the moment when you realize you really don't want to exist anymore. Because every day is filled with heavy sadness, and you don't really enjoy or understand anything. You're with people, but you're alone.

    The first time I tried to kill myself, popping those white pills in my mouth one by one, I was amazed that the most alive I'd felt in months was in trying to die. The second time, I got sadder in hospital when I saw the kind nurse with scars on her arms, gotten the same way I'd gotten mine.

    I just feel like its time to go.

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  • how i spent labor day weekend

    by artemisagrotera on September 16, 2015

    to the other

    and what i left out in my explanation

    i don't want to just play computer games with you anymore
    and have you chat me all day at work
    or on the weekends when you are lonely

    i wanted you to come visit me like you used to

    i will never forgive you for deciding you loved somebody else more than me

    but then also strung me along for a year

    telling me you still love me so so so much
    telling me i'm your best friend, ever
    telling me "you're the face i want to see when i'm sad, or hurt, or sick,
    or really proud of something, or when i want to have an ill-advised
    adventure, or just want to relax with my best friend"
    telling me you fucked up the best thing that ever happened to you
    telling me you never want to create any distance between us, even if that makes you an asshole for not wanting to do it, because i'm "too important" to you
    telling me you hope someday everything works out and we'll be together again because we belong together
    telling me that talking to her is like talking to a ghost
    telling me if you could go back in time, you would in a heartbeat
    telling me, when i said i couldn't believe how happy i was then and that it seemed unreal to me now and that i wished i could go back there, "me too"
    telling me, when asked if that truly is the case, what the fuck is stopping you, the reason you can't or won't is that you "couldn't handle hurting people any more than i already had--i almost left town, almost ran away from her"

    which is bullshit

    as if i were supposed to feel sorry for you during your supposed torment
    from making a bad decision

    you're just a coward.

    if all these things are so, why don't you just leave her?

    you're a coward, and you need to have something else lined up before you move on because you can't stand to be alone for a second

    and also, you like her because she gives you permission to be an awful person, and i didn't realize by simply existing i was unintentionally pressuring you to be a better person (sorry that was such a burden! you idiot)

    "i couldn't handle hurting people anymore" is just code for "her feelings are actually more important than yours" but you are either not aware of that or don't know how to articulate it

    "and even though i've been telling you all this time how miserable i am, i actually do love her more than you"

    even though you pretend otherwise
    for reasons i still don't really understand

    "and i didn't mean anything by posting those lyrics"
    "i realized they could be taken the wrong way so i took them down"

    (which did not occur to you until i made it clear how much it hurt me)

    but how could you not? that must be a lie too.

    either that, or you're just really fucking stupid
    or really do lack empathy

    but it means everything you have been telling me over the past year is a lie

    because you "wanted to control it, but, 'love! i couldn't hold it'"
    (that's a fucking terrible song by the way. i suppose it suits you now)

    a very cruel lie

    which is why i started taking pills so i didn't have to feel feelings anymore

    after i messaged you for about an hour, trying to explain your cruelty

    but you just don't fucking get it

    i started with six, that seemed like a good place to start
    washed it down with vodka on the rocks
    took three more a little later, who knows how much later? i do not know
    took four a few hours later
    still drinking vodka on the rocks
    i took two or three more, maybe
    i think the sun came up

    but taking that many pills makes you do weird things

    so i set out all the cat and dog food left in the house in a place where they could reach it
    i put a very large bowl of water out for them and let the tub faucet drip
    i put on suicide makeup and a suicide outfit
    i wanted to look pretty
    i left a note that essentially said "this was accidental, but if i die, whatevs, peace out, i was sad as fuck anyway"

    and it wasn't just you, it was everything

    the whole world and everything in it

    then i took some more pills with more vodka
    and slept a long time
    and woke back up and took some more pills with vodka
    and thought about that scene from the bell jar
    and answered a text from a friend who instinctively knew something was wrong and came over to wake me up from "a nap"
    i don't know what day that even was
    and then after she left three hours later i started taking more pills with vodka
    and went back to sleep and took more pills any time i did wake up
    i can't remember when or why i stopped
    but somehow over the course of 2 days i took almost a month's worth of klonopin
    evidently that is not enough to kill me.
    good for me, i guess.

    i do understand that a not-exactly-but-kind-of suicide attempt is a really histrionic and pathetic cry for help, but I NEEDED YOUR HELP

    if you loved me as much as you say you do, why didn't you come over right away and say "please never do that again, you scared the hell out of me"

    or "i would never forgive you if you disappeared that way"

    or "don't you understand that i love and need you?"

    but you didn't.
    because you don't.
    and you're a liar.

    you just want my emotional support and my love that you don't deserve

    you can't string me along like that for a year and use me and drain the life out of me just because you need the understanding and caring that is supposed to be part of a loving relationship that is not with a pathologically narcissistic monster

    i don't just mean she thinks too highly of herself, i mean she is seriously ill and would be dangerous if she weren't so stupid and transparent to
    EVERYONE BUT YOU, or those who enjoy her flattery. she can't feel human feelings, but she sure knows how to put on a good show. she thinks rules don't apply to her because she is special and a super-bad rebel or some other ridiculous shit. she uses everyone she knows purely for her own gain.
    narcissists actually seek out compassionate people because they know they are easy to exploit and they can suck a lot of energy out of them. there are plenty of scientific studies about this, maybe you should read some of them.

    or maybe it would ring too true and you wouldn't want to see yourself in it

    she's the sort of person who, in different times, would already have been culled from the herd by the tribe elders or whatever because she's a bad seed

    seriously, like THE bad seed. ever seen that movie? watch it.

    you've absorbed too many parts of her, and now you're a horrible person too.

    you know the only person who tried to check on me after all this?

    my ex-husband.
    the one i split up with twelve years ago.
    THAT is a true friend.

    you don't get to call me your best friend anymore.

    you actually aren't my friend at all.
    i was pretty fucking stupid to believe otherwise.
    using me because you need things you aren't getting isn't friendship

    which means the transformation is complete.
    you are now a half- bottle redhead sociopathic cunt monster who needs a shower

    i never thought anyone could be more frighteningly crazy than your little brother, but your darkness is much more insidious because it masquerades as innocence and vulnerability.

    or maybe just neediness

    i believed the innocent face you put on.
    i believed in the funny, idealistic, intelligent person i could talk about politics and revolution and music and programming languages and computer games with, and identified with the tragically beautiful current of melancholy underneath

    are you just a mirror of whoever you want to fuck at the time?

    or is that person still under there?
    were you ever there?
    i used to think you were.
    i'm not sure anymore.

    maybe i was just in love with an idealized version of myself.

    but it's probably for the best, because all you ever want to do is eat and sit on the couch and watch movies,

    and when i think back on it objectively, that actually wasn't making me happy. it was making me unhealthy and fat and miserable

    and you certainly didn't like hearing that i was tired of being a drunk fuckup, because i suppose you thought that meant you couldn't be one either                (it didn't)

    and i could never have any time alone and that drove me absolutely fucking crazy and made me resent you

    so i guess it makes sense that you would be easily lured away by someone who is dumber and younger than you and pretends to think you're pretty amazing, when i had been growing annoyed with you except when we were drunk or in bed

    and now you put me on a pedestal and pretend you don't deserve me so you can be a martyr and justify your poor choices
    (although you actually don't deserve me)

    but anyway, i don't think i actually wanted to die. i just wanted to be numb, and didn't care if i happened to die getting there.

    i don't feel anything now, so that's okay



    to the friend who listened to all of this, verified my suspiscions, made me feel better, understands me, whom i will always love with something stronger, kinder, less volatile, and more constant than romantic love

    although, inappropriately, sometimes that too

    please never stop singing me to sleep.
    thank you for keeping me alive.
    i love you always


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