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I think this will be my last post on here, maybe for a time, maybe forever. I know that most (if not all) of you will not particularly care about this, and that's cool, you don't know me and I don't really contribute anything. I just don't like to leave places or things without a goodbye, so that's what this is. My very first journal post on here was in February of 2015, and a lot of things have happened since then...and I just don't think I want to have my writing on the internet right now. Some of the things I post about are still open wounds, and publishing them for critique and judgement is hard for me. I thought I was ready, but I wasn't, and that's ok. In some ways I'm getting better and in some ways I'm getting worse, that may be the essence of recovery, but I don't think I want to document it. I'm going back to the psychiatrist soon, maybe things will start looking up for me again, I hope things get better and stay better for all of you. Dixi.
Sometimes I hate that chose to study psychology and hate myself for fitting the stereotype of the crazy person trying to find themself, but that's what I am
I'm drowning in pages of literature that sometimes hit too close to home, but the problem with psychology is that there are no real hard answers. There isn't an equation that can help you find a satisifying relationship. Sometimes it sucks and sometimes it sucks less. Some of my closest friends are going ghost on me and I know that they will never be straight with me about it. People would rather lie to themselves and others than to allow for a final dissolution. Instead they ask where I've been and I lie and say that I've been busy, but we both know the truth. They don't invite me out much and they're always busy when I ask them.
People just drift apart sometimes and I'm reading about how people avoid the destruction of relationships as much as they are motivated to create them. But I've given up. How far can you put yourself out there until you fall off? I'm not much better. I'm not always great at keeping in touch, either. I've cut out a lot of people too and maybe this is my karmic redemption. But I had my reasons, so maybe they have theirs? Anyway, I'm trying to keep my nose to the books while I try not to be sad about not having a secure base and slowly try to make new friends as best as I can.
I know the only for me to get out of this little big city is to get my bachelor's and find some school in some place in europe. I don't feel like I'm running away, moreso that I've overstayed my welcome and it's time to leave.
For a long time, I have scoured the web for new music. Well new to me. Most of the bands I listened or still do were around back then. As the title explains, my radio is going around in circles with the same songs. I'd like it if anyone would reccomend an artist or band in any genre. I'm very open to all types really. Thanks
my name is a reaffirmation
it means "Jehovah is God"
I spent weeks reading about it online
before I ever said the syllables aloud.
for my tribute, I'd like you
to make me a namer.
someone who gives titles
to horses or streets or craft beers,
make me an adam of my own tiny world.
I could name myself, too, among them.
let me be Moon Alley, Kinky in Helsinki,
or Gin the Wonderboy - any name
except the ones I've been made
to wear on my chest like a logo
on a middle school gym shirt,
sweaty and waiting to be handed down.
Sometimes a beam of sunlight melts into the room
And burns apart the darkness
But it doesn't get rid of the pain in my chest
As my heart shudders and trips through the beats
I would like to breathe sleep
Yet like Atlas I weep
Who remembers Livejournal? It used to be my main hangout, and I started missing it lately. So I've made myself a new LJ account. I've also started up an LJ community for colorists, Adult Coloring. I plan for it to be a relaxed, hardly-moderated sort of place where everyone can just chill and share coloring hobby related stuff. If you're into this whole recent adult coloring craze, please consider participating. If you're not into coloring yet, give it a try, it's better than Netflix.
What else... I've got a membership at a new gym, 6 months paid up front. It's the dirty, chalky sort of place with a herd of squat racks and no treadmills, and I absolutely love it. I've been tracking my progress on Fitocracy. The endorphins from all the exercize are really helping me get through the winter weather, and the exhaustion is giving me plenty of time to chill out to music and color.
As for new art, I've made a mandala calendar (also available as a regular coloring book).
I'm also in the very beginning stages of writing a book. Like an actual written book, about mindfulness coloring. I'm pretty excited. The concept is strong, I just need to buckle down and do the work!
Everything I've ever written is irrelevant and everything I've ever touched is worse for it. I just watch the minutes pass and try to think of something I still care about, but my dad was right about me, I should've stopped while I still could. I know there must be something really wrong because the most patient people I knew are gone. I know at the root of it I'm still a hurt little girl getting mocked and yelled at by what should have been the first man to love me, and I know nobody wants somebody who needs them as much as me. I think I'd do anything if someone would tell me I'm a good girl while I did it.
Sometimes I wonder how the universe holds all the things people think
I wonder how you can bare to shine on such wretched people
Why I'm here if I can get lost in the weave of a blanket
And you shine over these mountains
A world with only you is endless grandeur
I am the flicker of a match on a windy day
You are the feeling of falling asleep and the comfort of waking up
So my best friend in the whole wide worlds Dad died on Friday. He was the father that I never had, and I honestly feel like I'm suffocating.
Half the time I feel nothing. I'm just, numb. And my heart. Is just, gone. I don't feel anything at all. And I feel like an alien surrounded people, who feel everything.
And the other half the time I'm screaming in my head "No, no! He's not really gone!" and I keep telling myself that this is all some twisted nightmare, that he'll just walk through the door, making a stupid joke that we'll all laugh at.
And all you feel is the pain, and the empty ache, that can't be filled. And you want nothing more, than to have him back, but you know, you'll never get him back. And you feel like you're literally breaking. And the only person who can fix it, is the one thats gone.
And so you just shatter, and pieces of you are everywhere. And the other people who love you try to pick up each of the pieces for you, and they do a pretty good job, but some of the pieces, you'll never get back.
Nothing hurts more, than to know that you can never be whole again, after your first heartbreak, and more of you will be gone, with each loss.
so im bipolar and schizo, bipolar for my rage which im working with quite well actually, these days, and, schizophrenic because i dont trust people but thats not a psychiatric side effect, its a life side effect and this i know because my antipsychotic is for my anger. though i havnt realized whether or not what im taking is a placebo or im just doing really well, i choose the latter. thats my story, lately.
Here we go. like two visits or three, actually i forget but once i once on a psychiatric unit (not that first time, obviously) and i met this gorgeous girl named Anna, oh my anna. and well everything was going as it should, on our first date together...DISASTER! i bought a twenty-five bottle of tequila, man the loss of direction i had then. fast foward>>> i got waaay to drunk, she ended up bringing me back to my apartment, "handing you over to your mother". ahhh =/. fast foward>>>my last conversation with her was through text and although she spoke to me it wasnt good news.
last night i messeged her and said, "you dont feel lonely?", followed by, "if you do listen to this song... chris brown - dont judge me. listen & understand. goodnight."
i need to get her back, and just so you can get to know anna both anna and anna through my eyes...shes a tiredsome line producer (a type of film producer), quite motivated apparently (heh) and well shes um, somewhat down to earth in her sexuality and intellect but she lacks any world expierence outside of her world, im guessing because of her habit of staying close to her "family", that is her roommates. shes russian, like RUSSIAN, but americanized, ya know? her father is dear to her and lives in russia, far far away.
prior to last night i poured my heart out to her, over text, trying to remend the memories i had of, well more so, the wrongs i committed. see, to her disrespected her abode and yes i will take the blame for that but man do i like her. all this in one night, hehe.
Dedicated to WeatheredChair, for reminding me that sometimes you need to document the happy moments too, especially if they're not as often as you want them to be. This isn't in any form of poetry/prose becuase I'm not used to writing about happy things and I can't make the words flow just yet, so it's just a list of my happiest memories and my favorite things.
1. picking strawberries with my mom; there's a Target now where the field used to be, but it still makes me happy when I drive by
2. playing in the backyard with my sister for hours until my mom would make us come in and eat
3. jumping in a pool at night with my clothes still on
4. buying my first piano with my mom; spending a whole day in the gallery playing the different pianos
5. rainy weather
6. movie theaters
7. helping my mom put up her new curtains; me complaining and her laughing until I was just glad I was there to help her and that she didn't have to go on the ladder
8. every sunset I've ever seen and the way they each give me a different feeling
9. the first time I read my favorite books; every time after that
10. the way that everything can be beautiful if you stare at it long enough
11. that I can still be nostalgic about times in my life that I thought would kill me
12. that I didn't kill myself any of the times that I've thought about it
Everyone seems blue. Am i wrong to point that out? I'm not saying I've never had a blue day, and i also realize writing is expressive and you may only come here when you're blue. I might only see one side of you. That's fine.
the only thing i remember from 3rd grade english was character identification. You see, you have the static character. They are resistant to change and so this means they are doomed to fail. By this frame of mind, adaptation is the key to life. You cannot truly live without it. The other character is the dynamic. This character adapts and therefore thrives. They meet the challenges of life and move past them on to one greater and more thrilling.
I know very little for sure but one thing i do is that life isn't like the novels. Everybody is a protagonist and truth be told there is no antagonist. Nobody is doomed to fail. When i say this I'm talking to you rosesatsunset. Your castle of optimism is going to crash but building the walls is the funnest part anyways. Shake it up. Quit your job and do something exhilarating. The cubicle isn't life anyways, it's just filler and the potential for regret. I'm talking to you loudsilences. Being young is not an easy thing, I'm not sure it ever has been. Make a goal and accomplish it, and by that i dont mean conquering depression, i mean something more arbitrary. Accomplishing something, if nothing else, will show overcoming obstacles is possible and, on occasion, easier than expected. I'm talking to you luckybamboo. I can't even begin to understand abuse but i can say distance from even family can be a great thing. Go see the world and write about the peaks you scaled and the wonders you've witnessed. I'm talking to you cleanlaundry. Possibly the greatest writer to grace this tired old website. You'll be famous someday, i know because voice is a rare commodity but even rarer is a voice that everyone wants to hear, and that my friend (can i call you my friend?) is what you have in heaps. and to everyone i left out I'm talking to you too. I didn't mean to seem as though I've chosen favorites, you just havent been as prevalent in my time here.
Anyways...have a nice night. I hope your nest posts are joyous and delightful. I hope i see a different side.
I fell in love with this boy, and he fell in love with me. We were so happy, and free and unafraid. I don't think his parents like me, and he turns 16 soon and can date other people... and we've talked about maybe breaking up.
I don't want to lose him.
I'm afraid to lose the one whose made me happy.
The one who knows just how to comfort me.
The one who can put a smile on my face, just by simply walking into a room.
The boy who is walking around with my first kiss on his lips.
The worst part of it all is that I've hurt him, by loving him.
I hurt the person, that I love the most, by loving him the most...
My dad came to visit for christmas and it went so horribly bad that I'm still reeling from it...I hate the way his visits leave me afraid of men for weeks after, while at the same time making me crave affection and validation from male authority/father figures. I hate the way I'd give anything for someone to hold me right now. I hate the way I know exactly what I want.
My head is like a junkyard
But at least it doesn't it hurt anymore
I'm tired of talking to people who don't know the horrible ache that is love
I wish my heart was the same age as my body
I wish I wasn't scared of everything
I wish that hearing a man raise his voice wasn't the thing I'm scared of most of all
I don't know most days. I just don't. About what I'm not sure, I just know I don't know.
I'm going to another psychologist/psychiatrist for a second opinion, and could end up in hospital again. I just don't care anymore.
I really need to hurry up and kill myself.
Anyway, I hope you all had a great Christmas.