Recent Journal Entries

  • Oceans turned to drowning seas, we suffocated endlessly

    by LoudSilences on August 29, 2015

    It was all calm, then just like that it wasn't.

    I wish she had never seen me with the book 'Breakfast At Tiffany's'.

    Suddenly she was shouting about how I 'always get what I want', and how everything is 'always dictated' by me. As if I asked for this.

    My Dad was nearly crying telling her that I didn't like being this way, that I couldn't help it. I don't think it mattered.

    I know she hates me. I don't blame her.

    I keep thinking about suicide and dying, and the sadness is eating me from the inside out.

    I didn't even ask for the book. My Mum ordered it, then told me after.



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  • sore

    by CleanLaundry on August 25, 2015

    of all the sensations I can manage to conjure, the clearest is the memory of fingers tracing patterns into the crook of my arm.

    today, walking to 7Eleven, I caught sight of a rusty nail sticking out of wooden fence. I thought of another time a fine point needle was shoved into the vein between my bicep & forearm, injecting me with tetanus. 



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  • When I look up in the sky, well I wish I was gone

    by LoudSilences on August 24, 2015

    I have to start taking the anti-psychotic. The psychiatrist said it would help the anti-depressants to be effective. She also doubled them. It isn't working.

    I am 15 years old.

    I just want this to stop. I'm so, so, so sad, and I feel too tired to live.

     



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  • Push Pen

    by luckybamboo on August 24, 2015

    I wonder if anyone is truly happy, because it seems like the people you think are happy actually are just quietly miserable. I want, so badly, to know without indecision that somone, somewhere is happy. My therapist told me I can't expect to be happy all the time, and I don't, but I at least want the light to overpower the dark. For gods sake, I'm on 2 different medications, twice a day and as needed. If I can't be happy like this when can I? Even when I take too much and mix it with cough medicine, it's nothing. I guess nothing is better than a deficit. 



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  • naan bread

    by CleanLaundry on August 23, 2015

    I finally quit my job. there are few things more satisfying than untying your apron on your last day of work, and tossing it into the dumpster. the sky was lit beautifully on my walk home, the sun was furtive, ducking behind clouds. there was an edge to the afternoon, making me worry for the dry tinder forest on the other side of the sunburnt high hills.

    august reminds me of a flaming lips concert which reminds me that I've made three mixed cds for in my life, all three were goodbye gifts. all three began with the song "Do You Realize." which inherently betrays the first line of the song.  

    *** 

    when I get home, my mate alex was playing call of duty, and gale was crying in her bedroom. they both do these activities a lot. gale cries almost every day, usually at the foot of her bed listening to bon iver (she usually prefers the song wash.) and in response alex grips the nearest xbox controller and turns up the volume of his artillery. 

    this all used to make me very sad. I felt like my house was a weird dysfunctional dollhouse but when you put a handful of depressives in the same living space, you begin to understand. I've seen gale in her ebullience, diving beneath foamy ocean waves and emerge with a sharky grin. I've heard alex meow to stray cats on rooftops and make oragami turtles for his nieces.

    ***    

    we had no food in the kitchen sans half a bag of flour. luckily all you need is flour, water, cooking oil and a source of heat to make naan bread. add a handful of rosemary, basil and garlic and you've got the house smelling like fucking grandma's. I left a plate outside gale's door. "j'eat?"

    I miss lexie and that makes me feel like writing, though I don't have much to write about. my bedroom window is streaked with black like a girl's smokey eyes and I have a itch to climb out of it and into the dregs of the afternoon. 



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  • Today is the greatest day I've ever known, can't live for tomorrow

    by LoudSilences on August 23, 2015

    I just want it to stop. I want not to feel it anymore. The constant sadness and hopelessness that lives and grows inside me.

    It just hurts so much.



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  • Jigsaw falling into place

    by alterEgo on August 22, 2015

    song which describes what i feel right now. 

    i have a crush on my coworker. it's so hard, because i have had dreams about him, i don't know why i dream about him so much. Last night I dreamt about work. I was strangling one of my coworkers, and he was just chilling there with his family at my workplace (it;s like a restaurant) but it me happy that he was there.

    my boyfriend and i, have now broken up, but still remain friends.

    he drove me home from work, for the first time tonight, and i was just so giddy. I'm so embarassed, i cant even talk to him properly. he makes my heart jump. I'm very bad to have a crush on my coworker for so long, and my boyfriend and i broke up a few days ago.

    in his car, he mentioned to me that he heard that my boyfriend and i broke up even though i didn't tell him directly, i told my other coworkers.

    he asked me what happened, i told him that my bf wanted to be friends with me. He told me he moved on from relationships pretty quickly and that his last relationship lasted for 4 years. I think he likes me, and i like him, but i don't want to rush into a new relationship. 

    It's best to take the advice from my first bf. you should half the time (of you previous relationship) out of a relationship, which would make it 5 months before im ready to start datiing someone else.

    I still care for cameron, i hold him dear to my heart. and i would say the same for oliver. i still care for them. no more relationships please. they make me go crazy.



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  • you would say this is too intimate to put on the internet

    by luckybamboo on August 22, 2015

    I don't really know what I'm doing anymore, you were so wrong for me 

    Too old

    Too kind 

    In some ways you were like a father and I miss that 

    You taught me things 

    You even made teaching me how to give you a blowjob feel like showing me how to drive  

    Our first kiss felt like you were proud of me for something 

     After that first blowjob you told me I was a good girl and didn't care when that made me cry 

    (No one had ever told me)

    You let me lay on your chest and talked about

    How the inside of a piano works 



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  • door one

    by CleanLaundry on August 21, 2015

    we were sitting across from eachother in a booth at arby's at 9pm on a thursday and I realize too late I should have paid for your chicken strips. you're licking honey mustard off your fingers and trying to think of something to say. dandilion pollen has gathered in your hair and I'm completely distracted because you're eyes are watercolors and I'm tripping. 

    (this was all your idea. look, I just wanted you to like me.)

    you ask me how I old I was when I lost my virginity and when I tell you, you're so surprised you laugh. I hate that my ears begin to burn. 

    I go outside and hit my vape for nicotine and suddenly you're there again stepping out of the shadows placing your hand on my shoulder. I mumble something like I just don't want any more regrets today 



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  • boo

    by luckybamboo on August 19, 2015

    I see you in every goddamn thing now 

    In between washing my hands again and chanting the same phrase 3 times 

    then 7 times 

    then 9

    I was already crazy why did you do this?



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  • Nothing can live up to promise, nothing can stop its narrative, nothing in place of catalysts

    by LoudSilences on August 17, 2015

    Yesterday we went to the sea. Not really to the sea, more the beach, because the tide was too far out. All I wanted was to walk next to the ocean, but it wasn't possible. I thought maybe it meant something, but maybe not.

    The diet has been going OK:

    Breakfast- cereal bar

    Lunch- small salad with a quorn burger or quorn nuggets

    Tea- small packet of dried fruit

    I haven't lost any significant amount of weight. I don't have a scale or anything, but I can tell by looking in the mirror that I'm just as fat and ugly as before. But at least I haven't put any weight on. I'm thinking about cutting don on food even more when I go back to school, but I don't know yet.

     

    I just feel so sad and empty all of the time. I don't feel like a main charater in my own life, or even a supporting one. I feel like no one knows I exist.



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  • over thinking

    by Been Seen on August 16, 2015

    and i feel like 

    you

    you know this deepened

    sense of nothing

     

    I feel like I need to stop saying I

    eye.. 

     

    I feel like you know those broken shards in me 

    eye feel like this is depressing me

    me

     

    should probably see somebody

    cool stop now.



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  • eventually

    by Been Seen on August 16, 2015

    So what we did was ok?

    Yea, in my opinion it was

     

    It was a wasted moment of feeling

    we shared

    it was just a moment 

    shared again and again

    but that's what makes it ok

    it was a moment

     

    Love is a lifetime

    love is something that is present constantly

    it's the decision to create memories

    things you want to keep

     

    Dusty letters and stones

    random prints on your spine

    fingers and hips and places

    it's an individual 

     

    Their bones

    their skin which you want to climb into

    their hair where you sleep



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  • There's always a siren singing you to shipwreck

    by LoudSilences on August 13, 2015

    I wish that my morning didn't start with two little green pills. I've been taking them for a while, but it doesn't ever feel right. My parents dole them out to me, because they don't trust me.

    I keep having horrible dreams about having to go back to Primary School, despite the fact that after the summer holiday I'm only going to have one year left in Secondary School before I have to go to college. The dreams always end with me crying, and wailing about how I don't want to do it again, and that I've already finished Primary School. I don't know why I'm getting them.

    I've also come to the realization that almost everything I do is to escape reality. Watching Netflix, reading, daydreaming. I can't blame myself though.

    The thoughts are getting worse, and I feel more alone than ever. I wish I was dead.



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  • It

    by trigram8910 on August 12, 2015

    He swirls the rising smoke

    From his burning lies

    Never letting It fly far enough

    To the blinking skies

    It drops down defeated

    Hiding It's cheeks from his blow

    Standing up, It's legs wobble unsteadily

    Like a newly born doe

    All It wants is to be free

    From It's home of chackles

    To finally reach the stars

    But It only finds his cackles

    His hand swirls and swirls

    Until he's sure there's nothing

    He takes another drag

    Like the wolf; huffing and puffing

     



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  • everything

    by Been Seen on August 12, 2015

    i died in this

    I’m dying

    I’m dying to fade

    i don’t know

    seus 

    these animals on my lap make it extremely hard to write

     

    why is it that I can’t get over these normalities 

    this trivial

    trivial

    its all so wasteful

    these emotions

    feelings

    blocked 

    solid lining my thoughts

    white paint scraping my elbows

     

    stretching chest cavities

    hollow and awake



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  • As summer dies

    by artemisagrotera on August 09, 2015

     

    So I don't know if you've noticed, but I've been trying to be good, trying to be mindful, trying not to bother you, trying not to be a messy complication in your life

     

    Trying also, unnaturally, to force my attraction to you to be more mental and less physical because for some reason that seems less transgressive to me

     

    But watching you dripping with sweat along with the rest of us in that strange fishbowl-aquarium-terrarium and observing the way you hold your guitar and how your body moves when you sing,

    I was reminded of what I had put away

     

    And I wanted to wrap my arms around you and feel your heat

     

    Even though I was already staggering under the oppressive weight of stillness and the tension in the air

    (some pleasant, some unpleasant)

    and the unbearable closeness of the room

     

    And I wanted you to be too much to handle, to take me down with the lightest of touches, to fall with you into the grass

     

     

    Or at least talk to me

     

     

    I suppose there is always time

     

    But last night felt like nothing else mattered

     

    So it was probably for the best that you kept yourself busy



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  • What was she for Halloween? The ugliest girl you've ever seen

    by LoudSilences on August 08, 2015

    I feel like such a pathetic loser. Today one of my sisters went out with her boyfriend, and the other went for a sleepover with her friends. I have no friends, and no boyfriend or girlfriend either. I just wish I did, but its hard to meet people, and even if I could my social anxiety is so bad everyone would just think I was a freak. Ever since he called me that I've always had it at the back of my mind. I am a FREAK.

     

    I'm beginning to hate myself even more as well. I tried going on a diet today, but ended up blowing that. I've been trying for weeks, but I'm too stupid and weak-willed.

    The reason for the diet is I'm fat and ugly. And I'm not just one of those people saying it for compliments, or one of those pretty teen girls who say it because they think thats what expected of them. With me its true. I know going on a diet won't fix ugly, but it should hopefully help fix fat, which should make the ugly more tolerable.

    Anyway, I'm gonna go now. I hope whoever you are, if you've even read this far, that your life is going better than mine. I just want you to know I exist out there, I think.



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  • I've felt this bad for so long I'm scared I'm fine

    by LoudSilences on August 07, 2015

    I can't remember what it felt like to feel 'normal'.

    I can't remember what it felt like to wake up and not wish I hadn't.

    I can't remember what it felt like to not want to die.

    I can't remember what my body looked like without the scars.

     

    I read her poems and they made sense to me. Especially the one titled 'Elm'. My favourite part is when she says: 'I am terrified by this dark thing that sleeps in me; all day I feel its soft, feathery turnings, its malignity'. It felt like what I wanted to say, but couldn't. I read her book and it felt true. Sylvia Plath has always been my favourite poet, and the 'Bell Jar' has always been one of my favourite books.

    I can't help but feel the weight pressing in, and I wish I could sleep easier, because sleeping is my favourite thing right now.



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  • Why I Go To Mass

    by luckybamboo on August 07, 2015

    I'm not sure why one day with you felt more real than 3 years with someone else 

    I told you I don't believe in soul mates 

    So you kissed me and when I asked why you said

    "For the same reason I pray for judas" 

     

     

    I believe now. 



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